|
I'm a stereotypical writer. I subscribe to magazines in order to review their articles, then cancel my subscriptions after receiving "One free issue - yours to keep!" I know exactly when I have to really buckle down and work (rarely), and how much procrastination is profitable (LOTS!). I've been known to take on disguises so I can fit into my environment and get a better story (just don't ask about the time I tried to masquerade as a jockey - it doesn't work when you're 5'9). And who cares if I don't get my creative inspirations in the shower? I get them in the car - which is better, since I spend more time driving than I spend keeping clean.
But there's one aspect of the author's life that I'll never enjoy. I HATE WRITING QUERY LETTERS! Ugh! Just typing that sentence makes me shiver like a person with arachnophobia! (For my readers who are a little slow on the uptake, this would be a great metaphor if I didn't have to worry about you... and arachnophobia is a fear of spiders). Query writing is despicable! Why? Because trying to sell any form of writing is a tedious chore. If the editor doesn't want it, no amount of cajoling on my part will help. If the editor does want it, it's probably only because I'm writing about a subject they were planning to cover anyway.
Each query letter I write has to convince the editor that I'm the best thing since sliced bread. (Yes, I am... aren't I? Of course I am! Sure!) An eye-catching opening - one that knocks their socks off - isn't good enough. If I'm writing an article about war, they expect me to be as good as Ernie Pyle. Trying to sell an article on the Mississippi, and they want me to sound like Mark Twain. Short Christian fiction should be better than Jerry Jenkins' or Francine Rivers', historical articles have to reflect Tom Brokaw's style, and unless you're already a famous author, they don't know you from Adam and will probably treat you that way.
Now that I've used blogging to effectively procrastinate, I think I'll go write the query letter I've been putting off. Let's see... "Dear Mr. Snodgrass, did you know it's illegal to pawn a wooden leg in Delaware? And in Texas it's against the law to tuck your jeans into your cowboy boots unless you own at least two cows. You might even be able to find a law prohibiting the reading of this query letter, if you looked hard enough. That's because crazy laws (most unknown even to city officials) have been enacted in hundreds of cities and states over the years. My article will tell your readers why they shouldn't make faces at dogs in an Illinois town, why they shouldn't eat snakes on Sunday in Kansas, and why they shouldn't drive more than 2,000 sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. I look forward to your response."
Hmmm... writing query letters definitely stretches a writer's creative abilities... but maybe I should try another approach. Actually, maybe I should just write a different article!
| 