I'm tired of pretending everything is okay... it's not okay, and while I know that everything will be just as God planned, there are days when that just isn't comforting to me. There are days when I'm still scared and have no idea why it is that my family is going through this... why it is that the Lord has chosen us for this. There are days when it's just too hard and it doesn't seem fair while we watch the world go by for others completely unaware of the turmoil we're experiencing at any given moment.
Sometimes things are so good, and I forget... until I'm here again in the depths of this pit that I can't seem to find my way out of... and it's here that the enemy laughs and dances and I fight to hold onto the Truth because it's only through Him that I will ever be able to go on and find my way through.
I know I can't do this alone... and yet sometimes I feel as though I have no one... and I know that He's there... I know it in my mind... sometimes though, it's so far from my heart.
Lord, I have no idea why You've chosen me for this life... for these circumstances. And Lord, I have no idea how I will ever measure up to what these roles demand... church planter's wife and homeschooling mom are more than I ever would have dared to venture in... and yet, here I am absolutely sinking in such overwhelming waters. Lord, calm my spirit... hold my head above the water so I might see a glimpse of the promised land to come...
'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me'
That is His promise for you. It is not in your own strength but in His. None of us can do the jobs we have before us without His help and His strength. I don't know how those without Him in their lives even get out of bed in the morning to be honest???
Thanks for the honesty so we can pray for you! (((HUGS)))
1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
Amy,
I read this blog and it just pulled at my heart. I read your blog weekly, and I follow what you are doing and your heart for your children and your family is so BIG! The gifts that God has given you are so apparent...
When I read this particular blog I remember after my mom and step dad were killed in a car accident. I received a card in the mail from the parents of a friend I had in high school who had died at age 18 of cancer. Inside the card they had written, "God must truly have plans for you because He doesn't give us more than we can handle."
I remember thinking at the time, "Maybe... but He sure is pushing the limit with me..."
I often think of that card, and I have it where I can look at it in a moments notice. Some seasons seem unbearable and we cant help but wonder why...
With my kids grown and out of the house, my season is so different from yours. Yet I look at what you write, and the pictures you take and I am envious that you still have time to love on these kids in your own home - and raise them... while I am in the season of second guessing, wishing I would have spent more time at home with them, wishing I could go back and change how I did time with them.
You and Mike have such loving hearts and God has blessed you with 8 beautiful children that He has put in your care. Wow. Could I be any greener with envy? I know the struggles are great and at times heavy, but God is creating in all of you such beauty and grace. Think of how much better things will be for your children to know the true meaning of family... how much more appreciate they are than many children because they are learning that things do not always come easy....
I hope I am saying this well... I am praying for you as I write this.
Call me anytime - I would love if you could get a little time to come hang out with me sometime. I would love to hear all your stories - walk, talk, sit, laugh, cry, WHATEVER. : )
Know you are not alone - you have God chipping away and making you into the incredible person you are (but are sometimes too close to see...) and know that you have friends who love you and support you every step of the way.
Today - take a step outside... look at the beauty around you... take a moment to forget the "to do" list. Breathe deeply and know that He is God.
and a woman seeking the Lord's Will (daily), a wife (striving to keep the romance alive), a "Smamma" (Step- mother) of one and a homeschooling mom of seven (I was never going to have children), who starts every day over (after messing SOME thing up the day before), knowing God's grace is overflowing (just like my laundry), and so thankful He's blessed me more than I'll ever deserve.
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•Wednesday, August 6, 2008 - Untitled Comment
i read your blog often and want to thank you for sharing