Let me start this with I really and truly know the real reason for Christmas but I feel like I am lost in the expectations of everyone around me.  I feel pressured to buy things that I don't really want to buy and can't really afford to buy because it is expected.  I really do like to give but to me the real reason to give or spirit of giving has left the holiday long ago. I want to bow out of the name drawing but I think people think it is for the wrong reason. I mean the people that we spend the holidays with are family but do we really know them anymore? I mean other than the expected times of the year I don't think any of us make any real effort to spend time together or even know each other any more.  It really hurts that I don't know my own family well enough to know what to buy them as a gift that they would like.  If I even liked to go shopping I would like to be able to be shopping and see something that reminds me of that person and be able to buy it for them as a gift.  I shouldn't have to spend a certain amount or buy only certain things that are listed I should already know that person well enough to know what they would like right? I thought it was the thought and not the amount that is spent that was important.  Is it really anyone's business how much I spend on a gift?  What if I wanted to make them something, is that not good enough? I understand why we don't really know each other that well it is because we are so busy with the rest of our lives that we don't make the time to sit down and play games together or even talk with each other face to face anymore.  I mean where are our hearts.  I know that most of us homeschool because we want to know our children and what they are learning to be the right things and the important things.  I don't want to teach my children busyness but I am afraid I do it even if it is unwillingly. 

I know that I said in my previous post that I thought this year was going to be reflective. I feel like I have been reflecting for this whole year.  I don't really know what is going to become of it.  I didn't really expect to be around family this year and to be honest I was looking forward to the break.  You see I come from a divorced family so the holidays for me mean going to or trying to go to about at least two but possibly up to four or five place.  It doesn't really make it very fun but someone is going to feel left out.  Unfortunately it usually ends up being the same bunch of people.  I have talked to DH about (after 17 years of marriage) us finally coming up with some things we would like to do for or with our children that we can really stand behind.  We have taken our children sometimes driving 100+  miles in one or two days just to try and make everyone else happy.  What is sad about that is that our family pretty much all live within 75 miles of each other.  But when you drive to one county for time with one family and two to three hours later drive across two counties to visit with the another part or side of the family and then try to get home to get to bed and sleep before getting up the next day and starting all over again to hit two more sides of the family.  Does anyone see why I am starting to not like the holidays very much.  I really don't look forward to them at all anymore.  The more children the more work and the harder it gets.  I guess I only do it because if I don't my children will not know that part of the family and I don't want them to not know their family.  But I guess what I am wondering is if it is even worth it.  What are they really getting out of the holiday season?  Besides exhausted I mean? Oh and spoiled.  Sorry I am starting to feel like I am just complaining or venting.  I hope everyone else is having a wonderful Christmas season and that you are truly blessed by the happenings of this time.  Not everyone feels about family the way I do some people even enjoy seeing theirs.

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