Eighteen years ago, a life was being born that would later transform my heart. I knew nothing of it at the time... I was too young to have borne the life myself. Yet... that life came into the same world I lived in, without my greeting or happiness, or even knowing that it would come to touch my world with great emotions.
I was never going to have kids (that's a direct quote) and only entertained the idea of getting married. I couldn't imagine staying with anyone indefinitely, or vice-versa. Relationships came and went, and with each one, another piece of my heart was left scarred. Then I met the man who would later ask me to marry him...
I will never forget the first time I saw his son. I could never have imagined then, the turn my life would take. I wish I could make parts of the story glamorous and christ-like, however, the truth is simply... Christ was the furthest thing from my mind, or heart, at that time. Two years later, at the tender age of twenty, I became a wife and "mother" in a moment.
Since then, the best way to describe my experience of being a "smamma" (step-mamma) would be a roller-coaster ride for my heart. I can honestly say, I'm not sure what I've taught him, but in looking back, I know that I have gained so much because of him. There is so much that I've learned... and although some of the lessons have been tough, the biggest thing I am thankful for is his life. Because of him, my heart softened to the idea of having children.
God saw a greater plan then I could've ever imagined... and He wrapped it up in a four year old boy who is now an eighteen year old man. He is finishing up his senior year (he wasn't supposed to graduate until 2008) and will be leaving our home soon. I'm not sure what he'll be doing, but I know that the Lord has great plans for him...
The following is something I wrote to him that I'd like to share:
I taught you how to tie your shoes, and instilled your love of drawing. I also taught a little boy, scared to get his face wet, how to run through the sprinkler in the front yard (I will never forget how proud you were of that) and I continued to watch as you took swimming lessons each summer, advancing to the next level and becoming an avid swimmer.
But as I sat trying to think of what I had taught you... how I had influenced your life, it hit me... I realized how much you had impacted mine instead. The biggest impact you've had on my life is certainly the fact that I was never going to have any children. When you came into my life, and I saw the love your father had for you, and how much I loved you as well... my heart softened to wanting children (obviously it softened a lot!). God has blessed my life so much in the lives of the children He's given me since and I thank you, because you were the first child I ever loved.
Another thing I learned was how to let go. Each summer you would come for three months, and then leave again. The pain of your absence was always unbearable. After becoming a Christian, the Lord reminded me that neither you, nor any of my other children, were mine... you were all His, and that I needed to give all of you to Him to care for. Through you I had to learn to "let go and let God".
I learned the power of prayer as well, and how important it was to have a relationship with the Lord. Because you weren't with us all the time, but God was, I talked with Him about you and prayed so many times for your protection and safety. I also learned through that, that even I can't pray away all the struggles or trials that you will go through. That's been especially hard to learn, but a process in knowing that you aren't mine, but the Lord's child, and that He is molding you into what He desires you to be.
I also learned more about love from you than anyone else. It's easy to love when someone loves you back. When love really is tested is when you must show love despite what another is showing... I hope you know how much I love you... how much I've always loved you. I know you will go on to do great things... I know because the Lord has told me. I don't know how long it will take you to get there, but your dad and I know that everything that leads you to that point, will be a step closer. We also know that when that time comes, there will be great rejoicing for there is nothing better than being in the Lord's Will and fulfilling His plan.
Thank you for everything you've taught me... and continue to teach me. Your life has impacted mine more than you'll probably ever realize. I'm so thankful that your father is in my life, and with him, came you. I know that without you, I would've been so different.
I will contine praying for you and your future. May you seek the Lord with all your heart, and may the Lord richly bless you with a Godly wife and children for they are truly the Lord's richest blessings. With them, you will have everything. I love you...
"Smamma"
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•Friday, September 1, 2006 - Happy Birthday, Joe!