Since I "left" blogging in March, I wondered when I would return. There were times when I ached to write... to share... to encourage... but more often, if I'm being completely honest, I was relieved to be spending time with my kids, removed from the "blog world"... and I was glad that I didn't have to share what was going on in my life... and my heart.
For those of you who have stuck with me over time, you know that I had many struggles before I left. Life kept getting harder, and I felt myself slipping on so many levels. I felt as though this woman that others talked about was larger than what I was, or could ever be, and although I was humbled... I was completely overwhelmed. When this blog started, I had anything but "grand ideas" for it. I had no idea how many lives would be touched... or how mine would be as well by those who grace these pages. And it seemed, the more that came, and the larger DANDELION SEEDS became... well, I felt "plain-ol' Amy" loosing herself.
When I contemplated leaving, I thought of all the encouraging words and humbling thank-you's over my time blogging. It was amazing to me. But when I asked myself the simple question... "how do my kids see me?"... Well, I wasn't so "amazed" at that answer. You see, God may enable me to do many things in this life... but the gift He's given me in each of my children is not something to take for granted, and if at the end of my life, thousands of women express thanks and gratitude for how I touched their lives, but my children don't know the woman they speak of... I will have failed. If others talk about how lively and full of laughter I was, but my children only hear me complain... I will have failed. So, these are the thoughts that called me away...
Once I quit, life got even more difficult, and the more difficult things got... the easier it was to stay away. There wasn't any way that I would be able to encourage others in the midst of my lows, and for that I was thankful to be away from blogging. I've stumbled and fallen more times than I care to admit... and even though things are still tough... and I'm still in a "valley", as I listened to a song play in our vehicle the other day, I got a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away... in my heart I knew I needed to return.
I needed to return, not to encourage other women through words to uplift, but to share this season of life with others who may be struggling as well. I'd hoped that this time of struggle would be over and I would be "on my merry way"... but I'm realizing that this IS my life right now and to be brutally honest... I don't like much about it. I would like to be able to offer some "happy ending" to it, but I can't right now because I have no idea how it will end.
Now, don't get me wrong here... I know that so many people have things so much worse than me. I am married to a wonderful man and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams with many children... but I am learning more and more in reading other people's blogs that pain is our own experience... our own interpretation... and while I can read about another woman's pain and suffering and think I don't have it so bad... there are still those moments when I cry out as though I cannot face another moment. For this reason, I have been brought back to write.
I know I needed to leave blogging for awhile. Things in my home were falling apart. But things are beginning to "take shape" and we're on a good road for now. And as much as I would rather continue to make excuses NOT to come back, He is telling me otherwise. I have to confess that I'm not the least bit comfortable in exposing myself in such a way either. I know there are others reading my blog with a critical eye... and heart.
It's time to be uncomfortable and rely on Me...
I wish I had different things to write about, but this is me... broken.
There are others hurting and alone...
And this isn't at all what I thought this would be.
There is a bigger plan than you see...
What if I stumble?
I will pick you up...
They will see so much more than I'd like.
I will use you if you let Me.
And so, here I am Lord... use me how You see fit. Help me to not be prideful and hide behind a smile that isn't real... help me to find true joy in the midst of my circumstances, and while I seek You, may others know they aren't alone in their suffering... and together may we grow closer to You as You heal us from within and prepare us for better days ahead. I am ready Lord... send me... no matter how much it hurts... Lord, that I would remain faithful to You... for this I pray.
Amy:
It is so good to "hear" from you again. I know exactly where you are coming from...I left blogging for awhile and am not quite ready to get back. I have felt like I was becoming a big fake...who I was becoming in cyberspace was moving farther away from who I was for my family. Isn't it strange how that happens...it happens slowly overtime and then one day it hits you.
I'm glad you have your perspective though. You have such a wonderful way of putting into words what many of us are thinking and feeling, too. God bless you.
Michelle
I've missed you around here. And you are more than welcome to just be "plain ol Amy"-- that's what we like about you. You're...uh, normal...yeah, normal.
Even though I'll always think of your not-so-plain V-day surprise for your hubby...blow up palm tree and all! ;-)
Your post made me think of a song by Casting Crowns titled "Stained-Glass Masquerade." God would much prefer us to be real and honest and transparent with ourselves, others, and Him rather than hide behind a fake smile. Even if we are struggling, God can still be glorified. He isn't only glorified when things are "perfect" but even when things are not. Hang in there! I am praying for you and your family!
Glad to see you back. I hear...depression...? I pray you seek and find the comfort and assurance you need...fear--of being exposed as....a hypocrite?? But none of us thinks you are perfect! You are human! One of the best ways you can minister to others is just to be real...to show them your struggles and that our God says, "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." I have so enjoyed and been ministered to by your Clean Heart blog...and yes, maybe felt I didn't measure up when I couldn't get it all together (clutter still surrounds me!), but I have missed reading your posts. Thank you for your honesty and transparency. God loves you!
You've encouraged me just with this one post, as this is about how I am feeling right now. I know that people think my life is perfect because I can laugh through a lot of it, but sometimes I just sit and cry about the way I am feeling, how hopeless I feel as a mother, when I keep messing up, and how far away from the Lord I feel when I keep finding myself in sin.
Dear Amy! We missed you around here! Thank you for coming back when things weren't perfect and coming back to be real with us. Our world today (and especially the church!) need more christians who are 'real' people, not fake put on your 'church' or 'happy' face Christians! When I went through my worst time, the thing that amazed me most is the the Christians were the ones who couldn't take my brutal honesty about how I was feeling! The world accepted my pain, Christians felt I was wrong to grieve so deeply! I have determined since then to be real with people. My blog is a place where my heart is exposed at times - ouch! But it is keeping it real!
Thanks for the shot between the eyes about balancing blogging and family! This is something I'm not so good at! (honesty again!) I'm real on the blog, I'm just on it a bit too much!!! I discovered how my kids thought about it when I phone line went down for a few days recently. I had no computer access for a few days and they had said it would be over a week. then the technichan came a few days early to fix the problem. I told the boys we were getting the phone and computer back early and they said 'NO! WE LIKE IT WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PHONE AND COMPUTER!' That has started me thinking about how much this steals me away from them. Then it kinda slips to the back of my mind and you brought it clearly into view today! Thank you! Sorry for the ridiculously long comment! Thank you for coming back to us 'warts and all' as they say!
There is such freedom in being real and authentic. I attended a Women of Faith conference over the weekend in DC and each speaker (Beth Moore was one) shared DEEP pain---things that could be kept secret. They took off the veils and each one shined brighter because of it. Welcome back.
Teresa in NC
Hopefully writing about what's going on will help bring healing in your life Amy. There is such freedom in just being real. Your posts and encouragement have blessed many in the past and will continue to do so in the future as they walk along the path you.
I wrote a post just yesterday on the things God calls us to do. He often presents us with some very uncomfortable doors to walk through. Not fun, but necessary.
Amy, your heart shines through. I've been there, and I know that you are so brave to come back. You're doing the right thing. May God use you mightily!
In your testimony there will be proof pf His resurrection power.
We can still witness miracles as we look at what HE is able to do in and with us.
You have encouraged me in my prayers for others.
May His face shine upon you, as yours keeps focused on Him.
Welcome Back Amy, you were missed.
I'm broken too. I am only real in weblog land. DH and rest of the family/friends in real life don't want to know how I am truly feeling...they prefer "put on a fake smile and laugh Swylv" not the real "my heart is aching and I just want to be done with this world" Swylv.
I came to the blog right before you left, but I have been blessed by the things I read and your willingness to share. Please know that God can use our weaknesses, for that is the time HE is the strongest. May He bless you and keep you firmly in His hands.
Amy, it is so great to have you back with us. I understand the struggles and the fear of which you speak. (((HUG))) I look forward to walking your journey with you and I know God will use you to teach, comfort, and encourage many.
Welcome back and thank-you for being so honest. Us bloggers are real people with real lives away from the screen. It's hard to find that balance. Bless you for being obedient. God can use anyone, at any place in their life. I think He prefers brokenness, to perfection.
I've checked back often to see if you had 'come back' or not, but putting family first though is what I figured you were doing.
Priorities straight, and all that, I guess my only advise is to not bite off more then you can chew, you alone are not responsible for everyone here, only yourself and your family.
Writing your blog with your ups and downs lets us all know we are not alone in what we do every day raising children, keeping house, loving our husbands, and trying to be true to ourselves
Glad your 'back', but I'll understand if you can't stay, only you can look in the mirror and decide if the lady you see there, is what you want to be.
Many of us are looking for something on the 'net that isn't there, it's in our hearts, mind and souls -- we have to pray for it
I love that video! Thank you for sharing it. This song says a lot. I understand the feeling! It's hard when we feel called to speak encouragement or wisdom or point out sin, etc. and we know how fallible WE are.
The tension in that place is exactly where we need to live. Not that God wants us to be miserable! But, I think he wants to help us feel ok about it. He created us and knows us better than we know ourselves -- but I think you know all of this. Thank you for being brave and faithful and sharing with all of us, even if it is uncomfortable and maybe painful.
I am so moved by your words....more than you can know...but He knows. I, too, am struggling. God uses brokeness in a way like no other....thank you for being yielded and transparent.
had been the very first of my favorite reads when i just started blogging here at HSB. i have loved your posts, inspired & blessed, so i keep coming back. this year was the toughest year of my 4 years living in a foreign land, i'm still on the valley too, i almost take my blog down as well, but alien as i am here with nobody but me, my husband & kids, my only outlet to release my feelings & thoughts is my blog. i keep blogging even if all i write was just probably whining & misery. i don't care what other people think, i know i was being real, i'm still human and imperfect.
i am praying for you. glad you started writing again. i tried to do my internet activity when the kids are i bed but i still struggle & get tempted to do.. just one thing.
Amy,
I have read your blog off and on since you started it. You have encouraged so many . . . but I certainly understand needing to take a break from blogging and staying fully in your own world with your own family. The computer (and the time and energy it steals away from my own family) is a temptation just like any other. I pray that you will find a happy balance as you are returning to your blog. I'll be checking in when I can.
Blessings and prayers,
Dianne
and a woman seeking the Lord's Will (daily), a wife (striv- ing to keep the romance alive), a "Smamma" (Step- mother) of one and a homeschooling mom of seven (I was never going to have child- ren), who starts every day over (after messing SOME thing up the day before), knowing God's grace is overflowing (just like my laundry), and so thankful He's blessed me more than I'll ever deserve.
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•Tuesday, July 24, 2007 - Untitled Comment
It is so good to "hear" from you again. I know exactly where you are coming from...I left blogging for awhile and am not quite ready to get back. I have felt like I was becoming a big fake...who I was becoming in cyberspace was moving farther away from who I was for my family. Isn't it strange how that happens...it happens slowly overtime and then one day it hits you.
I'm glad you have your perspective though. You have such a wonderful way of putting into words what many of us are thinking and feeling, too. God bless you.
Michelle