May. 28, 2005 - Modern Old Time Radio

(Applause)

Claire: Thank you Mister Toastmaster, Ladies and Gentlemen, and honored guests. Tonight we bring you the adventures of Allen Chapman, champion of justice!

Eric: The trails of the West are countless. Some unroll across the brown prairies where all who travel them may be clearly seen. Others wind through valleys and are bordered by fertile farm and pasturelands. Still other trails climb torturously up and down rugged mountains, through virgin forests, over roaring, snow-fed streams. But along all trails, even the back ones, rides the Law.

    The trails of the West cross and re-cross one another. And the men who follow them meet again and again, often unexpectedly, often with surprising consequences. For the trails are the paths of men’s lives, and no man can foresee where his chosen trail will lead or whose trail will cut across it.

Announcer: It was a hot July morning. Clint Pierce scowled angrily at the broiling sun, wiping his dusty brow with a soiled bandanna. The sound of galloping hooves (hoofbeats) brought his eagle-eyed glare back to the iron rails below, and he watched in silence as a lone horseman cantered along next to the tracks, his mount’s hooves beating up a cloud of dust. The cloud receded into the distance, (hoofbeats fade) and the mountain was silent once more. Turning in the saddle, Pierce surveyed the rocky hillside behind him, then glanced back toward the deserted train tracks below. With a jerk of his wrist, he flipped his gun out of its holster and fired a (gunshot) single shot, then spun his horse around and rode down the steep slope. (Sliding rocks).

    From the hills above came answering pistol (pistol shots all at once) shots – two of them – and from the rocks and caverns came two masked riders, their horses slipping and sliding in loose footing.

    Pierce remained mounted on his nervous horse, reining it in with a great show of talent as he shouted commands. 

Clint: Barnes! Get those cattle onto the tracks! Jake, you ride on up the trail and make sure we’re left alone. Stop anyone who’s coming in this direction – you know how.

(Scary Music)

Announcer: (train noise) Engine number nine, due into San Antonio at one o’ clock and running on time as usual, sped into the valley. The passengers were enjoying a tasty lunch in the diner car, admiring the scenery and passing the time with light conversation. (Train Noise end) Suddenly, the train braked. ( people gasp, sound of braking glass). Passengers gasped as they were thrown from their seats, the dishes sliding across the tables. At the door of the rocking dining car, a masked gunman appeared. Brandishing his pistol, he marched down the length of the car, snarling,

Outlaw 1: Everybody out. Come on, come on! Just hand over that gun right now, mister – hey! (Gunshot, screams).

Female Passenger: My Father!

Outlaw 1: Take it easy, lady, he wasn’t long fer this world anyhow. That’s right, folks, just move along real easy now. No use tryin’ to pull any weapons on me.

Announcer: As the passengers stepped out of their car, they were forced to join a larger group made up of the travelers from the other cars. In the dust on the side of the tracks lay a trainman, obviously the driver of the engine. A big, burly man was talking with the conductor.

Clint: Too bad yer driver was feelin’ a little contrary this mornin’, buddy.

Conductor: George! He’s… he’s dead! Whhh… whhhat’re you goin’ to do with us?

Clint: Nothin’ much, pardner. We’re God-fearin’ outlaws, an’ if everybody cooperates then your partner will be the only casualty. Now, unless you wanna join ol’ George there, you an’ me are gonna take a little walk down to that baggage car so you can open the San Antonio Bank’s money box fer me. Jake! Barnes! Get them saddle-bags over here.

Jake: Here ya go, boss!

Clint: Throw ‘em on the ground, there, Jake.

Jake: Ooooof!

Clint: Not like that, you dumb cowpoke! Spread ‘em out nice an’ even like.

Jake: Aw, they sure is heavy, boss!

Clint: Not as heavy as they will be when they’re all filled up, eigh’ Barnes?

(Laughter from the outlaws)

Clint: Now, this here is real simple-like, folks. Yer gonna form a nice straight line in front a these saddlebags. Then, yer gonna step up an’ drop yer valuables right on inter that’ sack. Then Jake’ll check yer pockets fer ya, makin’ sure ya don’t forget anythin’, naturally. (Money) That’s right, move right along, folks!

Announcer: When their pockets had all been emptied and the money was taken from the safe, two of the outlaws moved to pick up the hefty saddlebags, and began to fasten them on their horses’ backs. The outlaws, their guns trained on the stunned passengers, mounted up. Their leader grasped his horse’s reins and turned to address the crowd.

Clint: Now, folks, you’ve been mighty obligin’ about all this, and I shore wouldn’t want to see any of yer perty little lady friends hurt. So, if I was you, I’d just keep on goin’ the way ya was headed an’ ferget all about this little incident.

Female Passenger: But how are we goin’ to get back to the station without a driver?

Clint: I’d suggest that ya start walkin, ma’am. Ifin y’all get started now, you’ll reach San Antonio by nightfall. I wouldn’t recommend waitin’ around none, either. These Texas nights can be purity cold – an’ tell the sheriff in San Antone that more of this’ll be happening’ so he and that no-good deputy of his might as well get outta town.

Male Passenger: Who should we say the message is from?

Announcer: The man swung into the saddle and whirled his prancing horse to face the speaker. (horse neighs)

Clint: Jest tell ‘em that Clint Pierce sends his regards. Nice ter meetcha, folks. I’m shore you’ll hear of me again.

Announcer: The outlaw tipped his hat and laid spurs to his horse. (Yells, galloping horses). Soon the entire band was only a faint cloud on the horizon.

(Scary Music)

Announcer: A few days later, at the Sheriff’s office in San Antonio…

Sheriff: I sure appreciate your coming into town today, Allen.

Allen: I came as soon as I heard, Sheriff. The safety of the people in this town is my responsibility.

Sheriff: But you’re not even an elected official, Allen. You don’t have to risk your life if you don’t want to.

Allen: I may not be elected, sheriff, but my father was the founder of this town, and I sure feel obligated to keep the land clear of

pesky varmints. Clint Pierce is one of them.

Sheriff: (Sigh) He’s done more damage this year than all of nature’s varmints combined. Look at this map here.

(Rustling Paper)

Sheriff: All of these markers stand for a place that Clint has raided in the past five months.

Allen: Uh-hu. Tex Austin’s farm, the Liverpool shipping office, Barner and Warren’s mercantile, and now the San Antonio train line.

Sheriff: And it’s getting worse! When he hit Austin’s farm, we thought it might have been because of a personal grudge. But then they burned the shipping office – and the mercantile was plumb cleaned out of merchandise for two weeks. Now this – and two men killed! I tell you, Allen, if it doesn’t stop soon, we’ll all be dead or wounded!

Allen: I’ll see what I can do, sheriff.

Sheriff: I appreciate that, Allen. You have our full support and resources, of course.

Allen: Well, I reckon I can deal with Pierce on my own.

Sheriff: Mind telling me what you’re going to do?

Allen:  I wish I could, sheriff. But I honestly don’t… (excitedly) wait, let me see that map!

(Rustling paper)

Sheriff: Here it is, why?

Allen: You say the first raid occurred here, at Austin’s farm?

Sheriff: That’s right

Allen: And from there the outlaws went to the shipping office, Barner and Warren’s… and finally the train line…

Sheriff: Sure, but what’s that got to do with stoppin’ Clint Pierce?

(scraping chair)

Allen: I wish I had time to tell you, Sheriff, but I have a lot of work to do tonight. If my hunch pays off, we’ll have Clint Pierce behind bars in twenty-four hours.

(Exciting music)

Announcer: Later that evening, we find Allen and his partner Henry camped outside the town of Falls City.

(coyote howls)

Henry: Sure is quiet out here tonight

Allen: Sure is

Henry: I still don’t understand why we’re hidin’ out here, Allen. Falls City ain’t an important town!

Allen: I explained it to you once before, Henry

Henry: Explain it to me again.

Allen: Here, look at this map (rustling paper). I’ve marked all of the places where Pierce and his gang struck in the past few days. Notice anything strange?

Henry: No… wait a minute! The locations form a direct line!

Allen: Exactly! And the line leads…

Henry: To Falls City? What in tarnation would Pierce want in this town? There’s only a saloon and a livery stable! They don’t even have a bank!

Allen: Yes, but they do have the Falls City Mining Office. And I happen to know that the payroll was delivered yesterday.  

Henry: That never entered my mind, Allen! How did you think of it?

Allen: When you’ve been around as long as I have, you learn to think… like an outlaw.

(coyote howls)

Henry: Was that a real coyote?

Allen: Sounded kinda puny to me

Henry: It could be a signal

Allen: Could be

Henry: You think we’re gonna catch ‘em, Allen?

Allen: I don’t know, but we’re sure gonna try.

Announcer: Meanwhile, in a gully just outside of town

(Horse neighs)

Clint: Jake! Shut that horse up! Barnes, check those saddle bags one more time. We don’t want ‘em fallin’ off with the payroll inside.

Once we got that money we’re headin’ South to Laredo. They’ll never find us there.

Barnes: The saddle bags are fine, boss.

(gunshot)

Jake: Uh, I shut up the horse.

Clint: What'd you do that for? Now you'll have to ride behind Barnes! Come on, you idiots! Mount up! Next stop is the Falls City Mining Office! An’ keep your mouths shut.

Jake: Okay, Boss

Clint: I said, be quiet! This is a robbery and we don’t want anybody hearin’ us. Now, come on!

(hoofbeats)

Henry: Hey, listen, Allen!

Allen: Here come our bandits

Henry: What are we gonna do?

Allen: Let’s sneak around the side of the office. Come on!

(Jingling spurs, clomping on boardwalk)

Allen: Shhh! They might hear us! Now, hunker down around the corner. Here they come!

(Horses clopping, jingling spurs)

Clint: (Whispered) Woah. Okay, Jake! Barns! Let’s go!

Jake: How are we gonna get the door open, boss?

Clint: Maybe I’ll use yer head to bust it open, Jake!

Jake: Awww, boss!

Clint: Stand back while I blast it the lock open with my gun. Then we’ll have to work fast, or we’ll have people swarmin’ all over.

(Gunshot)

Clint: Okay, come on!

Announcer: As Clint and his boys rushed into the mining office, Allen and Henry snuck up onto the boardwalk. They listened as the outlaws found the safe and broke it open.

Clint: Ah, here’s the money! Jake, get those saddlebags over here! Come on, boys, load her up!

Barns: A welcome donation from the citizens of Falls City, huh boss?

Clint: You got that right! Okay, let’s get out of here.

(Bootsteps, jingling spurs, get louder as they near the door)

Allen: Hold it just a second, Mister Pierce!

Barns: Look out, Boss!

Henry: I wouldn’t reach for your guns, Mister Barns. We got you covered.

Allen: We sure do. Now, just set those saddlebags down on the ground and unbuckle your guns, real easy-like. That’s it. Clint, step out here on the boardwalk.

Clint: What for?

Allen: This is what for!

(loud punch, grunt, thud)

Allen: I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time. Okay, Henry, let’s bring ‘em on in. This won’t be the first time that justice won out over evil.

(Happy Music)

Announcer: This is your announcer. “Allen Chapman, Champion of Justice” is brought to you by “Yodeling Fools Incorporated.” Wherever you go, you know there’ll be a fool to yodel for you.

Eric: And by Krispy Wheats, the Cereal that’s shot from guns!

Claire: Tonight’s star Allen Chapman, Champion of Justice, was played by Eric Novak.

Eric: His sidekick Henry was played by Claire Novak.

Claire: Clint Pierce was played by Eric Novak

Eric: The Sheriff was played by Claire Novak

Claire: The screaming lady was played by Eric Novak

Eric: Clint’s sidekicks, Jake and Barns, were played by Claire Novak

Claire: As always, we wish to thank our sound effects man, Eric Novak

Music was composed by John Phillip Sousa and performed by Dr. William D. Revelli and the University of Michigan Band. Tune in next time to hear Allen Chapman, Champion of Justice in episode one thousand six hundred and fifty-two in our series, “Tales of the Old West.” From all the folks here at Yodeling Fools Incorporated and Krispy Wheats Cereal, this is your announcer wishing you goodnight and pleasant dreams!

May. 28, 2005 - Now if you guys would only...