... I'm going to attach a blog from Ben Olin, lead singer of This Beautiful Republic. They just started a European tour today. They are also going to be at Knoxville Christian Center on 9/7/07. Anyway... thought this would generate a good laugh. It did for me.

Flight attendants and kindergarten teachers

The last 18 hours we've spent traveling we've had a really eventless trip. I got to sit in the emergency exit row on the flight to France so I got to stretch out and be a little bit more comfortable for the 8 hour, 45 minute flight. I've accumulated about 2 hours of sleep in the meantime.... impressive, eh? :) The thing that I thought was the most worth noting was not the Paris airport, the in-flight entertainment system, the disgusting in-flight food, or the amazingly cool weather in Sweden. It's the fact that I now believe all flight attendants are basically Kindergarten teachers that couldn't find work.

Seriously. They are exactly like a kindergarden teacher.

Think about it. The first person that you see on the plane is the flight attendant and what does she do? She tells you where to go and where to sit. Then she gets upset when you try to fit your huge bag into an area that she doesn't like and yells at you to put it somewhere else. She is genuinely annoyed by the fact that you can't figure it out and grabs the bag from you, forces it where she wants, but then smiles at you as she walks away to yell at someone else. So you sit in your seat and this same lady comes back to the front address the class in the nicest tone she has.

"Class? ...let me show you a few things about what we're going to do today. We're going to take off in one place and land in another. If something goes wrong, you can use your seat as a floatation device and if you can't breathe, these nice little masks will come down to pump air in your lungs. Oh yes, don't forget about the tracklighting that will illuminate to show you to the nearest exits. It's going to be such a great time today, are you excited?? I am too, so let's GO!!"

You take off and you're now convinced that she is bipolar. One second she is yanking a bag from you commanding you to sit down, buckle your seat belt, and turn your cell phone off because every plane in the world will crash if you have it on during the flight. The next, she's grabbing you a warm blanket and pillow and getting you ready for nap time. Immediately following the blanket and pillow, she pushes this cute cart down the aisle and politely asks you if she could get you a snack. Maybe some pretzels or crackers? A water or maybe even a cola? She's waiting on you and tending to your every need and comfort. You can almost hear the piano and strings begin to play softly in the background behind the lull of the engines and wind as you start to doze off.

But you can't doze off just yet. It seems the cola has triggered your body to know that new fluids have arrived and old ones may now exit. So, you unbuckle your seat belt, stand up and take three steps towards the lavatory away from the stewardess pushing her cute cart.

"HEY!! STOP!! You are **NOT** free to move about the cabin!!! The fasten seat belt sign is STILL ILLUMINATED!!! SIT DOWN young man!!" she yells to you as you freeze, petrified in the same way that only your mother or your kindergarten teacher could petrify you. You turn back to see if she's serious and as you turn, you see the a face unlike any other face. A face that screamed louder than her mouth was shouting. If you were crystal, it would shatter you with it's energy. The left eye filled with annoyance, the right, frustration. A hair-do that was once perfect and hair-sprayed to never move again, now says: high-strung. Her lips curled out of sheer agitation, and her cheeks, for the first time in the history of man, contributed to her look of doom by adding tension to the boiling pot. You slowly move back to your seat as if you are being hunted by a T-Rex. Maybe she won't see you if you don't move fast. But she does. Her annoyed and frustrated eyes follow your every slow movement back; they even wait longer to burn through the back of your head until the click of your seat belt is heard. You have no need for the bathroom now. Your new pair of jeans suited just fine. You glance back casually as if looking for someone else, but really looking to see if she has removed her gaze yet. She has not, but knowing that she has paralyzed you back to kindergarden-type behavior pacifies her and she moves on with her duties. Almost immediately you can hear,

"Miss? Could I have more coffee?"

"Of course you can dear," she says in the same tone as Julie Andrews would. Appalled, you turn to look at her again, amazed at how quickly the bipolar transformation could happen. She senses it and swiftly looks back your way with a glare and half of a grin, as if to say, "You want some of THIS?? ....just wait until recess. I'm going to get the bully to pick on you so I don't get fired." You shutter and stare wide-eyed straight ahead.

You land. Whew, another day of kindergarden is finished.

You know the feeling when you had an argument with someone at school during the day and then the last school bell rings and everything goes back to buddy-buddy? This happens on the plane too. Not only is she going to make sure that she thanks you for flying, she's going to offer to direct you to your connecting flight, and smile as if to say, "I'm trying to make you think I'm sorry.... but I'm not TRULY sorry."

You scurry away and search frantically for the bus or your Mom to take you home.

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