I homeschool my children for many reasons. One reason is that I don't want my children exposed to worldly things. I appreciate the control I have over my children's social influence. Now I find my entire sphere of influence being undermined by the children (and teachers) in my church.

 You think that church is safe. It's a place where you can drop off your children and know they are being taught good values, in a positive atmosphere. So far this year, my girls (8 and 10) have learned a half dozen or so "swear words" (or versions of them), they have learned about dating, they know who has a crush on who. They have developed a terrible idea of what is fashionable (all which push the boundaries of modesty), and a taste for music that embraces all of these worldly things.

 We raise our family so much differently than most families at our church. We don't beleive in dating, we homeschool, we don't like to over expose ourselves to the negative aspects of the culture around us. Most people find us a bit "fundamentalist". Sometimes I fear we ARE too unwavering in our beliefs, but I firmly beleive that each one of these beliefs are a result  from God leading us in way he WANTS us to live our lives. This is the direction God has called us, yet my children are confused in their own personal direction. 

The worst part, as they experience these lifestyles different from theirs, they have begun to think they are missing something. I hear "mom, why can't I wear that shirt... ______ at church does", or "why can't I watch that movie? I'm the only one who can't see it!" Or, "that's not a swear word mom, everyone at church says it". "Why can't I go to school and experience normal life?"

 I could use some advice. I don't want my children to be pushed away from our faith because of our beliefs, but I don't want to waver in my convictions either. As my girls approach adolescence this becomes more and more of a challenge.

 So, here are my questions. How have you dealt with this issue in your family? Have any of you had a backlash from from forcing you children to adhere to your beliefs? Have any of you belonged to a "family friendly" church that included children in the service? How did your children respond?  I don't want to lose my children because we as a family are to constricting, yet I fear losing my children by allowing the world to penetrate our lives. What should I do? What are you doing? Thanks for your feedback. ~K

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Jan. 21, 2007 - Untitled Comment

Posted by eclecticeducation

In our family we pick and choose our battles. We aren't as conservative as you are but we are more conservative than most of our neighbors, so we hear a lot of "Well so and so can", we just let them know that in our family they can not if it is something we feel will really lead them astray. If they abuse it, then we tighten the reins. Example: We let our oldest son who is ten start watching the Disney Channel, he started picking up and displaying attitudes we do not approve of, so we locked out the Disney Channel and he's back to only watching PBS. Another example is he was playing video games we don't approve of at a friend's house, he can't go in that friend's house now. As for whether your too strict in your convictions, I can not judge you. That is between you and God, but please make sure it is God and not your own desire to protect your children or it will backfire on you. Just remember children do have to live in the world and it is really hard on children to be different. If it is God's will he will help you through this time and will give you the wisdom of how far to take it.

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Jan. 22, 2007 - Untitled Comment

Posted by callmekate

This is just my opinion (and my husband's): Stick with your convictions. If you and your husband have prayed and continue to pray for guidance and wisdom, I believe God will reveal His will for the way you raise your kids. I am unsure how to help you since we are not in this situation. With our kids, we talk about how we do not follow the crowd, that it's o.k. to be different in a world that is following the wrong path. We currently are not attending church and are looking for a "family-friendly" service, one that embraces the whole family in the worship and doesn't pressure families to split up on Sunday - this has happened several times and we've had it. So far, our children haven't been affected as you have written about yours. The values you have mentioned seem important to me, as they must be to you. If only your children could understand that you have their best interests in mind. That modesty, what we say and do, must be held up before the Lord. That's a hard thing for young ones to understand. Perhaps you could start asking them if they think God would be pleased if they wore that shirt or said that word, etc. Maybe that would help them understand. Try not to be pressured by others to follow the crowd. No one cares about your kids like you do. Is there anyway you could cut back on how much time your kids go to Children's Church? I hope I haven't said too much here, and I don't know if I've been any help. This is a tough situation, I will pray for God's guidance for you and your husband. God wants what's best for your kids and I believe he'll show you the way. Pray for your kids to understand and accept your way of life. There is every chance that they'll thank you one day for not letting them do some of the things they've asked to do.

God bless,
Kate

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Jan. 22, 2007 - Good question...we've been discussing this recently

Posted by Anonymous

K,





This is Blessed2BMom's dh here. I'm an Elder in our church (not telling you this to be a Pharisee, just wanted to let you know because of what I'm about to encourage you to do). I would encourage you to share with your church leadership the specific things that have happened to make you question whether sending your children to Children's Church is the best thing for you and your family. Be specific and reference the items you mentioned in your post. Just saying "I don't think Children's Church is a good idea" most likely won't get a "warm response."





I hope that your church is receptive of this feedback. I know that I am always thankful when people share with me their comments (good and bad) so that we can make sure we are doing the best in leading the flock in the Worship of God.





I am still working through where the Lord is leading me on this topic, but I would encourage you to pick up this short book:





"Critique of Modern Youth Ministries"


http://www.visionforum.com/booksandmedia/productdetail.aspx?productid=28209





It's a real quick read (more like a long pamplet) but it's full of a ton of thought provoking material.





This book is a call for parents to be doing the youth leading like we should. The conclusion of the book is more of an indictment on parents for not doing our job than attacking Youth Ministry. We still need Youth Ministry, it's just that parents need to be the one's leading it as families.





I hope that your church would be receptive of your comments, encourage you to pray about it, and work to fix some of the issues that have happened that you mentioned in your post. I would hope that they would be "family friendly" and encourage you to keep your children with you in the sanctuary during the Worship Service so you can Worship the Lord as a family as you wish.





Sorry for the long reply...stop by and see us at http://blog.larsonhomeschool.com.





Thank you for seeking to lead your family in a Biblical manner.





In 1 Corinthians 15:33 it says "Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character." Be careful with whom your children socialize.





God Bless!


Carl

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Jan. 22, 2007 - Untitled Comment

Posted by nsremom

ooooh.....I liked reading the other comments. Very interesting!

We've experienced the same things and frankly...I've been exactly where you are! Since we're on Whidbey Island right now, we're away from our church and it's been a GOOD thing.

I helped in my daughters 2nd grade class and I vowed to never help in that class again. Why? Because of the outright RUDE behavior of the kids. They were shockingly rude towards the teacher and to each other. One kid was mocking God's Word while doing his memory verse and I just couldn't take it, so I told him that 'God's Word is Holy and we don't treat it like that.' He looked like a ghost! (had he never been told that?)

I agree with telling your Sunday school teacher, but what exactly is she/he going to do? Parent them? 'Cause that's what it is. It's a parenting issue. I just don't know what else a loving Sunday School teacher is supposed to do.

I'm going to read the following comments you get, as I'm still struggling with these very issues.

N**** (5th grade) was struggling with hearing other kids belittle and basically torture other kids appearances. I now give him the option of sitting with us if he feels like it.

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Jan. 23, 2007 - tough one

Posted by rachelle

My children are all quite young, so we haven't run into a lot of this yet. However, I can speak from my own childhood experience a bit. I was raised in an extremely conservative church. It was very restrictive, very heavy on doctrine and rules. I grew up very resentful of authority and as a Christian, very fearful of "the world". Now as a parent though, I also want to guard and protect the hearts of my kids. Where's the balance? How can we do it differently?

For starters, we are a lot more lenient than our parents were and we attend a different church. :-) But because there are things that we do differently (such as homeschooling!) we have tried to teach the kids from a faith perspective, rather than a fear perspective. IE - rather than saying "We don't do that because _______ is bad." we would say "We choose to do ________ because God is _________" Does that make sense? It does get tricky though when it comes to other Christian families. But I am responsible for my kids...nobody else will answer for their upbringing but me and my husband. Coincidentally, I blogged a little about this today.

Always enjoy your blog!

Rachelle

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Jan. 23, 2007 - Untitled Comment

Posted by youngmommy

Hello,



I wanted to share a little about my upbringing, since we have not quite gotten there with our own children yet....



I am the oldest of five and was raised in a very conservative Christian home. All five of us were homeschooled through graduation. My parents were very strict with me and my closest two siblings - We did not attend church Sunday school or youth groups and only had like-minded friends. I, honestly, did not feel like I was missing out on anything, because I didn't know WHAT I was "missing".



My youngest two siblings, on the other hand, were allowed to attend youth groups and had several friends who were not the best influence on them and their behavior. I see a HUGE difference in their attitudes and behavior, even now.



I say all of this to encourage you to stand your ground, be strong and follow the Lord's leading. If you feel that your children are being negatively influenced by the "church kids" do what you know you need to do to protect them. (I'm not sure how old your children are, so this will look different for you than it may for me.)



Just my 2 cents!



Blessings,

YoungMommy

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Jan. 23, 2007 - Untitled Comment

Posted by CTdittmar

You've hit on a subject so close to my heart! I really hear you and resonate with EVERYTHING you've just posted. May I recommend Teri Maxwell's book, Keeping Our Children's Hearts. It really addresses this issue so well. My advice, distilled from some of what I read, is to continue really talking through your reasons and answers well with your children, lovingly and patiently. Don't give pat short answers like "Because mom says so" or the like. Explain modesty from scripture and talk about our body being the temple of the Holy Spirit. Spend lots of time doing things that tie your hearts together, crafting, playing games, being silly, baking, whatever they love. When you're winning their hearts, you're winning the war of influence. The Maxwell book seriously addresses the children's church thing too. We stopped having our children go to children's church at our old church for these reasons you mentioned. We lovingly explained that we wanted them in worship with us. It's hard when what would be a positive influence for the kids on the street is a worldly influence for those being grounded and discipled to a higher standard in their homes. Keep the good fight! Keep your children's hearts!

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Jan. 23, 2007 - Children's Church

Posted by FruitfulFamily

I must say that I am like you in many ways. I've read the other comments and agree. What I am learning is this. What mommy and daddy says means nothing, but the Word of God will never pass away. Sometimes we come up with rules because that is what we think and can be borderline legalistic. But if God's Word is clear on a subject then that is it. We are teaching our children to fear the Lord and obey Him at all cost. I have said that it is a shame that we have to be counter-cultural in the church. But today is a day where you cannot tell where the church ends and the world begins. The two mirror one another, and that is sad. Stick you guns 9not to prove you are right or a hard nose--because that will run them away), but show them in the Word throught constant study what God says, and when they want to wear, say, do, watch or listen to things that make you cringe, have them hold it up to the light of the word and see if it still stands. It puts the responsibility of decision making on them. If they feel comfortable doing certain things after shining the light of God's Word on it, you have a bigger issue other than the act that they want to do. You have a heart issue that must be changed. I pick my children's friends to an extent. If they like a certain person, I watch the other child's behavior and my child's behavior when they are together and I determine who has the influence. My daughter has a friend that rarely went ot church and now does regularly with us, but she is allowed to do things that we aren't. At first my daughter was questioned about why. Now my daughter can stand on God's Word even when her flesh has a desire to do certain things. We must train our children to combat our on lustful and evil desires and rely on the Holy Spirit to provide us with strength and a way of escape during temptation. I must agree you see some awful behavior when you approach the children's ministry sometimes. And you have proof when the adults tell you how great your children are, but you know them!!!! But the church is for the sick (even sick children). I partner with you as we train our children to stand firm and unwavering against this dark and perverse generation--not accusing or legalistic but to stand in the strength of the cross to live right!

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Jan. 23, 2007 - Valid Concerns

Posted by EEEEMommy

I've been mulling this over a lot and praying over my comments, but find myself lacking in how to express them succinctly....
One question I would ask is: "How are you inspiring your kids to make godly choices themselves?"
To explain, I will give an example from our house with regard to modesty. One afternoon, I sat down with my young girls and looked through a modern clothing catalog. As we looked through it together, I questioned THEM about whether the clothes were modest and why or why not. Then I asked them to pick and choose from the catalog to create outfits which WERE modest. It was an amazingly productive time and the girls excelled in making wise choices and realized that modest can be pretty. They knew in their hearts and could tell me. Some of their critiques were even more critical than my own standards. To follow up, when summer came, I told my girls that they could choose their own bathing suits, but I reserved veto power. So we went shopping and I made no objections to any of the suits they took from the rack. While they tried them on, I asked them, "Is it modest?" They had to make the hard choices themselves, and the marvelous thing was, they did! It didn't become a battle!
My hope in doing these types of things, is that while they are young, my kids will come to a personal understanding of what is acceptable in God's eyes. I HATE legalism, and I don't want to force a bunch of rules on my kids, but I want them to live in purity. But they have to own it! And I do not think they're too young to start doing so!

The other thought that I had was to take yourself out of the situation and point them straight to the Word. Find the verses about proper speech and then ask them to judge for themselves whether the slang they're picking up measures up to the Word of God. It's not about Mom and Dad making up a bunch of stupid rules, it's about conforming to the Word. Pray that the Holy Spirit would instruct them through the Word and that they will respond in obedience.

Well, I warned you that I couldn't be succinct. There's more swimming through my head, but I'll spare you. (Unless you really want to hear it)

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