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A friend asked on a board what those of us with older kids did about rules. I had to give it a think before I wrote my reply, I know what we do-- but I didn't want it to read like I am a strictly Hitler or Stalin. It was good for me to think of the "why" behind the "how’s".... here was my reply.
Well, first off- I think that this is one of those things that will look different in each family and possibly even with each kid. I’ll share what we do here … Not saying it’s perfect or right for everyone— just sharing how things run around our place. And here’s hoping that it reads the way I am typing it =0)
It is one of those tricky areas isn’t it?
I don’t allow complete freedom in any area, really. I believe that we are under Gods authority and as we must follow and obey his will and laws – it is my responsibility as a parent to make sure my kids, teens included, have guidelines and rules to follow. I don’t have complete freedom, so my kids don’t either.
Of course the rules change as the kids get older- and as they earn more freedoms by making wise decisions, proving themselves through past performances… it is more room to hang ‘em with if they mess up and need to be reined back in. If a privilege needs to be taken away- we still do that. Heck, a few weeks ago the boys were left with a list of things to have done while I was gone somewhere- they were playing a computer game when I left. When I returned to find they had not done everything on the list but had rather played computer games almost the entire time- They lost computer privileges, completely. To me that was disobedience and they were busted for it. They knew that and they are fine with that as a consequence.
They know that they earn the right to be trusted to have more freedoms and to have the rules slacked a bit as they are mature enough to handle those rules. “To who much is given, much shall be required” is a favorite quote around here… and they have to live it.
Do you allow complete freedom in relation to free time (like holidays) or have rules there too?
My kids have things they still have to do during the holidays – maybe not full on book work- but whatever I require of them… it’s not a free holiday with no rules, no regulation and no parental supervision. If they need to sleep in, I am not banging pots and pans over their beds at 5 am. I will say a sleep in for my kids is 8am. If it were late in the day then I may have issues with it, as the world and our family don’t revolve around them. If the entire family were waiting and their sleeping late or being grumpy when they had to get up, were distributing the rest of our plans- I would have issues with that.
I can still take the boys along with lets have fun with mom and they go along for the ride—I do try to adjust for their interests and stuff though.
I personally, limit the computer A LOT. I don’t like all the things that one can run across through accident while surfing the web. I don’t like the chat rooms or most of the games. I feel that for our family- if they want to play a game- well, heck there are 4 other people in the house to play a game with so lets do it! I know this is the computer age, and the boys have had computer training and they are confidant enough and able to get around and do stuff- they just don’t have hours a day to do so. Heck, only Devon has an email account—to which I have the password and pop on to see what’s up. He doesn’t check it but a few times per week. I think that stuff can easily lead a kid to being sneaky. If they have to talk to their friends on a phone where mom could hear what’s being said—I think that’s a good thing. I don’t like text messaging for that same reason. Again- if a kid has proven themself to be trustful, honest, responsible – then that all is a privilege to be given out accordingly, but still monitored.
Devon and Dylan know the rules and are fine with them, they know that if they blow it, they lose it and I really think they like knowing that. It’s like a safety net being below them- where they can try out new things and start to flap those wings—but if mom or dad see something that they don’t... something that will get them in trouble or whatever – we yank them back in to keep them safe- not to stifle them- to protect and retrain them in that specific area.
Ya, that’s what it’s like – a chance to fly knowing that we will save them from harm while we have the chance—the goal is that every day they earn those rights a bit more, they learn those lessons, they recognize their own limitations, they are able to follow Gods will for their lives—and as they daily grow in aptitude we can give them more and more control until they have it all between them and God- but if they are wise they will always seek advice, counsel and reprimand.
It is all a growing process isn’t it?! I find that for me personally the more time I spend in Gods word and in prayer- the closer I feel to Him, the better I can hear his voice and see where he would have me…..
I think our kids are like that too—the more time they spend with us- really talking with them and having fun together- the more they desire that time with us and our friendship. If that makes sense.
I often will pull the kids back from too much time with friends – I want the most important earthy influences to be their parents and their siblings—not friends- goodness knows how many teens friends have lead astray by friends! Even “good” friends can be a hindrance to family unity and bonds, so I personally keep a close eye on those – I remember feeling, thinking and knowing that what my friends thought was so much more important, right and “me” then what my parents had to say--- and I don’t want that for my kiddos!!! That’s one of those reasons I don’t go out at night much—I try to keep our home time and guard that family time!
Anyways – that was really long winded but that’s what ya get while I am waiting for dinner to bake up. Thank goodness the beeper is about to go off- or I could yak for hours! (I KNOW you find THAT hard to believe ~ haha giggle giggle)
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Posted by Aunt Michelle