I have really been struggling with the ability to balance all the areas of my life lately. We have found it necessary for me to go back to work and I really don't want to put the kids in the public school so I have continued to keep them at home to home school. I really, really don't want to put the youngest one in daycare so therein lies my delimma.  As if that wasn't enough, I also have trouble not helping others.  I mean, I am getting better at saying "no" but it seems the things that I am saying "yes" to are rather consuming.  I have lived a rather challenging life and feel that God wants me to use those to help others.  With that being said I am now working with a Celebrate Recovery ministry. It is a wonderful ministry and I want to help people.  I am coleading a group on weight loss.  I am in need of losing weight myself so it helps that that is what I am suppose to be doing. 

 I also have a gift for organizing and so I volunteered to help with the Powerpoint presentations along with several others however I have ended up being the one that puts the praise and worship screens together and that in and of itself would not be that bad but I end up under the gun because people take their time getting me what is going to be on for the week.  I enjoy it when it is finished and people seem to like what is done but I am starting to get stressed by the whole process.  I haven't been able to find anybody else willing to take on the task, since I haven't had anyone that really helps except for one person and he doesn't feel he could do it by himself.  What to do? What to do?

I guess I said all that to explain that the blog has been the thing to go by the wayside.  I know that I can not do all things so it has been hard deciding the things that should go.  I will probably just not be able to do blogs very often.  Sadly I miss them.  I enjoy reading so many others and yet it takes so much time.

I may start using this in a journaling sort of way.  It may help with the weight loss or it may just be a place when I have free minute or two I can express myself.  I really miss being a stay at home mom.  Maybe I can work that out in a little while. 'Til I return take care and I will check in as I can.

Oh, Yeah,  anyone have any tips on how you can get a three year old to want to go to the potty.  I have a stubborn, intellegent 3yo girl that just doesn't want to go to the potty.  Darn that little genius.

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Let me start this with I really and truly know the real reason for Christmas but I feel like I am lost in the expectations of everyone around me.  I feel pressured to buy things that I don't really want to buy and can't really afford to buy because it is expected.  I really do like to give but to me the real reason to give or spirit of giving has left the holiday long ago. I want to bow out of the name drawing but I think people think it is for the wrong reason. I mean the people that we spend the holidays with are family but do we really know them anymore? I mean other than the expected times of the year I don't think any of us make any real effort to spend time together or even know each other any more.  It really hurts that I don't know my own family well enough to know what to buy them as a gift that they would like.  If I even liked to go shopping I would like to be able to be shopping and see something that reminds me of that person and be able to buy it for them as a gift.  I shouldn't have to spend a certain amount or buy only certain things that are listed I should already know that person well enough to know what they would like right? I thought it was the thought and not the amount that is spent that was important.  Is it really anyone's business how much I spend on a gift?  What if I wanted to make them something, is that not good enough? I understand why we don't really know each other that well it is because we are so busy with the rest of our lives that we don't make the time to sit down and play games together or even talk with each other face to face anymore.  I mean where are our hearts.  I know that most of us homeschool because we want to know our children and what they are learning to be the right things and the important things.  I don't want to teach my children busyness but I am afraid I do it even if it is unwillingly. 

I know that I said in my previous post that I thought this year was going to be reflective. I feel like I have been reflecting for this whole year.  I don't really know what is going to become of it.  I didn't really expect to be around family this year and to be honest I was looking forward to the break.  You see I come from a divorced family so the holidays for me mean going to or trying to go to about at least two but possibly up to four or five place.  It doesn't really make it very fun but someone is going to feel left out.  Unfortunately it usually ends up being the same bunch of people.  I have talked to DH about (after 17 years of marriage) us finally coming up with some things we would like to do for or with our children that we can really stand behind.  We have taken our children sometimes driving 100+  miles in one or two days just to try and make everyone else happy.  What is sad about that is that our family pretty much all live within 75 miles of each other.  But when you drive to one county for time with one family and two to three hours later drive across two counties to visit with the another part or side of the family and then try to get home to get to bed and sleep before getting up the next day and starting all over again to hit two more sides of the family.  Does anyone see why I am starting to not like the holidays very much.  I really don't look forward to them at all anymore.  The more children the more work and the harder it gets.  I guess I only do it because if I don't my children will not know that part of the family and I don't want them to not know their family.  But I guess what I am wondering is if it is even worth it.  What are they really getting out of the holiday season?  Besides exhausted I mean? Oh and spoiled.  Sorry I am starting to feel like I am just complaining or venting.  I hope everyone else is having a wonderful Christmas season and that you are truly blessed by the happenings of this time.  Not everyone feels about family the way I do some people even enjoy seeing theirs.

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We have officially started school at our house.    Funny, it really isn’t our house but I guess it is going to be at least for a while.  As I may have said before we are staying with my Grandmother, we have been staying here since we got back from California.  At first it was going to be temporary and then we felt like she did not need to be living by herself and didn’t know what to do. 

Well, now we know she doesn’t need to be by herself. Our family has learned this week that she has cancer and that there really isn’t any treatment option that would be reasonable for an 81-year-old woman, that is tired of being on this earth.  She has not been happy about living since her husband died the week after their 50^th Wedding Anniversary.  I know that would probably upset me too and since then she has been through a lot of health issues, in fact in her life time she has come through a lot of health issues that most of us have not had to deal with including at least two other types of cancer as well as having Emphysema.  She has never really liked going to doctor and well I think she just wants wait for her time to go.  I think she is hoping for sooner rather than later. 

She has decided that she wants to stay at her home, and she wants my family to stay with her.  Now, I thought she might like for us to go, I mean my family can wear out a healthy person but she wants us to stay.  So I feel like it is my duty to try and make all of us as comfortable as possible.  I don’t know where to begin.  I know there are things that my family would really want, if it isn’t considered a need, that she might not be too comfortable with or understand.  I mean what am I supposed to do with a lot of stuff that has accumulated over the last 50 + years. I don’t want to upset her but how do I go about helping her to change things when she is so resistant to change.  I don’t think I can continue to live out of suitcases much longer. 

I am willing to compromise but is she willing to also? What will she be willing to let go of in order to make room for some of our things as well?  I don’t want my kids to ruin something of hers even by accident and kids don’t always understand that everything is not a toy. I will just continue to pray that there will be peace in the house and in each individual as we try to make these adjustments in our lives. I am anxious to feel like I have a home and am not just a guest in someone’s house.

Lord, please help us to see You in all that is about to go on in our family.  Help me please, to show my children how to care for the sick and show mercy to the hurting as well as how to take care of ourselves in a healthy way both physically and spiritually. Please, help my grandmother to understand that some change is good to grow. Please help her to be willing to compromise and be able to tell me what she wants and is willing to do, that we may all live in peace and reasonable harmony.  I expect some rough times but I know that Your grace is sufficient to see us through.

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 ...so far. The moving trailer will be delivered on Wednesday, the 24^th and we will load it up and then it will be picked up by Friday and they will deliver it in Hopkinsville approximately 6 -7 days later.  We are scheduled to fly out on Sunday the 28^th and need to figure out how to get from the airport with 5 people and who knows how much luggage to home.  We are due to arrive in Nashville at around 4:00 on Sunday evening.  So I guess all that is left is to get the vehicle transported back there and find a place to stay for two days after our stuff leaves. 

I have to admit we have mixed feeling about going back. I mean we miss everybody back home and know that we will be welcome and that we will be able to make things work out eventually.  It will not be easy but it will be more reliable.  At the same time, in the short time we have been here we have come to like things here, particularly the weather and will miss all of the opportunity for learning and different experiences that are here.  There is so much to see and explore and do that we will miss that. Of course, as with anything you will always wonder if there was something you could have done differently to make things work out better.

We have pretty much put school aside for now.  Too much stress in all the other areas of our life.  So we will pick it back up when things settle down a bit I hope.  I definitely have reevaluated the process and approach we are using and feel we need something else.  I must admit coming from the teaching field that I would lean more toward textbook just because that is what I know.  But I don’t know if that is necessarily what I have always believed in anyway.  The only reason I am thinking so much about it at this point is because of finances I will have to plan ahead quite a bit. I like the idea of History through Literature.  I think I don’t really know that I could use that for more than one age on some level.  I may have to look a little harder to find books for my 8yo. I want them to learn logic and I don’t really know all that much about Trivium so I will need to research more.  If I have to go back to work I don’t know how much time I will have to plan and grade and I don’t really like the grading part of it but it is necessary. I definitely want to focus more on foreign language and then I want them to have the necessary everyday skills in math and economics as well as government so they can find there way with confidence and conviction.  Don’t think I forgot about God, He is the absolute first on the list but I think that is better learned by example and I would love to do a bible study with each of them so that I can see their growth and be comfortable knowing I have done all that I can with Christ’s help.

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I know this to be true but I also know it is sometimes hard to accept when things are not going well in your life.  I guess the problem is that I worry too much about what others think of me and always have. I don’t like the circumstances that I find myself in and I don’t like having to depend on other people to get me out of them.  I know that most of them are just vessels of the Lord (“most” because there are “some” that have selfish reasons for helping) but just the same I feel badly because I am not able to do for myself. 

I believe that God brought us to California so that we would become completely dependent on Him.  Which, of course, we needed to do anywhere we were, but probably wouldn’t have done if we had stayed where we had friends and family to fall back on when things got tough.  We have grown together so much as a family.  When you only have each other there is great growth in the relationship, as it is with God when you depend completely on Him because you have no where else to turn. Now I don’t know that I really had no where else to turn but I am one that likes to be independent and therefore don’t like to ask others for help. I guess because it makes me feel helpless or useless. I already struggle with feeling unimportant or insignificant. 

I feel like I have much to offer and many ways that God intends to use me. Why else would I have survived the many tragic and life threatening experiences in my life, but to help others with similar life circumstances.  I know there are plenty of people who have similar circumstances in their life, so why me, and when and with whom?  All really good questions and I just try to keep myself open to the opportunity for I do not know when or where it will come. 

I am actually excited about going back to Kentucky. (Weird, never thought I would feel like that let alone ever think it.) I feel like I have learned much about myself and my life as well as different things I feel I can take back there and use in ministry of some sort.  I guess that is in my nature to try to always improve things.  Well I guess I should go try to finish packing.  Just feeling good about God providing and seeing the light at the end of tunnel even if it is way down there and wanted to share.

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First of all I am a math person and not a writer so this is all new to me.  I was thinking that I have a lot of experiences that may be of benefit to someone but needed a creative outlet to share.

I am 37 years old and the mother of 3 very intelligent and beautiful girls. I have been homeschooling for five years now. The oldest dd is in the 10th grade and the second dd is in 2nd grade.  The third lovely dd is only two but tries ever so desperately to keep up with the other two in every way.

I have recently moved over 2000 miles away from the places I was born and raised in so I don't have any friends here yet. So I am looking to connect in any way I can find for now. 

So How did I come up with name CrackedPot?  Well, believing that God has placed me in this wilderness so to speak in order that He can use me for His Glory and since I feel I am far from perfect as hard as I try. I mean with the life experiences I have had a I feel a little beat up  and cracked and I recall teaching about God using broken vessels for his glory.  Vessel seems a little bit dated but everyone knows what a "pot" is, right. Well anyway this is my attempt at a start at a blog so leave me a comment letting me know how I am doing or any advice will be appreciated.

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