About two years ago my dad and I were driving somewhere late at night and I was babbling something about "courtship". He was fairly silent up to this point, but then said, simply, "Well, you know, I'm not sure I believe in courtship."

I stared at him, speechless. But you've taught me all of my life that I'm going to save my heart for the man I marry, and that I will honor you and seek your counsel by insisting that any man that marries me has your prior permission and approval.

I had the good sense to say, "What do you mean by that?"

He responded, "Nicole, there are a lot of good men out there. Men who have perhaps never heard of the old-fashioned terms and who know little else than the traditional. These are men who would possibly never think of approaching me first, but would instead come straight to you in pursuit. Just because a man did that would not disqualify him from being interested in you. If a guy goes to you someday and asks you out or tells you that he wants to pursue a relationship with you, that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It could be that he had never heard of getting a pre-check from the dad."

I agreed, mostly because I knew that what he was saying was sound. But inside, I always thought, that might be true for some people. But it would never be true for me.

God has worked in my heart a lot in relationship to romantic things. When I was even fifteen and sixteen, I had some sort of opinion that if I wrote everything I was looking for in a spouse down on paper, God would somehow consider that the magic wand to getting me exactly what I wanted. True, I wouldn't have put it in those terms, but if you actually asked me about it, after I had read such stories as Jennie Chancey's, I felt confident that God would give me what I considered to be the perfect man for me. Not all of my conceptions were childish; I had a great list of things which included his various theological positions on things, his motivations in life, and a slew of character qualities which I wanted him to possess. (All good things, mind you.) I also added a few short things in which I hoped that we would feel romantically inclined towards one another, and that the marriage wouldn't be obligatory. It sounded nice, and you probably couldn't have pinpointed anything on the entire list that wasn't a good thing to hope for in a husband.

 

In the last few years, God has taken me through a bit of a "roller-coaster" with my thoughts on romance, prying from me certain things that I had been holding onto outside His will, and instilling in me new concepts and ideas that I hadn't considered before. Since I was young (probably eleven or twelve) I have always said that I would use "Courtship" as the means whereby I would get to the altar. To define courtship would have been a little difficult, but I think I can summarize it here---a guy would like me (hopefully without me knowing about his attention), he would go to my dad, my dad would provide a thorough process whereby he "evaluated" the young man, the young man would approach me with the possibility of getting to know me better, we would proceed with that, eventually fall in love, and he would marry me (hopefully all in a short matter of time). I didn't believe necessarily that any of those things were sacred or that the process whereby I would end up as a Mrs. So-and-so could be only fulfilled through courtship, but then again, I didn't see any viable alternatives to the exact way I had "planned" it out.

 

God has been teaching me a lot, I think--and hope--about such things especially in the last few months, through a variety of circumstances. The first came from a courtship of some family friends where the couple had met eachother at a youth function, had officially began courting several months later, and who had seemed to abide by every rule in the book. After awhile, I saw that their courtship was starting to put a "bad taste in my mouth" as their relationship seemed lifeless and so cautious that it seemed they had ruined any semblance of happiness (other than a superficial kind). The next came in discovering ylcf.org, where there were so many diverse stories with so much in common. And several other things happened after that wherein some couples did everything "right" and seemed to get in trouble, and other times when couples seemed to go against what I considered to be "proper" and yet were evidently blessed by God. I began thinking about the "status quo" in relationships...........and God began to work on my heart in a way that I had been unwilling to see before.

 

In short, here is what I think about relationships in general-------

First, I do know a few things, one of those being that it is a Biblical command to "keep [one's] heart". Defining that may be difficult, but we do know that it must be a priority, and therefore we should figure out what it is.

Second, I also know that I am commanded to honor those in authority over me. What "honor" is and what it isn't, I know that it, too, must be a priority, and therefore I should figure out what it is.

Third, the Bible says that marriage is permenant. Therefore, I want to know, going into it, that I am going into something I am willing to persist in for the rest of my life. And, I want to do my very best to try to make sure it is both God's will, and, practically speaking, something I will be happy in.

With those three, there is a theme--finding out God's will. Finding out how to keep one's heart. Finding out how to honor authorities. Just finding out in general! How does one "find out"? How does one guage what God's perspectives are in relationship to each of those questions?

I would venture to say that He reveals it through His spirit. Each person's romance will be different. No two stories will have the same ending. Rather, it's beautiful and healthy that we only have one primary goal in our marriages (and whatever stages lead up to marriage): obey the Lord. It is not a new concept for God to be revealing Himself to individuals, and there are only two states you can be in once he has done that: obedience, or disobedience. What he tells you to do, you do. That may be different for the neighbor down the street or the kid who sits behind you in church on Sundays. That, in fact, will be different for each person. But it is absolutely imperative for success.

Now, onto a bit more of practical issues....there are guidelines that one may set with himself or herself, to ensure accountability. Not just in relationship to marriage, or guy/girl relationships, but in every aspect of life (for instance, if someone has had a problem with alcohol, they may make a conscious decision to stay out of stores that keep it anywhere but behind the counter). I know that we all here believe in standards, and, while our standards may be different from one another, I think we all eventually have the same goal with our standard-setting----keeping accountable. If we obeyed God in each action, there would be no patterned "standard" that we set, because each action would be different. But we are imperfect human beings who struggle with things, and sometimes it can take a predetermined decision to keep us from erring in a given situation.

For me, I have three primary standards that I want to keep for myself; first, personal purity. I don't want to be emotionally entangled with anyone to the point where it distracts me from the Lord. I think people have been bantering over what emotional purity is, and I think that one of the ultimate tests of that, or at least the one that I prefer to use, is this--- does this distract me from serving the Lord? If you are too young to be entertaining such thoughts, or making such plans, the answer would probably be universally, 'Yes'. If you are, however, of marrying age this doesn't mean that you can't think of another person specially, or even perhaps single them out in your mind. But I've heard, and I agree with, an assessment of proper timing for marriage, namely, when both parties can serve the Lord better together than apart. Therefore, even any premarital interest that you have in the other person should spur you onto a closer relationship with Christ. For instance, if a young lady has particularly noticed a young man, the place that her attraction should draw her to is prayer. She should learn reliance, she should learn to be patient, and, most of all, she should learn to be satisfied that God will already do what is absolutely best in the situation. If she finds herself praying selfishly ( i.e. "Lord, please help him to be blinded to every girl but me!") or if she is neglecting prayer altogether (or perhaps finding herself thinking of him instead of what's on the page in front of her during her daily devotions), she knows that she has delved to a place that God wouldn't desire her to be. The second commandment is clear about that--God wants to be number one. Anything that userps Him as holding that title in your life (even after you are married) is unquestionably wrong.

Secondly (in my prior list of standards for myself), I want to allow the man to lead. In a relationship of such a gigantic proportion, (obviously the most important human relationship that a person should generally be in throughout their lives) it is imperative that each party does their part to ensure that God is being glorified. I think that the best way to start the relationship out on the right foot is for the woman to allow the man to initiate, and to lead. This does not in any way indicate a passive attitude. Rather, in much the same way that a wife would pray for an unbelieving husband, believing that her power is greater inside the will of God than outside, a woman can begin to practice the joyful submission that should characterize her wifehood....by letting the man take the first steps, by not assuming anything that he has not explicitly stated, and by not hog-tying him into something he perhaps wasn't ready to be in. This is a big one for girls especially because we often are more impulsive and usually have things figured out more quickly than our male counterparts, who perfer to take things at a slower pace (which in turn causes us to wish that we could just get in and make things happen). So, for me, one big step of mine is that the young man must initiate. I'm not going to try to attract his attention any more than I would walk up and propose. If he is to notice me, it will be through his own motivation alone (not to say that I try to avoid being notice, which I don't. But that I am "normal" all of the time, and when and if someone notices me, that is their issue, not mine. I don't go around asking for attention.)

The third, and final, standard that I set for myself is the issue of authority. Now, God established, from the beginning, three branches of authority, namely, the home, the church, and the law. When one is derelict in their responsibilities, God has created a balance of power to keep each branch in check. Before I go into honoring of my authorities in my choice of spouse, I first want to point out that not every situation is like mine. God has made it fairly easy for me to abide by clear-cut standards of honor and dishonor. But it is not always the same. Thankfully, God has provided all three branches as authority, and honoring the authority should (primarly) be able to be carried out by one means or another. I know that not many people on this forum, perhaps, have problems with this type of thing, but I will be very honest in saying that sometimes the situations those of us believe in as far as "parental approval" do not carry in every situation. There are some extreme situations which, while they should be taken as far as they possibly can in obedience, end in an other-than-fairytale manner. For instance, some young women who have been in cults and/or have had their marriages arranged through something of that nature have no choice but to appeal to the third branch of authority, namely, the law. There is no compulsory charge towards young women to obey anything that their parents or their church says in direct opposition to the word of God. Another, less extreme, situation would be in a time where parents disagreed with a girl's choice of spouse and church agreed, as well as law agreeing. In such a case, each person must do what God directs them to....but again, there is no going back on honor. Do it right the first time. If I want to marry a guy and my father cautions me against it, I will listen to him because I know that "The heart of a king is as rivers of water; [the Lord] directeth it withersoever he will." God speaks through parents, and always has. In fact, in the Bible there is a strong theme of reliance upon authorities (especially parents) and there are dozens of promises about how God blesses one who does honor their authority. In many situations, God waits just on the other side of compromise. Often, for instance, I have heard of parents who have voiced their cautions and had their children heed them, only to discover that it was a "test" from God in the relationship and that He eventually granted both the grace to deal with difficult things that the parents were doing, as well as the couple eventually being happily married and in their parents' will. Alternately, there have been some couples who have listened to their parents for a seemingly "perfect" person and, upon heeding their parents' counsel, have understood perhaps years or even tens of years later why their parents said what they said (optimally, the parents will have enough communication with their children to have specific resonings why they disagree with a certain person, but, even in the case of, say, unsaved parents, with no "resoning" behind their actions, the Lord does work through them). On the flip side, I have seen couples who have gone against their parents' wishes, only to their detriment, and have seen some things in their future spouse that they never saw coming, and that their parents could have advised them against. The rules about honoring authority are universal, and God does not offer any options but to heed them. However, there are some situations in which the young person must be wise as to what that exactly means; there are numerous situations in which alternate authorities must be consulted. Proverbs says that in the "multitude of counsellors is safety". When, say, a father has abandoned his family duties ( i.e. he is in prison, or has no ties to the family, etc.) often a young couple should search out the approval of their church family and/or trusted friends or relatives. God is faithful to direct in each situation.
Anyway, now with those disclaimers out of the way.........with me, it is imperative that my dad (or, in the case of something prohibiting that, an equivalent alternative authority figure) approves of the man I marry. If a guy asks me out, in fact, I generally will have this view---"Before I get to know you very well, why don't we see what my dad thinks of you; he's a guy, he's a great judge of character, and he wants the very best for me." Not the hardest of requests. My dad isn't an ogre waiting to sabotage my life. Instead, he strives to give me the very best, and time and again he has proven that he is worthy of evaluating situations and people better than I can. I don't necessarily consult him because I feel like I can't do it on my own, but then again, I do know that he provides a perspective that I really could never do on my own. He knows me well--he knows my ideosynchrosies, he knows my problems, and he knows what type of man I would work best with. He's also a guy, uninhibited by the romantics that would definitely be prevalent in any relationship I would be involved in, and thus has the potential to see anything that I'm missing. I also value the opinions of my brother Jay, and my family and church family. In general, I'm not just marrying a guy. I'm marrying his family. And he's not just marrying me, but he's becoming a part of my family. It's important that we all sense God's leading in whatever we are doing. My dad's protection isn't stifling. It's freeing. It will also free the young man to see how I will go about responding to his leadership--do I honor my dad even behind his back? If so, the young man will guess that I probably won't overstep his own authority as a woman later on in life. God has numerous promises to those who respect their authorities, and numerous problems facing those who don't, and I plan on being--for my sake and for God's--in the center of His will by obeying him in such an important matter.

So, basically, that's what I have decided to do. I have held onto numerous "standards" for the particulars of my relationship, most of which I have realized are unnecessary in the first place. I no longer hold onto big series of progressive lists about what will happen each step of my courtship. I know that God is bigger than a box, and that, generally, the only qualifications He has are ones that can take a million different scenarios and make them divinely appointed.

To recap, I want to be personally pure. (That includes the time that I'm in a romance, and, no, I don't exactly know what that means yet, but, God will probably not have any problems explaining once I get to that point). I want to be submissive. To let the guy lead. And I want to be under authority. I want to be willing to abide by the counsel of my parents and other authorities throughout my love story. And I don't want to box God in. I don't want to assume that everything in my story will read like a fairytale. I don't want to assume that it will be one way or another. I don't even want to put down lots of guidelines about the kind of person that I want to marry, or the rules that we will have during our courtship, or how long we believe that the relationship should take, or what its prerequisites are, or anything else that leads up to the aisle. Instead, I want to have this one goal in front of me: is God pleased? If I can answer that with satisfaction, I already know that I'm doing everything else right.

Nowadays, I no longer look at my dad in horror when he says that he maybe doesn't believe in courtship. Instead, I understand what he means--I understand that it is foolish to box God in with terms and rules. Instead, there is freedom in restricting ourselves to the ultimate standard, that of His perfection. He will direct. Even if my story surprises me with how it is carried out, I can rest assured that the God who has been guiding men and women for tens of centuries is still capable of doing so in the world we live in today. Whether my story is characterized by reserve or whether God chooses for it to be trademarked by freedom...that is His choice. All I know is that the requirement from me, now, is that I be willing to follow when He leads into it.

It can be hard to trust Him with the unknown. Sometimes making all sorts of rules seems easier, because we tend to think that God will follow our guidelines and grant us the perfect sequence that we have come up with. But it takes faith to believe that God wants to do beyond what we could ask or think. He wants to bless us with something that He has preordained for us.

The only rule, the only prerequisite, to a marriage according to His will, is, I daresay, childlike faith and simple obedience. Without them, no relationship with even the most perfect of rules can succeed. With them, God is faithful in showing you His rules....one by one, time and time again. Getting to the altar is not supposed to be done by following a rulebook. It's instead supposed to be done by following the Lord, through each step--easy and hard steps alike--into His perfect will.

It's a place that might not be like anything your expectations painted it to be, but it will be righteous, it will be holy, and it will be good.