|
This past week was the week that we "lost" our baby last year. I took a day to try and reflect. Life here goes so fast! I didn't slow down enough, but I did have a chance to read John MacArthur's sermon on infant death at www.gracetoyou.org. So comforting. My eldest had asked how I knew the baby was in heaven and I had a difficult time opening up the Bible and finding such a verse. After reading part one of Do babies go to heaven? I felt comforted, not that the baby was in heaven, but that he or she had escaped suffering here on earth. I had focused so much on the "why" of the event-Did I not want the baby enough? Was it too much for our family? Had there been something wrong with the baby? Did I not pray enough? And then, the children would remind me at times, "If the baby had lived, he would be...." So I would stop to wonder. I would be sad, feel guilty and angry at myself and wonder. So, John's sermon brought home to me that the baby missed the suffering here on earth. Yes, there is joy here and happiness but there can also be suffering and pain. For a moment I felt at peace. Then I turned on the radio and a song brought me right back to the place of mourning. Oh-that my heart would be where God's heart is. That I would be willing and joyful to accept another life, if that was His will, or that I would be willing and joyful to accept that the 3 I have here on earth are the only 3 that I will raise. Peace. Mamma's body is getting old! I hope that I communicate in my words and deeds to my daughters that children are blessings and a high calling. I know that when we found out about number 4 I knew that many would not rejoice with us. Well, I have a house to clean, a menu to plan, a shopping list to make and lesson plans to peruse. |
|
Hold me accountable.... God has placed on my heart to write a book for children about grieving the loss of an unborn sibling. I just need to sit down and write.... |
|
Well, I have narrowed by job search down to Lactation Consultant. The big test is only held once a year in July so once dh gets a steady job and the kids are older I will start that path. Meanwhile, I have a feeling I'll be co-teaching children's classes at church. My oldest, age 9, is very interested in non-children topics. Story of his life. We attended a Spiritual Gifts class. It was fascinating to him. Honestly I tried to just take the class lightly, as he is 9, but he is very interested and would like more children to know the information. He feels that it will help give them purpose in life. So many children, he feels, don't feel that they have a purpose here on earth. On that note, thank you Henry Winkler for writing Hank Zipzer books. My son doesn't struggle with learning but the way you write he feels so understood. For those of you with children with "learning challenges" (he calls them) or have dyslexia you must get these books! You can pray for dh. He is beginning a long process for a job. It would be a good job, he could work from home, and he is very good at it. Three interviews to go.... Need encouragement? www.baysideonline.com our pastor Ray Johnston is preaching on the New Testament. We are in John. Next week, Acts. |
|
Now at 21 months of unemployment (husband's), beginning year 3 of my full-time employment I find myself at a crossroads. Things could pick up for my husband. I haven't seen anything myself that looks promising. So, should I remain as a teacher in public education? Sometimes I see an opening at a regular high school. Okay hours, 8am to 2:30pm. If the kids are at home I can still make it to practices after school. But, if he were to get a job mid-year, then what? Find a nanny? So, today I thought of the following jobs: lactation consultant (at least $3000 of schooling), high school counselor (2 years of school, lots of money), school psychologist (even more money and school), masters in a discipline that would allow me to teach at a JC, public school administrator. Catholic school teacher wouldn't be bad, just difficult to find. Private Christian school teacher, a possibility, but I haven't found a school year where the kids and I both would like to be. Continue to look for at home work? Of course God is faithful. This avenue has only yielded $500 on a good month-which is great on a part-time basis but not to feed and support a family in California. I know that I can be a GREAT worker, when the kids aren't at home and I'm trying to educate them and train them (because a Christian mom's job is to train them in the Word, right?). However, I know that I am less than my best outside of the home working when it's more than 12 hours a week. And $1200 a month just doesn't cover the mortgage. I would love any ideas that you have. I am daily conflicted about my role as a Christian wife and mother. How do I encourage my husband? Everything that I say is not understood. Life may look good but I feel like I sacrifice something every day. At what point does the unemployment turn into early retirement? I pray that my health stays good! |
|
Tuesday I met evil. Humans who proclaim they know God, attend church on Sundays and then harm and mistreat other human beings and lie and cheat are more difficult for me to deal with than criminals. I had a friend that was a convicted murderer. My students always love to hear me talk about him. He did commit a murder and serve time, but during that time he fell in love with Jesus and God transformed him. The Holy Spirit just poured out of him. We met when we served the homeless people late on Friday nights in Berkeley, California. Now, we met many people who didn't know Jesus and some who did very bad things. Yet, I would much prefer to spend days with sinners than the evil people who double-speak. Enough about the bad things this week and how they greatly impacted my family. Now on to the good and God. I mentioned to an acquaintance what the financial repercussion would be from this evil person. She went out on a limb and looked for work for me. I was speechless. I had gone from the situation with the evil person nearly begging for work to having someone go and help me. Truly amazed. A few times in the past 9 years I feel like I have understood what the paralytic must have felt like when his friends opened up the roof and dropped him in to see Jesus. The people who have carried my stretcher were people that I could always see the Holy Spirit working in, but humanly I never expected that they would choose to come, pick up my stretcher and help me. One of the reasons that we continue to homeschool day after day is that I find more stretcher bearers in the homeschooling community. So, openly I would like to praise God tonight. Thank you for my stretcher-bearers. Help me to practice my faith when I meet evil again tomorrow. Comfort my child while I am away. Amen. |