A Day in the Life

What page am I on?

2:17 PM, Sep. 19, 2008 .. 2 comments .. Link

I've been praying for something new to write. I love updating my blog but I honestly only write when God has given me something to say. I know several people who are gravely ill with sicknesses and cancer and it is weighing heavily on my heart. I can feel the toll it is taking on their family members. It is times exactly like these when we can question God and His infinite wisdom. When people get sick or have life altering disabilities you can question why.These circumstances make us introspective, we start to try to make sense of life. When I contemplate my own death I feel anxiety because I won't know the ending of the story, what happens with my family and friends, I won't be here to help. I forget the next step in my journey-Eternity. I feel that Life-- Creation to the end of Revelation and everyone in between are a part of a huge book. A legacy that God had Authored. He has designed the layout, the contents, the plot, the ending. We neglect to see, also, that God is also the intended Audience. We were created for Him, to love, and worship and serve the Creator. He is to benefit and know the plot lines of our lives. We are mere characters, part of the action, we stories to tell, lives to lead, people to help, an entrance point, and an exit. Everyone is a weaving in a large tapestry, woven together piece by piece.

When we put ourselves- our lives into perspective, then we see our place and importance. It is ok that we don't know exactly what happens next to the people we leave behind. God is there, not only writing the story, but also intently interested and anxiously awaiting the next page.

It is only then, when we put this behind us, that we can focus intently on our personal journey-- the one we take alone with God. We can have the peace He wants us to have. When we have that peace we can comfort those we are leaving behind. Just please focus on the days we have left and the quality time with the people we love. The book will be at the last page in good time-- God's time.

Pamela Roy

Silence

2:09 PM, Aug. 23, 2008 .. 1 comments .. Link

Silence....

What does it mean to a hearing person? To me it is a time when my children's voices are quieted. A time when I find a moment of aloneness. Even then I can hear the background. I hear the mechanisms of life. The tick-tock of the clock. The hum of the ceiling fan, the kitten meow in the distance. I am aware of the life around me, even when it is silent.

What does silence mean to my son? don't know, although I sit here pondering it. What does he hear? He is profoundly deaf. Supposedly he cannot hear anything. But what does the sound of true silence sound like? I have never heard it. What is it like not hearing your mother's voice? The sound of tinkling bells? Classical music? A baby's laughter? My son cannot hear the daily chatter of our lives. He won't hear his name called at graduation. He won't hear his future wife say I do. He won't hear his children call him dad.

The knowledge of this is almost too much to bear. There are days I hate the sound of music. Simply because I can hear it while he can't. I rail at God over the unfairness of this. He had residual hearing and even that was taken. He remembers what it was like to hear, he remembers whispers, echoes of sounds. To know what you are is missing is worse, I think, than to never know. Yes, I am grateful that he knows our names, he knows the sound of his name. I am so happy we had the foresight in naming him Benjamin. Such a strong consonant. If only I had a hunch, a hint that we would lost all his hearing, I would have worked harder, faster, teaching him the words for everything. We would have worked from sun up to sun down. Every day. Instead suddenly it was all gone. He thought the television was broken, he wanted it fixed. We took him to the doctor and he got angry when the doctor didn't fin his ears. He is mad at me because I won't buy him a cd player like his brothers and sisters.

My daily life is a series of questions. They mostly begin with why. Why did this happen? As I go about my day I am constantly saying to myself comparing things. I can hear this...but he can't. My children are talking about this ... and that...but he is missing out on the chatter. I hope that one day I will have the answers to my questions.

Some people say that deafness is not a disability. I still have not come to grips with that yet. Most days I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am stuck in the middle of the darkness and I feel it is a huge disability. Other days I only see the beauty.

He is beautiful. All of my children are, but why is he on my mind so much? Why do I immediately think, "how will this affect him?" Not my family as a whole, but him. Our lives revolve around him and his needs. I constantly call out to the children, "Where is Ben?" "Is he OK?" "Does he have what he needs?" And the other children like the troopers they are simply comply. They have empathy, they have compassion. They think about other people's feelings, and care if someone gets hurt. But am I hurting them in the long run?

Once when my son was a toddler we thought about respite care. A 'professional' said siblings of special needs children need to have time without them around. Time to be normal. I was offended at the thought. It was almost as if it wasn't fair for the disabled person, they don't get "time off for good behavior." Why should the family?

This was written April 11, 2004. Benjamin was 9.

You don't know me.

7:13 AM, Aug. 19, 2008 .. 1 comments .. Link

I've heard a recurring theme lately among teenagers, "You don't know me, or you don't know the real me." It seems some people put on a mask when they are around other people. It is easly to learn how to act and present yourself to people, especially to your parents.

There is a sense of safety in not showing your real self. Most of us don't feel like we measure up anyway, hiding that "true persona" gives us a chance of evening out, equaling ourselves to regular, normal people.

That perceived safety really isn't there. Not matter how much anyone fakes or hides, God knows the true you. You can pretend to be any one or anything. The fearful can pretend strength, the insecure-- security. You can pretend to not care about things, but remember God's there for you.

It is much better to confess this "true self" to God and ask Hime for help. Most likely, you are only really hiding from yourself anyway.

Pamela Roy

Psalm 139:14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary

139:7-16 We cannot see God, but he can see us. The psalmist did not desire to go from the Lord. Whither can I go? In the most distant corners of the world, in heaven, or in hell, I cannot go out of thy reach. No veil can hide us from God; not the thickest darkness. No disguise can save any person or action from being seen in the true light by him. Secret haunts of sin are as open before God as the most open villanies. On the other hand, the believer cannot be removed from the supporting, comforting presence of his Almighty Friend. Should the persecutor take his life, his soul will the sooner ascend to heaven. The grave cannot separate his body from the love of his Saviour, who will raise it a glorious body. No outward circumstances can separate him from his Lord. While in the path of duty, he may be happy in any situation, by the exercise of faith, hope, and prayer.

Setbacks

9:34 PM, Jul. 22, 2008 .. 3 comments .. Link

“Setbacks… we’ve had a few ... but we did it God’s way!!” Imagine this sung to the tune of Frank Sinatra’s “My Way.” This summer we’ve had a time of reflection. Through out this spring our family made many plans, plans for travel and for purchases. We saw far into the future and dreamed of a European vacation. We made lists of things we needed for our home and improvements that needed to be made.
In doing our finances I sighed and said that we should actually be ahead by August. It seemed things would be clear sailing. Clear sailing. yes well. Until God shows us His plans. God knew all along what really was going to happen. My husband, who is the hardest worker I know, who clocks in more hours every week than most, my tall oak tree, suddenly fell ill. There is a certain peace in knowing you have a good husband. While money is always tight, my faith in my husband has never wavered. I knew that he would always be there to support our large family. Did I have more faith in my husband or in my God? Was I relying too much on our own hard work and less on God providing it?
Since June we have spent ten days in the hospital and the remaining time at home recuperating from the amputation of my husband’s big toe. For a man who stands twelve hours at work every day this had been a major adjustment. It has been a month since my husband has worked. In that month every need we have had has been met. We have a full stocked frig, each bill that has come due has been paid. It has been amazing and humbling at the same time to see God work in our lives. This is not something we deserve and it is not something we’ve done ourselves. Many churches and countless people have prayed for us. We are grateful for anything anyone has done on our behalf.
My husband has never in his adult life had this much time off work. He still has a few weeks before he will be fit for working again. This has been a time of reflection of us. What changes will come of this? I do not know the global impact this will have on our lives. I do know it will be a large impact. We are taking stock of every thing-our family, our jobs, our church. We want to be exactly where God wants us. Sometime big happenings such as surgery, job loss, death, loss of friends, family, possessions—are meant to shake us up. What has happened, has done so because God felt we needed it. There is still along road ahead, we are not out of this crisis yet. But I am confident that will be persevere and triumph.

Loneliness

12:27 PM, May. 23, 2008 .. 3 comments .. Link

Let me tell you about loneliness. You can be in a group of people and feel connected to no one. You feel different from everyone else. You look at people who are friends and desperately want that. You want the ease of conversation and the elegance of camaraderie. You want the assurance that comes from belonging. I don't belong anywhere.

I didn't chose to be a screw up. I didn't wake up and say I want to feel out of place in every facet of my life. I don't want to be fat, ugly, cumbersome, tongue-tied, always saying the wrong thing. I am an embarrassment even to myself.

I know the right way of things. I know how to be a good hostess, being witty and friendly. The how never comes through to the actions. I always seem pathetic. I am worthy only of pity.

I am unliked even in my family. They have close relationships. They have get togethers while I am avoided. Everyone jokes about the difficult family members. The people you make fun of and laugh at. Well, what happens when you are that person? How do you change? I don't want to be perceived this way. In my minds eye I am completely different.

I just finished writing a piece that seemed with out hope. It seems I forgot that I am a child of God. I need to look to Him for the strength I nee to get through each day. If I am worthy enough to be saved I am of value. It is wrong to devalue myself to the point of feeling worthless.

Maybe those of you who are children of God and don't have self esteem problems could consider this. There are people like me out there, damaged people. They sit right next to you in a church service. They work along side of you. you can help the person who seems a little bit off. The person you normally would avoid, laugh at, brush off. Give that person some of your time. Pray for them, make them feel wanted. Not everyone has it all together- the look, the ease, the supportive family and friends that you do. Broken people can be healed. It is true that it is through the cracks we see the Light.

A View From a Deaf Sky

12:10 PM, Oct. 12, 2007 .. 3 comments .. Link

"View from a deaf sky"

Music is important to everyone, so very important. There are songs to listen to, musical pieces played on piano and guitar, a capella singing, tapping your fingers, the hum of everyday appliances. There is music all around us. There is music in the whistling of the wind, the rustling of leaves, dogs barking. If you stop and are still, you can still hear a thousand sounds all comprising a majestic orchestra. Everyone is affected by music whether they admit it or not.

When my son went deaf I went through a grieving process. I am still not finished grieving for his lost hearing. I wear that grief like a cloak every day. In my dreams he is a whole child, complete with hearing, then when I wake up reality sets in. One thing I gave up for nearly two years was music. I love a whole range of musical styles. Classical, jazz, opera, light rock, country, gospel, hymns, I see beauty in all things. My children were taking piano lessons and guitar, and singing in church, we were a musical family. Then when Ben lost what little hearing he had, I gave up hope. I couldn’t bear to listen to anything with out feeling enormous guilt. I would gladly give up my hearing for him to have his. With my depression and my pity party, the children even stopped piano lessons for a year. When a tragedy happens to one person in a family, everyone is troubled by it. Things start to change the familial dynamics. Even now, every other child in the family has been taught to watch out for and to help with Ben. When the children sing and play music as a group, there is a spot empty, a spot that should include my son. He is there though, eager to cheer them on, happy for the rest, on the sidelines as always.

I was thinking about how important music is to me, I’m always humming a tune, or listening to a song on the radio. I guess I am becoming well again, even though my son isn’t. Or maybe he is. He is happy, and I have a glimmer of hope that he hasn’t forgotten music. I often catch him snapping his fingers and bobbing his head, sometimes in conjunction with a song on the radio. Even though he can’t hear it at all, he is aware of a beat, a rhythm. Maybe God has given him a song in his head. I pray he has one or two he remembers. I can’t imagine just silence every hour of every day for the next 80 years or so. Even now as I write this, I hear the ceiling fan going around and around and I am ever mindful of all God has given me. I read something today that said something like this, of all the things the universe has given us, we are only aware of what we do not have.

Pamela Roy copyright 10/12/07

Missionaries

1:18 PM, Sep. 19, 2007 .. 1 comments .. Link

Missionaries

This is a very missionary month at our church. We are having different missionaries speak at each service. This morning we heard from wonderful friends of ours from Mexico. They are here for a couple of months visiting different churches and hopefully getting a much needed break.

I can say that I love missionaries. At one time I wanted to become one. I still do with I could but circumstances and life choices make that difficult. I figure that the best I can do is love them when I get a chance to minister to them.

When I think of the sacrifices missionaries make, you only get one run though with this life. Time spent is time gone. Making a commitment to spend that time serving God and ministering to others is the ultimate sacrifice. You don't get the chance when you hit the end of your life to hit erase and do it over again.

I heard the phrase "live in the moment" today. There is no yesterday, no tomorrow, only now. What foolishness that is! Missionaries sacrifice their yesterdays and todays for tomorrow. They willingly give up time so that others may spend tomorrow with God.

My challenge to you is this- if you are a member of a local church that has missionaries, find out who they are. Do you know any by name? Do you know their needs? Have you prayed for them? The great commission is for every one, yet many of us rely on just a few to fulfill it. If we aren't able to or willing to go to the mission field ourselves, the very least we can do is love those who do.

Thanks.

Psalm 78:41

10:19 AM, Sep. 12, 2007 .. 0 comments .. Link

I wrote this a few weeks ago on a Sunday.

Psalm 78:41" Yea, they turned back and tempted God, and limited the Holy One of Israel." KJV

Psalm 78:41" Again and again those people tested God's patience." English Version for the Deaf.

We chose to limit what God can do for us. This morning in the teen class I was convicted by God with this verse, Psalm 78:41. Since I've been interpreting for my deaf son, I've been getting wonderful sermons meant for young people. I can't tell you how many things I've learned and looked at from a different perspective. Instead of being a chore, being my son's aide is more like a blessing.

Our wonderful youth leader spoke about the children of Israel this morning. How they griped and complained. They sinned against God and provoked Him, they didn't believe in God, they distrusted Him, they flattered Him with lip service and lied to God. The children of Israel grieved the most Wonderful One, they tempted Him and the worst thing of all they limited God.

What did God do? Did He act like I would if my children try my patience, did He snap at them? Turn away from them? No! Psalm 78:38-39 says- "But he, being full of compassion forgave their iniquity and destroyed them not: yea many a time turned He His anger away, and did not stir up all his wrath. For He remembered that they were but flesh: a wind that passeth away, and cometh not again. "

I was convicted on two levels. First, if our God can be so wonderful to us when we grieve Him, shouldn't I try to be more forgiving? Shouldn't I try to turn away my anger more often then I do? I need to practice this patience better with my husband and children. I should also try to carry this practice over into my dealings with fellow Christians and business in my day to day life.

Secondly, how often have I grieved God and caused Him pain? How much have I limited God? Have I ever paid Him lipservice? Flattered Him to His face yet lied in my heart by my actions and words? Why am I still acting like a toddler throwing a fit? And God is the patient Parent calming me down.

My life has had a few more curves then I was planning. Are there blessings that God had in store for me, yet because of my sin, I put limits on God? Oh how my heart grieves over this! I have several ministries close to my heart- Deaf people, Awana, missionaries, homeschooling. How much have I been doing in my own power instead of with God's full blessings and out pouring of love?

I will certainly be spending more time in devotions this week and in prayer making sure all things are right with Him.

Thanks.

Pamela Roy

Psalm 26:7 "That I may publish with the voice of thanksgiving, and tell of all thy wondrous works."

It is a beautiful day outside today

10:08 AM, Jun. 21, 2007 .. 0 comments .. Link

Today is going great so far. We are working on chores, and I am going to start cooking soon. I need to bake some bread. My older boys are off work today but my oldest daughter is already at work. My son, B, is going to Bill Rice Ranch in Tennessee for camp in July and I need to start getting his wardrobe ready. He is beyond excited.

Thoughts on Reading

10:15 AM, Jun. 20, 2007 .. 1 comments .. Link

The single most important thing that I can teach my children is how to read. I say that as if reading is comprised of a single act. The art of reading is a vastly complex and most wonderful function of our lives. It is required that people are literate in order to functioning the world today. As homeschoolers, we like to boast about our gifted and talented children, the masters who win chess championships and spelling bees. Not all students excel far about the pack of their peers. Some are decidedly average or have unique challenges.

I learned early on that to teach my eclectic group, which included CAPD, dyslexia, epilepsy, CMV and Deafness, nothing would be easy or done in a routine manner. In my group of six, I have children who learn quickly, who learn verbally, who learn visually, and those who just struggle. Every day is a joy, though, I must say, just watching them learn.

One thing we are working on now is my youngest, she still isn't reading. Most of her work is done verbally and one of her challenges is that she is next in line to my son who is Deaf. She is bilingual, she signs in ASL frequently through out the day. She is embarrassed about her lack of reading skills. I have had two children with this struggle. What I learned with number four, E, is that you cannot push someone to read. They have to be ready. I feel that the age at which you begin reading is not as important as how well you do learn to read.

I learned how to read at the age of four. I didn't go to preschool, I remember my mother sitting with me on her lap.She would read for hours, it seemed. Eventually it "clicked" for me. I have thousands of books for my children to read, yet it doesn't seem that they have my passion for books. My daughter E, she is falling in love slowly with them. So there is hope. She started reading at ten, just like my youngest daughter D. D is becoming motivated to read. I can see it "clicking" in her mind. I will breathe a sigh of relief when she gets it. It isn't the ending of my teaching career, not by far, yet it is a huge milestone for all of the gang to be reading.

I have read many books on teaching reading, my latest is "LETS READ", A Linguistic Approach, by Leonard Bloomfield and Clarence L. Barnhardt. There is a quote, "Literacy is the most important factor in keeping up our civilization and teaching children to read is the most important task of our schools. We perform this task clumsily and with great waste of labor and time. Even at the end of eight years many of our pupils cannot be said to read; yet eight months out to suffice". So far, I like what Mr. Bloomfield is saying. If someone could bottle the formula of teaching reading, so it would work for everyone, they would rule the world.

I grew concerned about my fifth child, a son, B, when I found out that he is Deaf. Many Deaf people do not learn how to read fluently, many do not read higher than a 4th grade level. I became determined to teach him how to read. I am not really sure how, although God had a lot to do with it, but B reads wonderfully well now. He reads and writes his own stories. I think he figured out early on the importance of the written word in his life. Without his hearing his main method of receiving information is reading and writing. He grasped those facts as early as age seven. There maybe some connection between him reading so well, so early and that is older sister E and younger sister D had problems reading. Did I spend too much time with him and too little with the girls? I have agonized over that and I hope my efforts with the girls now make up for the time we spent with B and his therapies and doctors appointments. I can truly say having a child with a disability affects the whole family. Things are not the same after, ever again. You adapt to the new normal. I know we have adapted, grown, thrived and flourished. But I will feel better with that notch in my belt, knowing that all of my children can read.