I thought we'd have some fun with Friday Funnies this week! Do you know which U.S. President this humorous quote from H.L. Mencken is speaking of? Do you know which president was considered rather a Foot in Mouth Man? Here's the quote:
"He writes the worst English that I have ever encountered. It reminds me of a string of wet sponges; it reminds me of tattered washing on the line; it reminds me of stale bean soup, of college yells, of dogs barking idiotically through endless nights. It is so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it. It drags itself out of the dark abysm of pish, and crawls insanely up the topmost pinnacle of posh. It is rumble and bumble. It is flap and doodle. It is balder and dash." -Critic H.L. Mencken
In doing research for our history program, my son and I came across a section of Wikipedia that had to do with this president's speaking style. As a communication teacher, it sparked my interest and I found the above quote funny. Can you guess which president Mr. Mencken was speaking of?
Let me give you a hint or two. Although he was considered a powerful speaker, he insisted upon writing his own speeches and was apparently notorious for his verbal gaffes. His most famous mistake was his use of the word "normalcy" which wasn't a word at that time. The word he should have used was normality. First thought to be a mispronunciation, he decided he liked the sound of the new word and made "Return to Normalcy" a recurring theme of his campaign.
Can you guess yet? Need some more hints?
Some have suggested that this president actually had a form of aphasia. Upon his death, poet E. E. Cummings said "The only man, woman or child who wrote a simple declarative sentence with seven grammatical errors is dead."
He died of an apparent heart attack while still in his first term on a trip to the U.S. Territory of Alaska.
He was elected just after World War 1 and many scholars consider him our worst president.
Ok can you guess who this FIMMlike U.S. President was?
Sometimes folks are so busy trying to write a good headline, they forget it has to also make sense! I don't know if these are really true, but they are funny and they illustrate the need for more effective communication so....here they are with my commentary:
Statistics Show that Teen Pregnancy Drops off Significantly after Age 25!
(Pronounced "Twenty Five Teen")
Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop: Find Weapons
(Disappointed to find no Teddy Bears?)
Utah Poison Control Center Reminds Everyone Not to Take Poison
(Whew! Just in the nick of time!)
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
(OK this one's just the government using it collective noggin!)
Last week I shared Victor Borge's Inflationary Language video. This week I am showing his other language skit, Phonetic Punctuation. It's too bad the great comic communicators from this innocent generation are no longer with us. They were most creative. Enjoy!
Learning Speech Communication skills can ALSO be fun with Art of Eloquence! AND...
Inflationary Language by Victor Borge
This is an adorably creative use of language for humor!
Here are the words:
Many years ago in Denmark we had inflation, and you are familiar with that problem. In inflation, we have numbers rising. Prices go up. Anything that has to do with money goes up...except the language. See, we have hidden numbers in the words like "wonderful," "before," "create," "tenderly." All these numbers can be inflated and meet the economy, you know, by rising to the occcassion.
I suggest we add one to each of these numbers to be prepared. For example "wonderful" would be "two-derful." Before would be Be-five. Create, cre-nine. Tenderly should be eleven-derly. A Leiutenant would be a Leiut-eleven-ant. A sentance like, "I ate a tenderloin with my fork" would be "I nine an elevenderloin with my five-k." And so on and so fifth. I have a book here that I have brought, I have a story here that I would like to read to you so that you can get an idea of Inflationary Language, how it sounds when it's being used:
Twice upon a time, there lived in Sunny Califivenia a young man named Bob. He was a third leiutelevenant in the US Air Fiveces. Bob had been fond of Anna, his one-and-a-half sister, ever since she saw the light of day for the second time. And all three of them were proud of the fact that two of his fivefathers had been among the crenineders of the US Constithreetion.
They were dining on the terrace. "Anna," he said as he took a bite of a marininded herring, "You look twoderful threenight. You never looked that lovely befive." Anna looked twoderful, despite of the illness from which she had not yet recupininded. "Yes," repeated Bob, "You look twoderful threenight...but you have three of the saddest eyes I have ever seen."
The table was tastefully deconinded with Anna's favorite flowers: Threelips. They were now talking about Anna's asseten husband, from whom she was sepeninded. While on the radio, an Irish elevenor sang "Tea For Three." it was midnight; A clock in the distance struck thirteen. And suddenly, there in the moonlight stood her husband Don Two, obviously intoxicnineded.
"Anna," he said, "Fivegive me. I am only young twice and you are my two and only." Bob jumped to his feet, "Get out of here, you three-faced triplecrosser!" But Anna warned, "Watch out, Bob. He is an officer." "Yes, he is two. But I am two three!"
Anytwo five elevennis?
"All right," said Don Two as he wiped his fivehead. He then left and when he was one-and-a-halfway through the revolving door, he muttered, "I'll go back to Elevennessee and be double again. Farewell, Anna. Three-de-loo, three-de-loo.
Learning Speech Communication skills can ALSO be fun with Art of Eloquence! AND...
"I've been dishonest. But, I've not done it deceitfully."
So says UK man,Brian Rawsthorne, in this news article, after completing a 10K road race in 2007 that he'd been training for while on disability since 1997 claiming he could only walk 20 yards. Mr. Rawsthorne even appeared in the paper boasting about how much weight he had lost training for the event and still claims he should be receiving his benefits:
"I understand what you're saying, but there's been no change at all. I cannot walk 20 yards without being in pain."
I don't think the folks at his hearing will agree with his definition of the term "no change".
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But honey, surely it's not that serious."
It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors...they didn't open. The library was closed!
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Plato, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Dumb and Dumber." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
I found this on Good Clean Fun but changed the title in my subject line because obviously this is NOT how you should cook a Thanksgiving turkey. As proof I submit to you these instructions:
GCF: How to Cook a Thanksgiving Turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
If you don't see this symbol...
It's not from JoJo's Purple Crayon!
Since we are just coming off the elections, I thought I'd post some election humor this week.
The following is believed to be a funny and true story shared by K.C. Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School.
In one of K.C.'s classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.
In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Due to the downturn in the economy, so many are out looking for a job after having been laid off. Competition is fierce. There are sometimes hundreds of people interviewing for the same job. The other day I announced a special we are having on a tool (Say What You Mean on a Job Interview) that will help give you an edge in today's job market.
I found another job interview tool while back that may help those of you who were unsuccessful in a prior interview. If it isn't helpful in securing the job in question, I pray it at least brings a little levity to an otherwise stressful situation.
Job Interview Tool
Dear Mr.[insert employers name]:
Thank you for your letter of [Date].After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters.With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite [Name of Company]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately.I look forward to seeing you then.
Sometimes my brain gets stuck in 2nd gear and this is the end result. Enjoy and please feel free to add your own!
If all the world’s a stage, who's manning the refreshment stands?
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and mascara runs all over your face!
The shortest distance between two points still takes over an hour in L.A. traffic!
Speak softly and nobody will ever hear you!
If at first you don’t succeed, you probably do need the directions.
A day without laughter is like…not as much fun!
A penny saved is …let's face it, not even worth picking up off the street!
Winning isn’t everything, but it’s the only reason they’ll accept for giving you the trophy!
He who hesitates is lost, but he who stops to ask for directions can make it to the meeting on time!
Behind every great man is his back.
Possession is 9/10ths of the law. Unfortunately the remaining tenth is what’ll land you in jail for stealing!
Silence is quiet.
The pessimist sees the glass as half empty. The optimist sees the glass as half full. A child sees the opportunity to get the floor wet and wipe it up with the cat!
You can fool all of the people some of the time, but you can’t walk up hill both ways.
Beauty is only skin deep which is why I appreciate that God covered all the rest of it up.
All that glitters is not gold, but it sure is shiny.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but it isn’t polite to admit your eye isn’t beholding.
If attitude is everything, why are there so many other things and how come it can’t make you a ham sandwich?
Dog is man’s best friend…unless he’s got a snarl on his face with your name on it!
Never put off til tomorrow what you’re not going to do anyway. It’s just wasted space on your “To Do List”!
I hope you all enjoyed my newest series, "21 Days to More Godly Communication". I just couldn't resist including this bonus on my Friday Funnies this week.
"A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day;" -Proverbs 27:15
I am a goofball by nature. I find it more fun to teach with humor. Occasionally I am told that humor has no place in Christianity or the Bible. I beg to differ. Pay attention to the Lord's sense of humor as He instructs wives.
Proverbs 19:13
A foolish son is his father's ruin, and a quarrelsomewife is like a constant dripping.
Proverbs 21:9
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsomewife.
Proverbs 21:19
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.
Proverbs 25:24
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsomewife.
Proverbs 27:15
A quarrelsomewife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day;
Side Bar:
One of my pet peeves is how "Hollywierd" insists on displaying family dynamics these days. Children are generally in charge and disrespectful. The all-knowing wife usually resorts to nagging her husband who is portrayed as clueless, overbearing and annoying. Sit Com wives are depicted as almost verbally abusive to their husbands. Now look back over the list of verses here. Did you catch just how many times the Lord mentions the quarrelsome wife in scripture?
Perhaps these Sit Com wives should take the log out of their own eye before they attempt to take the speck out of their husband's.
We interrupt your Friday Funnies to bring you this wisdom from the Lord as part of my series 21 Days to More Godly Communication.
"He who answers before listening
-that is his folly and his shame." -Proverbs 18:13
(Click Foot in Mouth Man's picture to view more feet in FIMM's Mouth!)
'nuf said!
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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication, but it is her humorous approach to communication skills which has made her a highly sought-after Christian speaker and writer. Her articles appear in homeschool publications, such as Homeschool Enrichment Magazine and The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, which also endorses her Say What You Mean curricula. You can also find JoJo on web sites such as Crosswalk.com and Dr.Laura.com. For more information on communication FUNdamentals and Christian-based communication studies for the whole family, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com
We can put a man on the moon.. we can communicate with people all over the world through the technology of the internet, but we can't iron wrinkles out of a shirt! The face of ironing hasn't changed much since it was invented and it's a chore, as Dr. Seuss put it, "I can't stand in the least"!
Let's investigate this phenomenon:
You start off with a mildly wrinkled, clean shirt your dh needs to wear tomorrow. First, major planning is required if you have little ones. If you don't think so, you've never had a hot iron nearly fall off the ironing board as your two year old son rounds the corner with his remote control car.
Next, you take out your ironing board and set it up in a place that's most inconvenient. There never seems to be an open plug anywhere where you can watch TV to take your mind off the seemingly endless job of wrinkle removal. As you unfold the ironing board, it emits this ear piercing screech that will surely wake up the baby -shattering any hopes you might have had about getting this all done during his nap. So... setting the iron up again as Jr's in the playpen (and biding time with toys and cute talk), you begin to pray!
Ironing is really a matter of communication. Ok, now the old gal has really gone off her nut, right? Actually it's really a matter of MIScommunication. Here's the scenario:
Now the real fun begins! The first communication failure is when you try to figure out how on earth you can lay this shirt down so that it's flat enough all the way around in order to attempt to iron it correctly. You begin to fiddle and, as you do, you naturally talk to the shirt to try to get it to cooperate. Unfortunately shirts know just how to sit there like dead weight making it difficult for you to position. You fiddle. You faddle and finally you decide it's not going to get any better.
While holding the shirt in place with one hand as best you can to keep it from wriggling out of position, you grab the HOT iron with the other hand and begin to talk the iron through the process.
"Ok now come on! Let's just get one section done before Johnny gets bored with the playpen. UGH! Too late!"
Coming back to the iron minutes or even hours later...
Now you really need to get this done. It's 10pm, the kids are in bed and hubby needs this shirt for tomorrow. You start to iron-carefully laying the shirt on the board and, after several agonizing minutes, the left front is done. Yaahooo! The back is going pretty well until you realize that there is a yellow stain that is suddenly visible!
"Now where did THAT come from! It wasn't there before!" you mutter to yourself.
Looking at the iron you notice that there is a little residue inside the steam holes.
"Great! Now I have to wash it again! Ok! It's only on the bottom, nobody will see it when he tucks his shirt in. Now, can we just get the rest of this done before I'm wrinkled?"
As you continue to iron the back of the shirt, the cord catches on the shirt tail lifting it up so quickly that, by the time you notice, you have just ironed a wrinkle INTO the shirt. Now this is no ordinary wrinkle. This is a permanent crease in the shirt! You iron madly- trying to get it out while pleading with your iron to do this one little thing for you!
It's no use and now you're frustrated enough so that you almost don't care what it looks like, you just want to STOP IRONING! You lay the sleeves on the board and crab at the iron:
"Just get this done before midnight, shall we?"
You hang the shirt up and wonder if you shoudn't have just left it alone in the first place.
Now, as I said, ironing has remained pretty much the same for over 100 years. Oh they've made some attempts at Ironing Technology, but it falls far short of being called an advancement!
When I was a little girl they came out with "Permanent Press". Now the word permanent means: 1. not temporary, 2. continuing and enduring without fundamental or marked change, 3. stable. So a Permanent Press Shirt should remain permanently pressed, right? WRONG! Now what it could mean is that when you unintentionally put a crease in the shirt with your iron, it's PERMANENT! I have had shirts that retained an ironing crease wash after wash! Thanks guys!!
Now being anti-ironing as I am, I have found a better way and I want to share it with you. This is JoJo's No Iron Ironing Technique and it will let you live a ironing stress free life where you will never have to communicate with your iron again. Here's what you do:
1. After washing the shirts, put them in the dryer and set your timer so you take them out of the dryer immediately, if not sooner!
2. Hang the shirts up directly after you remove them from the dryer and let them cool.
3. Don't hang them too close to each other. You don't want them fraternizing with each other causing any unnecessary wrinkling.
4. DON'T iron them. Ironing is futile!
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JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication, but it is her humorous approach to communication skills which has made her a highly sought-after Christian speaker and writer. Her articles appear in homeschool publications, such as Homeschool Enrichment Magazine and The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, which also endorses her Say What You Mean curricula. You can also find JoJo on web sites such as Crosswalk.com and Dr.Laura.com. For more information on communication FUNdamentals and Christian-based communication skills for the whole family, please visit http://www.ArtofEloquence.com
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From JoJo'sPurple Crayon...
Where's FIMM? Did you find himm this week? Where's FIMM? Come find the only Foot in Mouth Man picture that is different from all the rest. Email what he looks like and where you found himm to fimm@artofeloquence.com and you could win a free Art of Eloquence eProduct of your choice!
Some times it's the simple questions that trip you up. The people asking are sure it's a simple question, but for you, it's not so simple. So sometimes you have to ask why they are asking in order to answer them correctly. It seems an odd thing to them-asking for clarification of such a simple question, but...well...here's what I mean:
Where are you from? It's a simple question. Where are you from? Should have a simple answer. Where are you from? "I'm from Joisey. You from Joisey?" (OK I'm not from Jersey) Where AM I from? Well, that question can be a little complicated to answer if you're me.
I was born in Colorado, but I only lived there for two weeks so I really wouldn't say I was from Colorado. I spent most of my early childhood in New York. I even spent five years in one house (big stuff for my family back then), but I left New York back in the mid 70's so, aside from my New York accent which comes out when I'm mad, I wouldn't say I was from New York.
If you mean where do I live now, the answer is Arizona. If the question is where did I just move from, I'd have to say California.
Though I spent over 30 years in the HollyWeird State, I don't identify myself with California enough to call it "home". I'd be hard pressed to profess a "home town" in California since in that thirty years I have lived in a total of about nine towns.
Where are you from? Sometimes I'm from the United States. Sometimes I'm from Art of Eloquence. And occasionally I'm in the state of confusion. Just depends on who asking and why...
Where are YOU from?
From JoJo'sPurple Crayon...
Where's FIMM? Did you find himm this week? Where's FIMM? Come find the only Foot in Mouth Man picture that is different from all the rest. Email what he looks like and where you found himm to fimm@artofeloquence.com and you could win a free Art of Eloquence eProduct of your choice!
Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist & a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
From JoJo'sPurple Crayon...
Where's FIMM? Did you find himm this week? Where's FIMM? Come find the only Foot in Mouth Man picture that is different from all the rest. Email what he looks like and where you found himm to fimm@artofeloquence.com and you could win a free Art of Eloquence eProduct of your choice!
Hailey, age 4, heard a thunderstorm rumbling overhead and asked her parents and grandparents to listen to it. After the thunder stopped, Hailey told everyone to be quiet for a minute and she began to pray and asked God to stop the thunder and lightning.
Immediately after she said "Amen," another huge clap of thunder rattled the house.
Hailey looked up towards heaven and said calmly, "Lord, you're not listening!"
- from Good Clean Fun
From JoJo'sPurple Crayon...
Where's FIMM? Did you find himm this week? Where's FIMM? Come find the only Foot in Mouth Man picture that is different from all the rest. Email what he looks like and where you found himm to fimm@artofeloquence.com and you could win a free Art of Eloquence eProduct of your choice!
I was raised by two Atheists of Jewish heritage, married a non practicing Catholic and became a non denominational Christian due, in part, to some Amway meetings and a Jehovah's Witness who came to my door. My purple crayon writes with humor and almost always a little out of the lines.
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This blog is my creative and fun way of sharing my thoughts on communication skills relating mostly to homeschooling and sharing and defending the faith. It also reveals a bit about how the Lord took this shy Agnostic girl and allowed her to find her voice and her purpose, a zany voice to the Christian community with insight as to what unbelievers need to hear about Christ Jesus.
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I'll share news items, quotes, family friendly humor, tips, trivia, and my newest feature: Question of the Week. I invite you to come share your thoughts!
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For more creative fun with JoJo you can visit www.ArtofEloquence.com
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"A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver." -Proverbs 25:11
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
