For those of you who have been following along with my blog, you know that I've been struggling on and off over the past few months.  There have been moments of testing, trials, and frustration.  Through all of it, I knew that things could be so much worse... I certainly had no "right" to complain.  I received encouragement through those who have prayed and emailed me.  I have also continued to receive emails asking questions and those needing help.  I kept trying to keep up with everything, losing ground little by little... more and more.

Over the last two weeks, there have been many changes in our home... good and bad.  I have continued with my on-going inner struggle and the voice of the enemy seeking to destroy me.  I have tried hard to fight, but it's become more than I can bear.  I know now that I was trying to do it on my own, with the occassional "lift" from the Lord. 

I also had been doing things in obedience to the Lord.  I know the right answers, and have been going through the steps... but my heart hasn't been willing.  I have done what I've needed to do, but not in the way He wants... with a loving heart.  I have stressed out my husband in needing him to fulfill me in ways he simply cannot... and that is where I found the Answer...

Lord, why won't You answer me?...
You aren't listening...
Why is everything so tough right now?  I can't possibly do everything!
Why do you hold on to the things that weigh you down?  Give your burdens to me... completely... you must not worry and complain... you must GIVE THEM UP COMPLETELY...
I'm alone Lord...
No, you're not...
and I feel like such a failure...
that is NOT my voice you hear...
I love my husband so much, yet I am failing as a wife...
you must not love him more than Me...
and I have little to no relationship with my step-son...
you have given up...
and school isn't going well AT ALL...
you are not teaching what I want... give up your plans...
and the kids have been so horrible lately.  Motherhood has been such a struggle... I love them so much but I've been at a loss with them...
they are MY children... quit raising them as you would and raise them as I want...
and I keep crying out to You Lord, but You're not answering...
you aren't waiting for my reply...
I have cried out to You so many times asking for help...
You are not listening for my answer...
I have done what You would have me do...
but you haven't felt it in your heart...  This is not just about obedience My child... this is about LOVE...
and as a woman of God... well, I just feel empty...
Ahh... there you go child...  it's your heart that needs to be filled.  Are you ready?
I'm so empty Lord...
Yes... I know...
I need to...
be filled...  It is time... are you ready to listen?  Are you ready to be filled to overflowing once again?  Come child... come and be filled.

I will be fasting over the next 30 days.  I was unsure how or what to do when this first was impressed on my heart, as I'm nursing... so how could I possibly fast?  But the Lord has spoke to me over the past week, and answered my questions. It all started when I came across another woman's blog about fasting from buying anything.  The Lord began to speak to my heart that moment.  Over the last week, He has told me this "fasting" will be to fill myself with more of Him and that it was time to evaluate what was taken time from Him. 

Over the next 30 days:

• I will not be buying anything outside of neccessities. 
  
• I will not be on the computer at all... no email, no blog, no forum... nothing.  (My husband will be checking my email and such in case there are any emergencies to notify me of, but I will not be here.)  This was a tough one for me to swallow, as there are so many of you who are so dear to me.  I also was concerned that people would stop coming to my blog... and the Lord convicted me right away that this is NOT about "numbers".  He has given me a wonderful opportunity to "minister" to as many that have ministered to me, and it would be nothing if not for Him.  I will post and let you know when I'm back and I'm sure I'll have many things to share. 
  
• I will not be using the phone.  I'm turning the ringer off.  My husband will listen to messages and answer it, but I will not have it on during the times I am home alone, nor will I talk on it unless NEEDED.
  
• I am joining a study group as well and look forward to growing in that.  This is the ONLY exception during my fast from the computer, as the study in online.  I will have a specific time to do this.
  
• Let's face it... I'm a mom of six children under ten.  There's not a lot of "free time" to spend in constant conversation with the Lord.  Therefore, I will have some set times that I am with the Lord in the night hours (setting my alarm) and I will journal my time as well.  It will be interesting to look back on this when it's over.

Thank you to those who have prayed for me.  As I've stated, things could be so much worse.  I am so blessed in my life.  But this isn't about that... this is about a heart that has become empty... and there is only One who can fill that.  I am taken what's broken to the Healer Himself.  It's time...

Dear Heavenly Father,
I'm so sorry for getting so busy with things of this world, that I have lost my passion for You.  With so many "wonderful and helpful" things... I have occupied my time and not spent the time with the One who fills me up... and I have become empty.  Lord, I want less of me and more of You.  I come thirsty Lord... quench me... I come empty Lord... fill me.  I pray that I would overflow once again...
In Jesus' name,
Amen.