Last night, I sat thru the most difficult session of "Growing Kids God's Way" for me, personally. Not that the content is difficult. I don't have a problem with holding my kids, giving them hugs and kisses, or saying "I love you" to them. The problem for me is the memories it always brings up.

My parents divorced when I was 5, and shortly thereafter my dad remarried. I've blocked alot of the memories out, but I do know that I blamed his wife for my dad moving out of my house. (honestly, I don't know if anything was going on there or not, even to this day.) From what I've been told, I was pretty ugly to her when I went to visit. I do remember a time in junior high that she told my dad that she was going to leave while I was there and come back after I left (2 months over summer vacation!!!)

Needless to say, my dad and I didn't have a close relationship. He lived on the other side of the country and I only saw him during summer vacation. I would fly across the country to visit and would spend the whole day by myself while he was at work. When he would come home, we would eat dinner and watch some movie together (he had, and still has, a huge movie collection).

The weekends were sometimes different. The hard thing was that he lived on a farm. We did things together like bailing hay, cleaning out barns, etc. Not that doing these things was bad, they just weren't quality time that we could talk about life. He would be on the tractor bailing hay while I wasdriving a different tractor doing something else. We were together, but apart. I would have given anything to go outside and just kick the soccer ball around, or to play catch with the football.

What hit me the most last night, was when the instructor talked about loving on your kids and letting them know that you, as the father, were proud of them. I didn't get either of that as a kid. I remember being a starter on a state championship contender basketball team and being told, "You'll never be in the NBA." I remember being an all-state track athlete and being told, "You'll never be in the Olympics." Both of the statements, of course, were true. But they still hurt and tear at me as a 32 year old adult.

I heard for the first time I can recall these words from my dad. "I'm proud of you, Mike." I was telling him about the possibility of getting a new job at Oak Ridge. I cried after I hung up the phone. I've needed to hear those words from him for as long as I can remember.

I have been trying for a long time to be able to tell my dad that I love him. Sounds like a simple thing, but for me, it's not. It's not that I don't love him (I do, VERY much). It's that I'm scared about what the response will be. I haven't verbalized it out loud yet, but I did do it in an e-mail this summer (baby steps.) Here was his response.

Thank you, and I hope you have always known that I love you too!

Happy belated Fathers Day to you!!!

Love,

Dad  

This is not a pity party for Mike; I'm ok. This is just a reminder to you dads to love on your kids with everything that is in you!!! Sometimes, it's hard. Believe me, I know. But taking the time will be life-changing for your children.

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Comments

Oct. 18, 2007 - Untitled Comment

Posted by partyoffive

What I was thinking during GKGW last night was, "I am so thankful to have such an awesome husband who is such an awesome father to my kids." And you had no example. You are a great dad, and our kids love you so much. While I will never understand your dad and your relationship with him, I do know he loves you, and you two have come so far these last few years. And I am so proud of you for getting the new job!! Yippee!!

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Oct. 18, 2007 - Untitled Comment

Posted by SmallWorld

I think that particular session is probably the most emotionally draining. I would think that, as fathers, the guys would feel such a weight of responsibility. And I think it also really makes all of us realize that significance of good parenting--and the results of not-so-good.

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May. 21, 2009 - reading your blog

Posted by Anonymous

Thank you for sharing from your heart how you felt about your parents divorce and the void you have from it. My parents divorced when I was a baby. Dad left and never looked back. I met him when I was 18 and angry with him. He died when I was 24. Our times together were uncomfortable and distant. I never felt connected. Now I am a "step monster" as my step son has called me. It breaks my heart to watch his dad try to connect and fall short sometimes. The distance and not living together really make the awkwardness almost touchable. I am praying for him and you to have those much needed talks and connect on a heart level. Your dad is as hurt by not being there moment to moment for you and you have been by his absence. Peace joy and love be yours.

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