It seems through all of my efforts to slow life down... it has still moved... and I find it all bittersweet.
Four weeks ago, I walked into the hospital smiling. While I was having contractions, the pain was minimal. Because the doctor had said to come in as soon as I began having contractions so he could break my water, we didn't wait as I have in the past with my other pregnancies. Normally I would have labored at home for as long as I could "stand it" because I don't like the idea of people watching me in pain. So, Mike and I went in around 4pm and the doctor broke my water about a half hour after that.
I was excited because the nurse I had with my first birth came in and offered to be my nurse again. She was so wonderful back then, and so I was glad to have her there. The doctor gave me a cervical block (I continue to dilate, but feel no contractions). Over the next couple of hours, he gave me a few more and I had
very little pain until I'd reached the point of pushing.
Even though we never found out what we were having, I had really thought we were having a girl, so I was REALLY surprised when the doctor said, "it's a BOY!" (He knew that we'd been thinking it was girl and we had him convinced too! a;lskdjf;asldjkf) He had come out extremely fast, and so he had a little bit of a rough start breathing, but everything turned out fine.
As I think back to the delivery room, I remember looking at my little boy's face and examining every part of him for the first time. Mike prayed and dedicated him to the Lord as we thanked Him for our newest blessing... and then, Mike said, "he's almost an hour old already..." Even then, as I tried to slow each second down, time moved too fast.
The kids came to see their new baby brother, and after they'd gone and we were brought into our new room, Mike and proceeded to discuss what our boy's name would be. Yes, it's true... we had no name for a boy! I was that sure we were having a girl! It was almost 1am and Mike needed to go home to the kids so my mom could go home. We talked on the phone as Mike looked on the internet for the meanings of different names we'd talked about before. At 1:30am, EZRA MATTHEW finally had his name.
"Matthew" means gift of God (or gift from God). Many wonder why we continue to have children... and yet, we feel each child is a gift from God. And so, that is how is middle name came to be. As for his first name, when I was in the delivery room I almost called him "Ezra"as I looked at his little face. It was weird because I didn't remember us ever picking that name (we did have a list of boy names we'd considered). When we got to our room and looked at the list, I saw that the name Ezra was there. When Mike went home, he found a commentary on the book of Ezra. As he read it, it sounded like what we were going through in our lives now, telling of how the captives were set free. We have been "captive" in so many ways with his business, our debts, the past, and more. As we embark on this new chapter in our lives, in many ways we feel as if we're being set free and so "Ezra" will remind us of this time in our life.
When I had my first child, I assumed there would be more, and even though I cherished all of his "firsts", I looked forward to when he would roll over, or crawl, or begin walking. Each milestone was exciting and welcomed with great anticipation... but now, as I look at the precious bundle sleeping next to me, I can't help but sigh at his legs that are filling out, and the little double chin that's beginning to form under his beautiful face, I can't help but wonder if this is the last baby I'll have. I've held him a little longer, and he's spent almost every night in our bed with my face touching his soft hair. Every moment has been cherished more and not taken for granted... and nothing is different from the other babies... except for me... and the reality of life and time... and how precious they truly are.
Still Seeking,
Amy
