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Country Homeschool in the City
Jul. 5, 2009
Unloved
I think my whole life I felt somewhat unloved. I knew I was loved by my mother but there's something about being abandoned by a parent, knowing that they are ever so close but refuse to support or even see you, does something to one's sense of self.
Well, at the age of 35 I'm finally realizing the depth of the love my family has felt for me! My uncle pulled some of his trademark yuckiness after my great Uncle Pat died. He chose to call me and rant about my grandparents (grandma and step grandpa that I have always called Uncle Bernie). I dismissed his comments as they seemed quite unlikely and I'm aware that my uncle is a trouble maker. Well, my grandparents were devastated that he spoke to me that way about them. My Grandma even called me and we've never had such a serious family talk before. She wanted to make sure I did not believe that my Uncle Bernie could do those things and apparently the thought that I'd believe those things was the most upsetting part to my Uncle Bernie. I assured her that there was no way I could believe that my Uncle Bernie would be the least bit dishonest and she was relieved. Apparently this came up again when my mom and dad went to see my grandparents and have lunch with them. My Uncle Bernie talked about how he'd been around since I was a toddler. I don't have any memory of a time without him.
And that's when I knew how loved I was. That it would even matter what I thought of him. That my Grandma would even worry to clear it up. Who I am matters and they love me.
My Grandma had told me a few years ago that she always thought of me as her last baby. I was surprised - never had guessed. And she's mentioned that lately too. I try to call her more often to cheer her, especially now that I feel a role beyond just a granddaughter.
I have mentioned this to my mom and, like she said, I was always loved - just had that huge shadow that hung over me. I would like to be rid of that shadow fully. I don't know if I ever will but perhaps these are all the steps to healing a gaping sore that festered all these years.
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