I am in a season of re-education.  God is showing me how He wants me at His feet listening and learning and not finding my security in the world's system for education.  It is not an easy road but yet it is one that has been in the back of my head for several years.

I have been re-reading some books by Marilyn Howshall and this time I was really ready to hear.  The biggest thing I gleaned through her writings as well as my time with the Lord is that I must learn to listen and follow Him whether anyone else agrees or not.  He does not ask me to do what I shouldn't or what would be detrimental for my kids.  In fact, He actually knows what is Best.

It sounds so silly but it is so profound if I can embrace it.  I asked Him to show me my schedule for the year and He refused.  I asked and begged for it but He shared with me that it would become my god.  That I would be frustrated and stressed if I didn't reach that schedule and I would feel failure. I would miss the point of listening and trusting Him daily and in turn teaching my kids to do the same.

Wow.  This is such a trusting process.  Now He has allowed me to get some ideas for routines but being sure that I understand the routine may change anytime He deems it and some interuptions will be His leading.

Dying to self is not easy, but necessary and in the end....freedom.

To my Hubby of 16 years:

You are the one who loved me from the beginning
You can make me smile by just giving me a look
One of the things I love about our relationship is
Our enjoyment of each other, great trust and lots of laughter
You make me laugh so hard my side hurts, I cry or have to make a run. :)
You have always encouraged me to be who I want to be
You do not hold me back from exploring things I love
You have always let me soar
You cherish friends I cherish
You encourage my time with them
and have always allowed my closeness with family to continue
You see my many faults and continue to love me through them all
You are not jealous or mean spirited
But rather a wonderful gentle strength
You have always been a leader to me and to our family
Whether we agreed or not you helped us move forward
I have always admired your ability to go where you felt led
Regardless of the results or what anyone said
You want to be where the Lord would lead
When we argue we both want to resolve
You I am angry you know how to soften with with a smile
You've done acts of service from the beginning
At first it was not so appreciated by me
but as the years progress Your gifts of love I see
When we shared our first birth I saw you look at me with such love
Your eyes watered as we rejoiced in our first child
and in the labor you were by precious rock
you told me what a good job I'd done
Then when blessed with our second child
You told me at first sight how beautiful she was
You have been a hands on Dad from the beginning
We work as a team and God has given us so many dreams
I have enjoyed our walk together
Through the highs and through the lows
We are comitted to each other and we both know
I knew from our first date that you were a galiant knight
And God has blessed me with the one that was right
We have so much to look forward to in years to come
And I look forward to sharing it with my chosen one.
I love you so much and am happy to say "Happy 16th Anniversary!"

you feel it creeping up inside

it is the wrong time

totally inappropriate

can't help it, feel the tickle

lips curling, gonna loose it

yep, I've done it.  My son knows I have this tendency and just the other day he tripped and almost fell.  Watching his long legs and arm flailing through the air did it for me.  He quickly turned and looked right at me.  He had seen the squint in my eyes, the creasing in my lips and he knew... 

Then it came that big loud laughter.  I apologized as I did it.  I'm...so....sorry....know..it's.. not funny.

 It was contagious, he couldn't keep frowning at me as I belly laughed his misfortune.  Pretty soon we were both bellowing and I was so glad he was understanding of my inappropriate laughter.

Other times it has not been so easy.  You know you shouldn't but can't contain it.

My friends and I were at the hotel and needed help connecting a dvd.  The guy that came kept talking to himself.  I finally started to quickly shake.  My friends saw me and were trying not to get tickled and mouthed at me to stop. 

I tried, I really did.  They wouldn't look at me but could feel me shaking with laughter and again it was contagious.  Bad bad

My husband, who was a full time vocational minister for many years also knew my short coming.  One time in service, I was at the back and he was sitting at the Lord's supper table.  I couldn't see him very well and another man was talking.   My husband slowly etched his head over to the side to see me. 

All I could see was his little pin head moving to see me through all the little other heads.  It totally cracked me up.  A time when I should have been fully reflecting and meditating and I almost snorted. 

I shut my eyes so quickly as to think that if I could sqeeze them tight enough, my lips would continue to stay sealed.

Can you relate?  Let me know I am not the only inappropriate laugher.

Can anything be done?! :)

Oh man, the other week by Mom invited my kids to come to activities at their church.  They included VBS and a music camp after VBS with the church feeding my kids in between. Then, my Mom wanted to pick them up and have a little time and let my hubby pick them up and bring them home when he got off work.  

Okay, soo, in case you didn't understand, I would have the WHOLE DAY by myself!!!  THANK YOU mom and dad!!  I rushed to get kids ready coming from weeks of going, going, going and going more, so it was no suprise that when I dropped them off and took off I was at a loss to know what I was even going to do?  Can I just say....Ahhhhhhh. 

Don't get me wrong, I ADORE my kids and love being with them but it was time for a moment and boy did I get one!!  It was heaven. 

I just drove in silence at first and was able to think any thought I wanted without interuption.

Went to a bookstore and browsed slowly in the sections I enjoyed.

I checked out a shopping area that had been built new last year and I had not really got to go look at it....sooo nice. 

So, shopping it was...so excited.  No one waiting on me and no feeling of rush...hard to believe.

Even considered going to a movie...Alone,later decided I didn't want to waist that much time.

Talked with friends.

Sketched

It was so funny just trying to think about what I would even want to do since it is usually taking all family members in consideration when deciding activities.  It is funny how just a little time like that can be so refreshing.  Of course, at the end of the day I had purchased things for my family and coudn't wait to see them again to snuggle and hear what they had done.  But Thank you God for a little time off!

So....what would you do with a little time off?

My son was at an activity the other day and there were other boys.  Some had been picking on the kids and specifically one boy.  My son told me that he finally said "Why are you picking on everyone?"  I asked what the boy did and he said he just looked at my me and then stopped picking on that boy.  I was SOOO proud of my son for taking a stand.  He is calm quiet nature type but I love seeing the leader pop out like that.  I asked if he was scared when he took the stand and he said he didn't know what the boy would do and thought he would pick on him next but...he didn't.  Funny how addressing the issue can sometimes cause one to think and re-direct.  He said one of the boys has totally changed and been very kind and playful with everyone from then on out.  What a teachable moment about standing up even if it means all by yourself. Even just one can impact many when God directs.

I was tucking my dd in bed tonight and she asked me "Mom, are you stressed right now?"  I asked why she was wondering and she said "Well, you have that far look and seem ummm"  ... Tense? I asked.  "yes."  I had to admit she was right and a lot was on my mind but it took only that question for me to stop and really focus on her and let God reveal to me that I had to choose to not be stressed to realize He is in control of all.