Well, this week's devotion hit me hard... When I first read the verse, I have to admit that I scoffed.  It's been a tough week and the coming week ahead isn't looking a whole lot "brighter".  Mike and I have been getting ready for the church planter's assessment center and he's been very overwhelmed with many other things as well, leaving me to feel as though I'm drowning.  To top that off, we've realized that for whatever reason, I seem to go through a "phase" every year around the same time that is especially hard for me and I hit "bottom".  Finding the "silver lining" is almost impossible.  I used to think it was because of homeschooling when I would evaluate our year so far and never seem to measure up to where I'd like to be.  This year was going pretty well and so I figured everything would be fine... but as I said... I sat down to write about this week's devotion and I... scoffed.

As I read the verse I thought, "I've been crying a lot lately..."  And then it hit me... I haven't been going to the Lord.  I haven't been seeking Him as I should.  I've gotten so consumed with the present circumstances, that I've taken my focus off the Lord and what He would have for me...  I've needed Him, but I haven't shown Him that... I haven't expressed that... I haven't admitted that in my heart.  Instead, I've tried to fix things... I've tried to plan for things... I've tried to figure out what the next step will be instead of going to the Lord.  I have refused to just get on my knees... broken... and cry out to the One who holds my life in His hands.  I haven't kept my promise to do whatever the Lord would ask of me... to go where ever He would send me... and it's time...

I have drifted in the past days Lord... and if You are using this time to bring me back, then I know I have a decision to make... I can continue to just cry, or I can cry out to You... to call on You... and to wait for Your answer.  Lord, I am running back to You with tears running down my face of sadness and joy, and anticipate for the first time in awhile, You taking me up in Your arms and holding me... and instead of trying to figure out what will happen after that... I will not think further than the moment You have given me... I'm sorry for wanting to give up when things have gotten tough... I'm sorry I've doubted Your goodness and love and I tell You (again) that I will do what You ask and go where You send me... no matter how difficult that is.  Lord, give me strength and carry me through as You always have.

Still Seeking,
Amy

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