Before: It rained all week during our camping trip.
After: The campsite was quickly turned to mud by the torrential downpours that continued throughout the whole week of our camping trip.
Before: Katie saw a scary sea creature at the aquarium.
After: Katie jumped back in terror and screamed when she saw the dark gray, slimy creature staring at her with bulgy eyes and opening its mouth to reveal rows of teeth as long as her fingers.
Before: As I entered the cave, I found the object of my seach- the lost treasure chest of the Ancients.
After: I slowly proceeded into the dark, dank cave. An overwhelming smell of dirt and stale water surrounded me. The only sounds were a farway, steady drip, drip, and bats fluttering on the ceiling. I shuddered and took another step forward. Suddenly I felt something slippery beneath my foot, and before I knew it I was flat on my back on the dirty, damp, hard floor of the cave. I reached a hand up to the back of my head, which had slammed into the rough wall when I fell, and felt a warm, sticky substance which I knew must be blood. As I blinked back tears from the pain which was throbbing through my head, I returned my hand to the ground and pushed myself into a sitting position. It was then that I felt a cold, round object under my hand. I pried it out of the dirt and grime and held it up. If only my lantern hadn't gone out earlier! Now all I could see with was a faint glimmer of light issuing from the entrance of the cave. Though I couldn't see the object very well, I grew excited. Instantly I was on my hands and knees, searching and feeling all around. Feeling the wall that I had hit my head on, something sharp jabbed into my hand and I realized it was a splinter. The "wall" wasn't a stone wall of the cave after all! I stifled a scream of pure joy. I had finally found the ancient treasure chest I had been looking for so long! I could tell by the feel of the damp wood that it had been here a long time. I quickly found the keyhole and inserted the long, awkward key I had found earlier on my adventure. Turning the key, the lock clicked and I slowly opened the lid, which let out a loud creak. I couldn't believe my eyes as I stared at the endless piles of treasure.
Comments
Mar. 1, 2008 - Lesson 7
Posted by skmarlow
First of all, I agree completely with your hesitation to use too many describing words. Indeed, there is nothing more boring than reading page after page of an author's description of a house or a valley or even a character! I believe the next lesson (or the one after that) deals with this exact subject---how to avoid "freezing the action" too long, and how to keep things moving.
You do not have that problem. You packed so much vivid word pictures into one sentence (in the first 2 examples) that I was amazed. Most students write at least a couple of sentences to get their point across, and that's fine, too. You were able to do it in one.
Nice job!
It does look like you had fun with the Treasure Chest paragraph. I noticed something different that I haven't seen in a lot of other work: you used a couple of the senses not usually used: smell and sound and touch. Most writers focus on sight; hardly any use taste. The more senses you can weave into the narrative (notice--weave--not "in your face") the more the reader feels like they are there. You did that very well here, and I enjoyed feeling that nasty, damp, dark cave. Good word pictures throughout.
I did notice a DEAD word or two, but because they are lightly sprinkled in and do not cause me to not be able to picture the scene, you can get away with it (I have to say that because I use dead words in my book, but in the same way you have). LOL
But you cut me off at the end!
"...as I stared at the endless piles of treasure..." is not as effective as, "...as I stared at hundreds of rubies, diamonds, gold coins, and other precious stones...."
I can "see" the treasure when you use specific words, and as long as you don't go on and on and on, it works fine to use specific nouns.
All in all, you really know how to SHOW and not TELL.
Edited by skmarlow on Mar. 1, 2008 at 8:35 PM