From Cindy Rushton's Desk(TOP!)!

20 Great Reasons You Homeschool Written and ILlustrated by Jim Erskine

Resimay for Secritary Job!

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can
Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole
really seam to respond to me well.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru
my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to
pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I can start imeditely.

Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. . hopifuly Yore best aplicant so
farr.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken
at my last jobb.

================================================

Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

A Funny...Knock Knock.

Just Too Funny NOT to Pass On...

Welcome to Ray Flatts Weekly BubbaGram.
 
Well I'm sad to report Aunt Betty Lou and Uncle Clyde got a divorce several months ago. Got a chance to visit with her recently and she told me this sad story. You all probably don't remember them since they ran off to live in the big city after they got married right out of high school.
 
I understand she took it pretty good after 40 years of marriage even though Uncle Clyde found him a new younger gal and he ended up with the house.
 
Aunt Betty Lou spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.  On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. 
 
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of he curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
 
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything: cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
 
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
 
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
 
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
 
Aunt Betty Lou called Uncle Clyde and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Uncle Clyde thinking his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
 
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.
 
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU!!!
 
Moral: I guess Uncle Clyde found out, that if you don't get rid of the
stinkin baggage, it stays with you wherever you go.
 
-----
Well throughout all this misery I did get an opportunity to visit with my
niece Betty Lou II (Too)...that's Aunt Betty's daughter. She has been going to college to be an animal Vet. She passed on to me some interesting animal facts.
 
BUZZARD: If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is
entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be
an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight
from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life
in a  small jail with no top.
 
BAT: The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkably nimble
creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on
the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no
doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can
throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.
 
BUMBLEBEE: A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.
 
Well I thought those were quiet interesting facts. Thus, I added to her
education with the following observation.
 
PEOPLE: In many ways, we are like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. We struggle about with all our problems and frustrations, never realizing that all we have to do is look up.
 
------
That's all for this week. Be sure to pass this BubbaGram on to friends ,
enemy and family. They to can join the list a www.rayflatt.com.

The Bear, The Lion, and The Chicken...

Couldn't Resist This One... :)

Things about my home state--Alabama (FUNNY!)

YOU'RE DEFINITELY LIVING IN 2006 when...

Hummm...Makes you think...

FROM THE MYSTERIOUS
MIND OF STEPHEN WRIGHT

* I planted some bird seed. 

  A bird came up. 

  Now I don't know what to feed it.

* I had amnesia once - 

 - maybe twice.

* I went to San Francisco. 

  I found someone else's heart.

* Photons have mass? 

  I didn't even know they were Catholic.

* All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

* I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

* If the world was a logical place,  

 Men would ride horses sidesaddle.

* What is a "free" gift? 

  Aren't all gifts free?

* They told me I was gullible ..

 .. And I believed them.

* Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,  

 When he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

* Two can live as cheaply as one,  

 For half as long.

* Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

* What if there were no hypothetical questions?

* One nice thing about egotists ..

 .. They don't talk about other people. 

* When the only tool you own is a hammer,  

 Every problem begins to look like a nail.

* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

* What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

* My weight is perfect for my height ..

 .. Which varies.

* I used to be indecisive. 

  Now I'm not sure.

* The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

* How can there be self-help "groups"

* Is there another word for synonym?

* The speed of time is one second per second.

* Is it possible to be totally partial? 

* What's another word for thesaurus?
 

 * Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
 

 * Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,  

 And I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
 

 * It's not an optical illusion. 

  It just looks like one.
 

 * Is it my imagination,  

 Or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
 

 * If a number 2 pencil is the most popular,  

 Why is it still number 2?

A Funny Just for You...Jesus Is Watching You

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the darkness saying,

       "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

       "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed,
then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed..

"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler "Jesus."

 

Retiree's Q&A...

Retiree's Q&A... Anonymous...     Question:  When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer:     Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Question:   How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer:     Only one, but it might take all day. Question:  What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer:     There is not enough time to get everything done. Question:  Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer:     The term comes with a 10% percent discount. Question:  Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer:     Tied shoes Question:  Why do retirees count pennies? Answers:   They are the only ones who have the time. Question:  What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer:    NUTS! Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer:    They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question:  What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer:     Normal. Question:  What is the best way to describe retirement? Answers:   The never ending Coffee Break. Question:  What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer:  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Funnies About Children in Church...

 Children in Church...

 
Three-Year-old Reese: “Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is his name, Amen.”
 
A little boy was overheard praying, “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy...don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”
 
Jason sobbed in the back seat all the way home from church. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, he replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys!”
 
I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer. “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed. “but deliver us some email. Amen.”
 
One four-year-old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
 
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together. Joel giggled, sang, and talked. Finally, big sister had had enough. “You’re NOT supposed to talk in church.” “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers!”
 
 

HOW TO TREAT A WIFE (FUNNY!)

HOW TO TREAT A WIFE

A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he decides to go to a psychiatrist. The doctor gives him an "assertive training" booklet. He read it on the way home.

When he walked through the door, his wife came to greet him. He slammed the door shut behind him and the windows rattled to announce his arrival. His wife stood before him, her eyes wide with surprise. "Listen up," he told her "from now on, I'm the man of this home and my word is law. When I come home from work I want a hot dinner on the table and a cold drink in my hand! Now, get upstairs and lay out some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the guys tonight. Then, draw my bath. And when I get out of the tub, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The undertaker" she replies.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:

FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.

FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT...

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
The Capt. is like the school board.
Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail.

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