When I was a little girl, I remember getting a new doll every Christmas. I was the oldest of three girls, and we had everything to accommodate a “little mommy”; a complete kitchen set with all the accessories, baby buggies, and homemade clothing from our very talented Aunt. But, somewhere in-between putting clothes on dolls to putting on lipstick, an unconscious decision was made that I was never going to be a mom…

I'm not sure exactly how the resolution came about. I suppose I “grew” into the idea until it became a part of me and every action I displayed. Broken relationships and waning self-respect played a part in the deliberate decision to be in control of my own life and depend on myself, as I released the fairy-tale of finding, and remain happy with, a life-long partner to share life with. Along with my self-reliant goals, having children just didn't “fit”, and if this was the world I was to be a part of, I vowed to never have children.

And then… God healed… He held the broken, cold heart before Him and began mending and melting it, preparing me for the life He would eventually bring me to.

Standing before gathered friends and relatives, “the second wife” and a step-mother at the age of twenty, my life had certainly changed, but my heart had not. I still was going to “have it all” and saw nothing in the way of altering that.

And then… God touched… He reached down from heaven and began fashioning a life inside me that would forever change mine.

I worked beside my husband in a business we owned together, and brought our first two children to work with me. Our plan was for me to continue bringing the kids to work until they were old enough to go to school and then I would return to work full-time with my husband until we retired.

And then… God spoke… Seeing more than I ever could have imagined possible in my life, He called to me and waited for me to answer.

We began going to a new church, I had another child, and we sold our business. My husband joined in a partnership with his brother, and I was left with the reality of staying home with our three children until they were old enough to go to school. But while planning my “semi-retirement” from full-time motherhood, I began to hear more about homeschooling, and I heard the Lord calling me to give up my self and my plans. I wasn't willing, however, and my husband and I began to suffer for it.

And then… God cried… Tears fell as He felt the pain in my marriage and saw the hearts that He'd sewn together grow detached and distant.

Selfishness created a wall that had formed between my husband and I and we came to a place where we no longer knew how to communicate. We didn't know how to fix something in such disarray, and we'd grown indifferent to each other. I cried out to the Lord to save my marriage if that were possible, as I looked into the eyes of yet another baby. He proved that nothing was impossible for the Creator of the Universe.

And then… God breathed… Slowly He renewed the hearts of two and brought them back as one, with Him in the center.

Because we were Christians throughout those tough times, we knew we would be held accountable to the Lord and stand before Him someday. It weighed heavily on us during those hard times and honestly, was what kept me from leaving. There were many nights I asked myself, “Why am I staying here? Is this what I committed myself to?” Then I realized… it was still all about me . I felt imprisoned in a marriage instead of feeling devoted to the Lord. I knew there was only One answer, and He was the Answer to all of my questions, desires, hopes and dreams. The time had come to fully surrender.

And then… God rejoiced… He listened as committed words of devotion and submission flowed from my lips, as well as the heart He'd spent so much time cultivating.

After I'd begun to recover from my self (tee hee), I had to deal with what everyone else expected as well. Comments like, “I thought you were never going to have kids… What happened to you?... Why do you homeschool?...” certainly reminded me of the need for the Lord's strength, daily . The road has been long, while the journey has been continuous. I'd love to be able to say that everything is perfect now and that I've really “got it going on”… but there's nothing further from the truth. I'm a homeschooling mom of six (with another blessing due in May), a "Smamma" (StepMAMMA), a wife, a woman seeking the Lord's Will (as tough as that is at times!) and just a mom who starts every day over (after messing SOME thing up the day before), knowing God's grace is overflowing (just like my laundry), and so thankful He's blessed me more than I'll ever deserve.

And now… God smiles…

And so do I.