Posted in Life and Learning
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Another school year is here but this time it is different for me. My oldest daughter is now 18 and decided that she doesn't like school, which didn't really surprise me, enough to go on to college right now. The younger two daughters have started public school or any school outside the home, for the first time in their lives. The original reason for them to go to school was that I needed to find a job, which is not really going all that well. I mean two months and still no job very frustrating. The 10yo is in the fifth grade and loves it even though she complains about certain things and I have to admit they do bother me as well. She is in the highest groups for reading and is doing really well which is not really a surprise either but I don't know what to do about her boredom. The 4yo is in preschool at the public school which is three hours. I must admit I think she is really ready for kindergarten which is what we would be doing if she were at home but the silly school system and their age rules. Any way 4yo was listening and watching the teacher read a story to the class one of the first days of school, the teacher decided to change the end of the story up just a little bit to welcome the children to school. My dd decided to let her know the book did not say what she read. I think it is funny but I think they may try to start pulling her out for a reading group in an older class. (I hope anyway) I think the only one having a hard time adjusting is me.  I don't really like someone else dictating my schedule to me and not really knowing what or how well they are being taught the material. I guess they will get along fine they are smart girls and I will eventually adjust or pull them back out. I know that I have plenty of things to keep me busy at home even without them here until I can find work that will pay me enough to make it worth leaving the house. LOL |
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It is funny how the time just seems to disappear. It has been two years since I started this blog and though I have not been very consistent with it I have enjoyed it very much. I don't seem to spend as much time online as I once did and with the kids requiring more and more attention it probably won't increase any time soon. So much in my life has changed and yet somehow it is the same too. I find it funny that that can happen but it often does. Jobs change, locations change, children grow older and yet we find ourselves in the same place emotionally or in attitude. Some times even in circumstances. Well it is my goal this year to work on not returning to the same circumstances or at least the same reaction to the same circumstances. It is time to take charge and be proactive in dealing with things in my life and quit reacting to the things in my life. I can't promise that I will blog more but I would like to try and I don't know if it will be here or somewhere else but again we will see. Okay time for me to take a proactive stance with the girls, clean the house and work on my financial peace. TTYL |
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Wow! Thanks TC for reminding me that I haven’t posted in a while. I have been really busy and I know that is not really an excuse because I am sure you are all busy too. I am still adjusting to this working outside the home. It makes it hard for me to keep the control I desire over the house. I have trouble keeping my mind clear when the house is a mess. I am trying to find a method that will be easier or kind of fun for the girls to maintain. It is probably my fault for not training them better to begin with but I have tried I think they are just exceptionally obstinate like their Dad. I also have to fight for time on the computer anymore. Well enough about excuses. I started trying to lose weight back in February and … weight for it… I have lost 22 pounds so far. I am still not where I want to be but I am happy with the results so far. The last time I measured I had lost a total of 2.5 inches overall. The class is going well, most everyone has lost weight and I am happy for them. I feel like some of them are holding back and are really not ready to change the way they live in order to accomplish this goal but they are slowly realizing that you don’t have to give up everything just modify. And lots of water. Exercise is easy enough with the book I mentioned in the earlier post. Well I guess I should get going, you know, house to clean, school, work, menus etc. to plan. Well until we meet again. Love hearing from you guys. I try to keep up with all of your blogs but some of you post a lot not that I mind I just have to read a long time. I don’t mind just the kids don’t behave that long without some supervision. |
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I thought it might be a good time for an update on what is going on with this little cracked pot. (You know that name came from truly wanting to be a useful vessel for the Lord?) Well I don't know how useful I am but I sure am busy.
Well Back in January I started co-leading a weight loss group at our church. I didn't have any experience with this but knew that if I was going to be motivated to actually lose weight it was going to be because I was trying to help other people. So... as of a couple of weeks ago this group of about 10 or so women had collectively lost 113 pounds. I am so excited for them. We have been discussing how making these better choices for our lives makes us feel as well as the losing weight. I personally have lost approximately 20 pounds. Now this really excites me since I haven't really lost any significant weight in the past almost 10 years. Of course, I must also admit that I haven't really been trying much either. Right now my goal is to lose a total of about 72 pounds. I may revise that as I get closer. I am really happy with the changes I am seeing take place in my body so I may decide that I don't have to be as light as I originally thought at first.
This whole process has not been as difficult as I thought it might be. We are using a book that I had tried before with my husband and we had lost weight but it was just before we moved across the country and then our life got really stressful so we didn't really stick with the exercises that much. Now I feel guilty that we didn't but thank goodness it really isn't too late to start again.
Oh, I'm sorry I didn't tell you the name of the book did I ? Well, It is called 8 Minutes in the Morning : For Extra Easy Weight Loss by Jorge Cruise. And it really is extra easy. The exercises only take approximately 8 minutes to do first thing in the morning. No extra equipment or special skills are required. The diet was one that I felt like I could live with and not just tolerate. Besides I can have chocolate everyday if I want to. I don't have to cut out carbs or anything weird. It is mainly about moderation and portion control. I don't really have to count calories although this has made more aware and I read labels a lot more but that was my choice not a requirement.
I hear so many people complain about losing weight and hating diets and trying everything under the sun I just wanted you to know that this option is working for people all over the place and I don't feel deprived or hungry or anything. I basically eat every three hours stopping three hours before bedtime and He guarantees that following this program you will lose 2 pounds a week.
Well I will get off my soap box for now and get on with my life but I will try to keep up with this a little more often if I can. Still living a very hectic life but I am hoping that things will settle down in the next few months.
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Okay, So what has been going on since I was last here. Well when I posted on the 9th we were planning on setting up the tree and decorating the next day. We did get the tree set up and then after church that night we went to our storage building to get our Christmas decorations and much to our surprise found that our lock had been cut and some of our stuff had been stolen. It was really strange the things that are missing some of which we still don’t know what they are. I mean they left the stereo that was in plain sight and up front but went through everything and took two foot lockers that my girls kept locked to keep out their nosey and destructive toddler sister. I wanted to cry for them because I know that the things that were in the trunks were important to them but would be worthless to the persons who took them. Interestingly enough I am still unable to located most of my clothes as well as a plastic drawer cube that had my hair accessories and miscellaneous stuff in it. We are sure that other things are missing as well but are unable to identify what it is because we also lost the hard drive on the computer in which I inventoried everything that I had packed. (Separate tragedy unrelated to the theft other than the listed inventories.) So this in addition to my growing dislike for crowds of people and traffic is contributing my struggle with the BAH Humbug feeling. Seriously, I really do want to wish everyone a Very Merry Christmas. I am sure that I will snap out of this real soon. I am going to take off from work early tomorrow and spend time with my sister who is now home from Africa after 2 ½ years. Maybe we can cheer each other up. It hasn’t been a good week. Much love to you all and I will keep praying through the not so nice feelings that keep creeping in to ruin my holidays. |
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Happy Birthday! You know I was asked about ten or so times “ What are you doing for your birthday?” I always have to answer the same way “nothing that is what I always do.” The most I really ever do is eat and maybe spend time with family. Sometimes that is not a bad thing but one of these days I would really like to have a party. I don’t really know if I would like it to be a surprise party or not. I am a planner so I would worry about things going right. Not to mention I don’t know if anyone would show up. I am also rather good at figuring things out which makes it really hard to get the surprise part in as well. Because of the type of background or personality I have I guess I find it really hard to be the center of attention. I really kind of like being in the background and just making things work. I am a problem solver so when there is a problem I immediately start looking for solutions. Notice I said “solutions” that is because I believe there could be more than one answer or way to solve the problem.
I mean I thought I was ready for her departure. She had complained about living for so many years and then with her rather rapid debilitation illness I just thought I have grieved along the way. But I guess living in her house with all of her things and having spent so much time with her over the years it just hit me harder than I expected. Of course, there may be some hormone influences in there as well but that is another story all together too common for most women any way.
I am learning that my mother and step father are planning to buy the properties and would in turn be our landlords. I don’t know what there plans are exactly where we are concerned or for that matter exactly what ours are going to be. I don’t know if I am ready or willing to be answering to my mother again on any level really. She has a really hard time letting things go and I would like a little freedom in how I live. I know my husband is not going to like being or trying to be controlled by my family any more than I will. So I will keep praying and asking for prayer for grace and mercy for our family and our living situations. Of course, after “Our Grand Adventures” over the last year we feel like we are right back in the same emotional, spiritual and physical state we were in when we left here. My husband is once again in the same job in the same place and in the same condition as when we left, as well as we are once again feeling trapped in our living conditions. Finances are a little better but I am still working to decrease debt and I am spending much more time away from home and my children, which makes it increasingly difficult to home school. But we are desperately trying to make it work. I don’t know is there anyone else out there that works outside the home and still manages to home school? I am not working full time but I am gone most of the morning and then home in the afternoons but then I am a Math tutor so two to three days a week my afternoons are filled with other students who pay me to help them. I am really torn about what to do. On the one hand, I feel like my children are getting the short end of the deal but on the other we really need the money right now. I am trying to look into being able to put the time that my 16 yo spends in household and childcare duties into her transcript as credit for life skills or home economics or something. There has been so much thrust upon her this year but I am so proud of her in all that she has overcome and how she has risen to the challenge and done such a great job in handling all the things that have come her way. Even if she is behind in the curriculum. Sometimes life just doesn’t go by the book. Who am I kidding? It most often doesn’t.
I used tell my moms, when I was a craft coordinator, that creativity is not necessarily in what you come up with but in how you make the mistakes look beautiful. I used to watch as these women would make goofs and oops’ and see the beautiful and creative ways they would incorporate them into their works. To me that is what life is all about. Not necessarily in not making mistakes, because we all make them but in how we incorporate them into the rest of our lives and show others how God can make beautiful what we consider ugly and sometimes tragic. “Beauty for Ashes” I am thankful everyday that God can still use and make the mess I call my life a beautiful testimony for others. |
Well I thought I was going to be able to post more often but it is just so busy right now. Last week was really hard for me for some reason. I was down a lot and figured I was just grieving. I realized that I miss my grandmother much more than I thought I would. 
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Well, I know that is has only been a few weeks since my last post and I thought I was going to be able to post more often but then life picked up a notch and proved me wrong. However, I am getting them closer together so that is progress.
I really love coming to see what other people comment it can be uplifting and confirming. I would love to be able to get more involved with some of the stuff I see going on with other blogs. I will just have to see how things go.
This has been a very stressful weekend. I have been taking care of my grandmother these past few weeks since her diagnosis of lung cancer and it has a been a rapid decline she passed away this past Thursday. I know that she is no longer in pain and she will be much better off in many ways. She only found out Labor Day but I am not sure if she even really realized what was going on. It was sad to watch her lose so many things in such a short time. I constantly worried about how it would affect my children to be around her night and day and to see the decline and pain. I worried about my family as it became difficult and sometimes impossible for us to really do things together as a family since it required so much of us to take care of her. I really didn’t mind making at least her final wish of dying in her home come true.
But I was beginning to wonder how much longer I could make that happen but I guess God saw that and intervened. I must admit that I was somewhat relieved when she did pass on. (I hope you don’t think I am an awful person. Well I can‘t really stop you but I know that I am not.) It was really hard to watch her leave us even before she stopped breathing. I am thankful that I was able to grieve as we went though it did make it much easier for the funeral. I really only cry when I think about the things that we will no longer be able to do together.
I know that I don’t want that to happen to me and at the same time that I don’t have much control over it. It can be very hard to watch someone else’s life spin out of their control and watch them fight it but be able to do nothing. I know that God is always in control. Sometimes we find it hard to trust that he has our best interest in mind. But Why do we find it hard? Do we really believe that our creator would create us just to torture and mistreat us? I don’t and at every crisis in my life I have stopped and wondered what I am suppose to get from the situation and how I am to pass on that knowledge and experience to help someone else. I find it the most difficult when I keep going through the same type of experience. Then I begin to feel like I am stupid and didn’t learn what I was suppose to learn the first time. After a while I began to think that maybe I just happened to be the innocent bystander that had to pay because someone else in my life did not “get it”. (But we won’t mention any names okay.) I look forward to learning all the lessons that God has for me to learn and use to help others to His Glory. If anything I put here does that then it is just another bonus. Sometimes as I write I am able to straighten the jumble in my mind out and it all starts to make sense. Not always so I apologize if this is not making any sense to you. |
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Blessings, Gifts &/or Curses? Well, I was reading back over previous posts, In Limbo, and decided I needed to put out an update so those of you who might be interested could maybe find out how things were going and the answers to some of those prayers and questions. I really do appreciate the comments they are often so encouraging. I don’t really know how to respond to the comments yet. First of all I still feel like I am in limbo but we are settled somewhat for now. We at least are hooked back into the internet as of this week.
So we are unsure how long we will be here and where we will go when she is no longer with us. I am concerned about exactly what I should do about the kids though. I have started working part time and that was leaving the girls to do most of their school work while I am away. My 16yo1d has been a marvelous help in the care of my grandmother while I am at work but it now has become necessary for there to be two people here to lift her and help her go to the bathroom. I pray that we will make the best decision for all involved right now.
I will keep praying for the peace and rest that we need to get by and keep our relationships strong with each other and the children. Speaking of relationships yesterday was the 17th anniversary of my husband’s and my wedding, which I also find to be a blessing, I don’t know if either of us really expected to be married to one person this long considering both of our pasts. I mean we didn’t put divorce as an option when we agreed to marry but still he had already been divorced and I was a child of divorce and had seen several step parents come and go on both sides. Please keep praying that we will find the much needed time and privacy we need together to keep our relationship strong. Hard thing to do with three children of various ages (2, 8, 16) and no room of our own right now. I have become involved at church again. I am excited about what I am doing but wonder if it is too soon with all that is going on in my life at home right now. I committed to these things before we knew about my grandmothers condition but have continued my commitment thinking I need to make myself have an outlet to have somewhat of a break. Just the same I do have a problem with telling people no when there is a need I can fill. Sometimes I think the gift of service can also be a curse. Just kidding really I think God wants us to realize that serving is where we are to find our joy and I do it is just sometimes hard to find it when you are exhausted. Speaking of exhausted I think it is time I go to sleep who knows when I will be called out of bed before I am ready so until next time … which should be sooner that it was before. |
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Let me see, we are relatively settled back in Kentucky. We have been back for three months. We still aren't back into our house officially but then again we weren't real excited about that anyway, but we are going to be working on getting it in a more liveable condition with the help of some friends.
It is so funny that people are still coming up to us and asking if we are in town for a visit or that they thought we were moving away. We tell them that we did move away and that now we are back. Those that know we have been back are asking how we like being back? I can honestly say, I don't mind being back and that I know God had and continues to have a purpose for all that we have been through in the last six months. I am truly looking forward to seeing what that purpose is and how it is revealed to us.
I have already become involved in some things that I don't think I would have been able to do before we left. I am excited about the future in our spiritual lives as well as our physical ones. One of the big things we have learned from this experience is that you have to take what you find joy from and find a way to make it part of your life on a regular basis, no matter what it is. I have watched my husband for almost 20 years do things that he doesn't really enjoy so that he could provide what he thought we were looking for. I think had he done what he found joy in for all those years we would already be in such a better place. I don't know if that would be financially but I do know emotionally.
It feels good to have peace about decisions finally. I know that we have struggled with them for so long afraid of making the wrong ones or hurting people or that we would be thought selfish. I am just glad to have a different perspective on things. I have always said I never wanted to live in California, now I can say that if conditions were right I wouldn't mind living there. (Of course, those conditions would have to be being filthy rich.
Well we hope to start school this week but we will have to see since I am working outside the home at least part time now we are going to have to work extra hard on a better schedule and then I am also tutoring again and that is keeping me pretty busy too. I just keep praying that all this will work out for the best.
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I feel like it has been forever since we have been in a place of our own. The sad thing is we still have a place of our own we just don't have a way to cook there. Several of the things that made life easier well maybe just kept them up off the floor are gone now so I am having to replace things I didn't not expect and we just don't have the extra money to do that right now. So in addition to having to have some wiring and plumbing done which can get expensive I am in need of finding shelves that will fit in our small, little, cozy home.
I still have not added the phone bill back on yet and therefore no internet either. We are still checking it at other places so I have not been able to blog regularly. I have never really looked at myself as a writer but I am finding that I miss this part of my life. Maybe it was a just a great way for me to feel like me and not just somebody's wife or mother or whatever hat may fit for the moment.
I look forward to sharing what is going on in our lives and ask that you pray for my family as we make decisions about our future and what to do with it next. Our oldest daughter just turned 16 and is chomping at the bit to get her permit and start driving. She is having a party this weekend and I am busy working on the planning for that as well.
Again, please just pray that we as a family can remain in God's will and receive His blessing on the decisions that are to come in business, school and family. Thank you for your faithfulness and thoughtfulness. I look forward to the next time we can share. |
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Well,
I don't really know that I have thought about this all that much but I
wanted to post something to let anyone that tries to keep up with us
what is going on. I am finding that of all the things I have to
live without right now the computer and internet are the things that I
miss the most. Well we are back in Kentucky. That is about all I can say right now. Our household contents are somewhere between here and California? Our vehicle is in the same place, well not necessarily the same place since they are not actually traveling together. I think you get the idea? I truly grateful to the family, Church family and God for providing the means for us and our meager belongings back here. We went back to our church home today and it was very nice to be missed and welcomed back so genuinely. I hope that I didn't not upset anyone by not being overly excited about being here. It is just that there are so many things that are not wrapped up or clear to me right now. I don't really expect to know why things did not work out for us in California, and I truly believe that God does have a plan for everything I just anxiously await finding out what that is. I have tried to look at this as a fresh start in an old and familiar place. I can begin new things or renew old ones. I just want to be very cautious about the things I pick up, start or return to. I may need to reevaluate where God wants me to work and not just step in and go back to the way things were. I am continuing to pray that God will show me where he wants me to be working. I want to experience the joy of fulfilling His purpose again. I hope that everyone will be patient with me and let God help me with this and share what God has shared with them. Please pray that I will continue to be open to His leading and be able to stand firm where He is leading. Sometimes I am really good at caving in just to keep the peace. I think one of the things I learned from this move was not to cave so easily. I have a good head on my shoulders and am very intuitive so I should follow my heart and God leading and be sure to stand firm with my family and let them know as well what I am getting from God. I doubt myself too much sometimes. Well I guess I will try to finish my laundry, 
I am on borrowed space and time and need to find my new
place in this town, our church as well as in His will and
purpose. Pray for my journey and look forward to getting my
home, internet and etc. back in order. Hope to see you in
cyberspace again real soon. |
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Wow, what a whirlwind. It is similar with the mental or psychological stuff as well. I mean every so often it is important to look at what you are carrying around in your head and heart and decide what you really need and what you would be just as well or better off without. Now I am a firm believer that life experiences, good and bad alike, have made me what I am today. So I don’t need to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Well I guess this was a long enough break from the packing better get back to work. The moving trailer will be here tomorrow and then the real work begins. Well at least the heavy lifting and stuff. I don’t know when I will post again. It may be again before we leave or it could be much later. I hope sooner though I am finding I kind of like this. |
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Well I looked at this blog all day yesterday and just couldn’t bring myself to put my thoughts out to everyone. I just thought they were too depressing and whinny. So I started out today with my quiet time with the Lord praying that my husband would make a decision and we could quit living in limbo. Well he did and we have decided to come back to To top it all off when I went to the mail box I received my first and hopefully only eviction notice in my life. We have three days to either pay $4300 or leave the premises. Now I understand where the landlord is coming from and I’m not upset with her at all. I wished I had the money to pay her. I wished that none of these problems came up at all but they did and now it is time to deal with them and move on. So with the adrenaline pumping I am getting out this request for prayer and provision to God and anyone who can pray and I am going to start packing as fast as I can. Now let me tell you I have been packing slowly over the last few weeks in anticipation that we would have to move somewhere anyway but now I am under the gun. So I don’t know what will come next but I am sure that God is in control and I am not worried. Wow, it is so relieve to say that. I have been worried since three weeks after we go here and to finally not be is such a relief. Well I guess I better get packing and thank you for the prayers. I will try to get on here again before we head out. But until then and after then I don’t know how soon I can or will be here again. I have only been on here a few days and I really love the way you guys comment and feel like friends already. Thank you so much, and may God be with each and every one of you.
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We seem to be plagued by financial difficulties. I know that some of them are brought on by the poor decisions we make but not all come from that. But I am just so tired of this problem. We knew there would be sacrifices with our choice for me to stay home with the kids we just thought we were making decisions that would eventually ease some of that.
My husband tries so hard to do what He thinks God has assigned his job to be, Provider of the family. Unfortunately, he also feels like he fails repeatedly. I try to gracefully remind him that money is not the only way he can provide for us.
Sometimes I wished God still used the Burning Bush or the writing on the wall. Some days I don’t think anything short of yelling at me would get my attention. However, I have many things I would love to just crawl up in His lap and talk with him about. You know like "Father", "Daddy", Where do we go when we have to leave this house? We can't afford anything right now, so what do we do?
Now I know that I pray often and sometimes I feel a peace that He has answered but still don’t know exactly what I am supposed to do. I mean there is definitely something I am supposed to do, right? He doesn’t expect us to pray and then just sit on our bottoms and wait for Him to take care of it does He? I would love it if that were true. Someone, please tell me it is true. Well even if it were the bill collectors and other people in the world aren’t going to let me get away with that. So I keep working about the things I believe I am suppose to and wait on a word from the Lord. If God leaves a word for me with you could you please tell me?
Emotionally exhauseted and Confused? |
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Sometimes I wonder what I am doing. I mean I have the best intentions to get so many things done and then I have the interruptions of life that I cannot control or can I? I mean, I guess I am suppose to be able to control some of the interruptions that happen like the fact that the kids don’t do what they are suppose to and come asking something every time I am on the phone or right in the middle of a some thought that I am trying to convey to someone by email or instant messenger. I know that children are supposed to be blessings and that the reason I don’t see them as such is a failure on my part in their upbringing. But I just don’t know that I have the stamina to take them on. I mean it is three against one. When I think I have something under control I have some"little"one interrupt to “help”, as if any of the others think that one mother isn’t enough. I have read books on parenting, taken Bible studies and talked to many other experienced parents. I have decided that none of these methods work without the consistency and the team work of both parents. This can be a problem when one of us is much more focused elsewhere in the world. I am reminded of Paul in Romans So herein lies the dilemma, I will to raise my children to be the blessings God intended them to be, but I seem to have trouble with the practice of what I know is good yet I do not do it because it is so hard that I cannot do it by myself (team needed). I mean it doesn’t do any good for me to lay down the law if I don’t have anyone else to enforce it, does it?
Before anyone might think I am bashing my dh know that we have also discussed these issues and know our own shortcomings as well. He knows how I feel, he just may not agree all the time. He is a wonderful and loving husband and I know that he does the best he can, as we all do and sometimes just fall short. Thank goodness Christ came to cover all of those shortcomings. |