I haven't blogged here for quite awhile. My second oldest son had a major surgery last week, and I have been focused on preparing my family for that. His procedure was a craniotomy/craniectomy with benign tumor resection and craniofacial reconstruction. To put it more simply--- he had a benign tumor removed from his skull!

We had to wait six months for this procedure, and it was pretty scary knowing that part of his skull was going to have to be removed for them to take out the tumor. It all ended well, though, and we have been amazed at his recovery. Just one week later, he has been out walking, shot a few baskets, and has even offered to help with the chores. He looks completely normal as though nothing happened. I have to dig around in his hair in order to show people the scar that literally goes from one ear to the other. The neurosurgeon didn't want to shave off all his hair, so she carefully shaved a thin strip from ear to ear in a pattern that is easily covered by his remaining hair. Everyone was amazed to see how normal he looks. His eyes are still read and puffy, but otherwise, you would never know.

I have a blog on www.caringbridge.org  and if you'd like to read more, type in nathanmull

We are now adjusting to being home again. My two youngest have returned home, but my three middles are still with their aunt having a great time with their cousins. Matt and Beth have kept me on my toes, not having the three middles to help me watch them.

Yesterday was my birthday, and I am pretty happy to have my son home, healthy and strong. That is a great birthday present!

Well, it is getting late, and I need to get to bed, but wanted to write a short blog for today. I have been having such a difficult time with fatigue. Ever since my miscarriage in November, I've never really been back to normal in that particular area. I know I need to exercise, but I'm a bit limited right now. And way too tired to be motivated.

This week was kind of crazy for homeschooling. It seems we had something going on almost everyday. We were supposed to have something going on last night and homeschool co-op today, but we got hit with a snowstorm last night, so that did bring us to a grinding halt. You'd think we would've got more done today, but I felt too distracted and restless. My kids did get all their assignments done, but the house is a mess. Hopefully, since tomorrow is a Saturday, maybe I can get caught up.

My emotions seem more level today. That is a good thing. The last couple of weeks were really difficult. Maybe things are finally getting better.... more stable.

Today was just one of those days....... I woke up with my sinuses hurting. My dh is sick with flu-like symptoms, so I 'm trying to fight the same and I really don't feel like I have time to be sick. My house looked like it was turned over and shaken. Little housework was done over the weekend, esp. Sunday, as my dh and I were both so tired.

It took me all morning to get really focused. I got the upstairs straightened up. I asked the kids to take care of their room, and they did..... to a point...... I got the kitchen straightened up, but also needed to get the laundry done with the *broken* washer. It broke a few weeks ago when the power went out while I was doing a load. Basically, it fills with water, but doesn't want to stop. Then, trying to get it to agitate was nearly impossible. It would just spin out. Thankfully, I worked with it and experimented enough that I found a way to consistently get it to agitate. I just have to make sure it doesn't overfill. My kids were literally bouncing off the walls. I should've sent them outside, but I had this crazy idea that they would do some school work.

I finally gave them assignments to work on the living room which was also a mess so I could finish the many little cleaning jobs I had started including dishes, laundry, sweeping the kitchen floor, and cleaning the downstairs bathroom. My oldest actually volunteered to wash the dishes for me, so you can bet I went for that! I was struggling all day long with the feeling that this was all just too hard. I wanted to cry and felt a great deal of anxiety all day long. It was frustrating. I don't think my life should be this hard. I don't mean that I think I should have an easy life. I mean, by comparison to many people, my life IS easy.....so why does it feel so hard? When I think of all the really poor or really sick people in the world who would love to have my life, I feel so frustrated with my own whining.

We finally got lunch underway, and I had to start over with cleaning the kitchen. I then decided to read aloud to my kids so we could finish our "Lewis & Clark" story. Side note: They have really enjoyed learning about Lewis & Clark. We had read a biography called Sacajawea first, then read the story Naya Nuki, while also reading Lewis & Clark's Expedition. They love the Naya Nuki story the best. Naya Nuki was a Shoshone Indian who was Sacajawea's friend and was kidnapped with her by a warring tribe ( the Minatares, I believe.) Naya Nuki was only 11 years old, but had been trained well and she plotted and planned for months to escape and return to her people. She paid close attention to her surroundings and made sure she memorized everything she saw so she could find her way home. When she escaped, she had to walk miles and miles to find her people. I believe it took her over a month to get to them, and she basically had to walk across part of N. Dakota and all of Montana to get to them, including going through mountains in the winter. It is a very exciting story, and we were pretty happy with the ending..... the fact that it is based on a true story makes it all the more interesting.

Tomorrow, we are going to look at some pictures from a book called Children of the Wild West, and I am going to read some selected passages from Snowbound: The Tragic Story of the Donner Party. One of the things I love best about hsing is that I get to learn stuff I never learned when I was in school. The Donner Party is mentioned in tv shows and movies from time to time, often as part of a joke, but if you don't know what is behind the story, how are you supposed to understand?

Anyway, I read the final 2 chapters of The Lewis & Clark Expedition" and then had to immediately take a nap. Anyone else feel that way after reading outloud? I always do, but today, I was particularly tired. I only napped a short time, but felt a lot better afterwards. I'm glad I napped because a little while later, I found out that my DRYER is now broken, too! It wasn't enough to have a broken washer, I guess!

At first, I felt panicky, but after I thought and prayed about it, it actually started to make me laugh a little. We have had so many things break lately:  Our computer chair is broken. I have to carefully balance myself on it to keep from tumbling over sideways or backwards. Our sofa sleeper is broken. My son sleeps on the sofa bed, but kept sleeping on the head part next to the couch. He put undue stress on the rivets that held that section of the bed, and they broke off. Now, he has to sleep on the couch itself! Already have a broken washer, now a broken dryer, and my dishwasher has been broken for months. The utility room roof is leaking like a sieve! Thankfully, it has been a few days since we last had rain, but everytime it does, I wonder how much damage is being done to it.

So, really, when the dryer broke, it was very stressful.....afterall, we do laundry everyday..... we have 9 people living here! But, then I started thinking of women washing their families clothing on a rock, scrubbing it in a creek of some sort. Ok. It could be worse.

I started thinking about how much easier it has been for me to let go of "prized possessions" as bouncing balls have knocked them over and shattered them, or children trying to be helpful, break a favorite dish or drop and shatter a drinking glass. Ok, I am learning to let go of these things, yet..... it is a lot harder for me to let go of my appliances. These are my helpers! I am really nervous about how to keep up with my responsibilities if I don't have fully functioning appliances to help me do the work.

As I pondered this, one of my kids asked me, "Mom, did you know the vacuum is broken?" I sighed. Yes, it is broken, but it still works. It just won't lock into position if you try to stand it up. You know... you just want to ask "what else?" but you know you better not ask.

I explained the dryer situation to my dh when he got home. He took the remaining three loads of laundry to the laundromat for me, missing his supper in the process. Did I mention he is also recovering from the flu? He is my hero today.

 While talking to him about my day, and getting supper on the table, I reached into a container where I keep my glass pots and pans, and immediately heard a shattering sound. "Oh, no!" It was a large glass casserole dish that we received as a wedding gift over 20 years ago. It was one we used quite a bit and we both really liked it. It was painful to realize we had to throw it away. I laughed, though, because I had just been thinking about how much easier it is now to let go of my possessions. I started singing, "Zippity-do-dah, Zippity-ay....etc....."

It has just been one of those days!

Trying to remember to blog daily isn't all that easy when you already have so much to do. Yesterday, Sunday, I had to take all the kids to church myself because my husband was sick with a virus. My older kids are good helpers, so it wasn't too bad, really. The trouble was, I only had four hours of sleep Saturday night. I was so tired, at one point, I felt myself nodding off during the sermon and I honestly thought I nearly fell off my chair. I don't think anyone else saw me. Talk about embarrassing! I didn't want to get up and walk around in the hallway, though, because I didn't want to miss any of it. It was a very good sermon.

Tony is ok today, but we were all very tired yesterday after church. I drank some herbal tea and took some Airborne, and thought I would take a nap. However, I laid in bed for two hours and could not sleep at all! I think I had a reaction to something. My heart was just pounding and my resting heartrate was 90! Eventually, I got up and felt rested enough to get back to my family, but I don't think I ever did sleep. Weird.

I am working on my SWR (Spell to Write & Read,) and I feel that I will be able to begin teaching my kids this new program pretty soon. I talked with my husband last night, and we had an idea. I'm going to teach him a few lessons first. This way, I will know better how to teach my kids, get a chance to work out some kinks with my dh who is more patient than my kids, and he will also benefit from knowing what we will be working on. He was impressed with the materials I have already been working on and have gathered together. I hope I can make this work, as I really believe this program will be a good one for us.

These last few weeks have been extremely hard. I feel mostly recovered from the miscarriage. I still cry occasionally over that, but it is not quite as painful now. However, there have been SO many other things to cry about lately. The pressure on me has been incredible. It is like carrying the weight of the world.

It is hard to explain what has been so hard about this last year, as most people wouldn't fully understand. 2007 was definitely a year to remember, and was the hardest year I believe I've ever been through. Having a miscarriage right at the end of it just topped it off. I would like to think 2008 is going to be better, but now I have my son's surgery to look forward to in April.

My son, Nathan, 16yo has a benign tumor in his skull that originates in his sinuses and goes up into his forehead. He has a bump on his forehead that is the size of half a golfball. The surgery to remove this tumor will be extensive and serious, removing part of his skull to do so. I'm trying to plan for this, but it is hard not to become emotional over it.

I decided that I want to try to keep a better blog during this time, so I am going to try to blog a little differently for awhile. I tend to write long blogs, which take up too much of my time. I'm going to try to keep shorter blogs so I can be more consistent. So, in a sense, I'm starting over with this blog.........

As I have been recovering from my miscarriage, lots of different questions have gone through my head. I thought about how difficult it is for ME to reach out at times to others who are going through pain and loss. It is very easy to react and feel hurt and helpless when we are the ones in pain, but there is just something in all of us that wants to avoid it in others. I think that it is something that the Lord can change in us when He gives us compassion for others so we can be the ones to reach out, but I don't think it comes naturally to most of us.

Anyway, I wrote a poem that I felt really expressed the painful feelings of being avoided, but in the end, it caused me to look at myself and think about my own actions towards others. Maybe it would be beneficial for others to read and think about it too.

How am I Doing? 

Well, November is finally over. It seemed like a very long month....... I don't know why this last m/c had to happen in November again, but in some ways, it does make it easier to have one really difficult month and not have several difficult times of the year spread out.

Last week was the hardest...... hormones were magnifying the grief so that it was almost unbearable, but finally, I began my first cycle since the m/c. Unfortunately, it was on the same day as the anniversary of my m/c 5 yrs. ago, and also the same day that my friend had an ultrasound for her new baby. I was glad for my friend, but it was a bit overwhelming for me.

The crying is good when I can finally release it, but most of the time, it is hard for me to feel like I can release it. My kids are around almost all the time, and I seem to not be alone much. Even when I am alone in a room, I feel like I have to be very quiet in my grief so they don't hear.

The agony is so painful at times, and I think the hardest part is when you look around and see that the rest of the world is moving on, totally oblivious to the fact that your own world has come to a screeching halt.

Miscarriage grief has it's own flavor, in that, not only do many people not realize you are still in pain, some people don't think you should be. Somehow, they think it is easier to miscarry than to go through other losses. While on one hand, I would agree, it isn't quite the same as other losses, on the other hand, it is still a loss and the grief is just as intense. 

Besides having to deal with the loss of a child, there are also pregnancy milestones that continue even though there is no pregnancy. This week, I would've been 14 weeks, and I would've been anticipating within the next couple weeks, feeling the baby move. Several of my children I have felt kick at 15 weeks. Because I've experienced successful pregnancies and know what the little kicks feel like, I do sometimes have "phantom movement." Probably not as much as women who lose their babies later in a pregnancy, but I do have it, and never know when it will hit.

By Christmas, I would've been getting ready to have an ultrasound soon, and we had already planned on including the baby in our children's gift exchange. It was hard having to "reassign" the child who was going to buy the baby's gift and for the child who was to receive from the baby. I have been pregnant for all my children through Christmas, and it is a special time to have a new life within. Everything about Christmas reminds you of babies.

I know just after New Year's, I would've been at the *halfway point.* And, in the spring.... well.... comes the due date.... those milestones, and others, do not stop just because the pregnancy does. Even if I tried to deny it, it would still be there, glaring at me as each one ticked by. More than likely, these will not be something that anyone else in the world will even think of as they happen.

I read an interesting quote today:

Gary Haugen : "When disaster happens, I've ceased to ask 'Where is God?' and begun to ask 'Where are God's people?'"

I don't know who this Gary Haugen is, but I can relate to this question so well. Through everything, God has been so close to me. It is hard, though, when people, and especially God's people, think that you should be done with grieving..... or that their part in it is over...... within only 1-2 weeks after. I don't want to be a hypocrit, and I know that this has been true even of myself. I can't figure out what it is about our human nature that makes us want to believe that a person suffering a loss needs to have "space" and "time alone." Or that they don't need any help? We don't even want to ask, "How are you doing?" in case the person will actually tell us and we might not know how to respond.

Thankfully, this morning, I had a different experience. This past week was SO hard.... probably the worst week since the actual m/c, and I wondered, when I went to church if someone would ask me how I was doing...... I kept rehearsing how I should respond if someone did......

I saw many people this morning, some close friends, some acquaintances. Only one person actually asked me how I was doing. She asked as she walked by, and I said, "Ok," since she was continuing on her way. She apparently had something to take care of, but then quickly returned, sat down, and said, "So, are you really ok, or is that just an easy answer as someone walks by?"

"Well," I told her, "It's the short answer."

I explained my week, and she listened and commented about her own experiences with m/c. Even though, the conversation was very short, I was so blessed by her asking me how I was doing, and more importantly, asking for the the truth. I didn't know if anyone would do the first, and I was sure no one would ask the for the second.

Grief is lonely, and m/c grief is extremely lonely..... even in my family, my dh and dc cannot really relate to me and my loss. They have had their own loss, to be sure, as well as their own grief. For them, it is just different. I have all the physiological issues in addition to the emotional issues. It is hard to feel sane when your hormones change and create an unstable environment in your own soul where you are trying to make everyday decisions. Everything is harder right now........ everything........

I asked the Father why it has to be this way, and if He really understood the loneliness in grief. I'm being honest here......I wasn't sure at first. I mean, Jesus was always bringing people back to life, no real need to grieve. I mean, yes, in John 11:35, He wept, but I don't really think it was grief over Lazarus' death, but over the grief He saw in the others. I think He was angry with death..... real angry, but did He understand grief? That was my question........

As I thought and prayed about this, He immediately brought to mind Jesus on the cross, calling out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" I cried as I realized He really did understand.... not just the grief, but the loneliness, too. Even in the loneliness, we are truly NOT alone.

So, we plod along.... working through the grief. Every now and then, someone remembers and blesses us, but for the most part, it is our Heavenly Father who holds our hands and shows us the way.