My good friend and I had a talk today, well, over the past few days, about my being down in the dumps.  I should probably tell you (for clarity's sake) that I AM taking an anti-depressent and I have taken them on and off for about 10 years or so.  Unfortunately without them I fall into a state of disrepair.  There have been several times when things were going just "perfect" -- and I thought I could stop taking them.  I'd be ok for a month or two, but then it would creep back up on me. 

So, with that knowledge, you can understand why it is even more concerning to me that I feel like this.  I don't feel like I used to -- perhaps a tea-stained version of that.  If that makes sense. 

The funny thing is, before I used to take the anti-depressants I was wildly creative.  All that angst and rage made for some wonderful poetry.  I finished several novels and had idea upon idea to keep myself up to my neck in papers and pencils.  (I always wrote in freehand, it felt more authentic to me at that time) 

I don't really write anymore.  I never get past the planning stages.  Of course there is still some poetry here and there .... but that creative SPARK!!!!!!!  I had for all those years is completely void. 

So, now I mother.  And I cook.  And I clean.  And I try to be a good Christiam.  And I shop too -- which is fun.  And I read.  A lot. 

But looking inward, these are some of the conclusions that I came to.  I guess I don't feel like my "true self" when I am not writing.  There is always something.  In the back of my head I have this feeling that once the kids are grown that it will come back.  My spark.  Creative flair.  And I hope that's true, because I will really miss them.  My kids.  And I will need some huge joy to occupy my time. 

I also got a card today.  A sympathy card from a friend at church.  She said she's been thinking of me and praying for me.  It's really nice to hear that and to think there is someone watching over you in a spiritual manner like that.

This looking inward stuff is HARD work!  Certain things just don't want to be unearthed, you know?

And for the record .......  My menu plan is already a bust.  I AM making the Navy beans and they smell heavenly, but they weren't done in time for dinner, so I made the chicken tacos.  I made homeade tortillas too.  It was very filling and good -- even if my tortillas need a lot of work!  (My first time making them)

Tomorrow Emme has Brownies and I will wander into CVS with some of my extra bucks and buy more things which will earn me MORE extra bucks.  You just have to love CVS!

I had to re-route a shelve of books in my linen closet (can you say "I have a lot of books and no space!"?) and stuffed them into the top shelf of my bedroom closet so I could fit all of the toilet paper, paper towels, shampoo, conditioner, deoderant, cleaning products, etc into my linen closet.  How fun is this?!

What will I do tomorrow to look inward?  I will do lesson two at www.avirtuouswoman.org for starters.  The rest is up in the air.

Sherry

Posted by Abiga51

I have really enjoyed reading all your posts. I didn't think there were any deals out there anymore with coupons and rebates but have not been looking for them since I don't have a household to run anymore. Congratulations on all that you have done. Keep striving toward your goals. You are in my prayers for your depression as my family and I have had to deal with it also in a few of us. It is not something you can prevent or get rid of like some people think. Blessings.

Posted by callmekate

I was thinking ... maybe you should let your doctor know what's going on, they might be able to change your dosage or try a different medication. Just a thought, might make a difference. I'll be praying for you!

Kate