This past week was the week that we "lost" our baby last year.  I took a day to try and reflect.  Life here goes so fast!  I didn't slow down enough, but I did have a chance to read John MacArthur's sermon on infant death at www.gracetoyou.org.  So comforting.    My eldest had asked how I knew the baby was in heaven and I had a difficult time opening up the Bible and finding such a verse.

After reading part one of Do babies go to heaven? I felt comforted, not that the baby was in heaven, but that he or she had escaped suffering here on earth.  I had focused so much on the "why" of the event-Did I not want the baby enough? Was it too much for our family? Had there been something wrong with the baby? Did I not pray enough?  And then, the children would remind me at times, "If the baby had lived, he would be...." So I would stop to wonder.  I would be sad, feel guilty and angry at myself and wonder.

So, John's sermon brought home to me that the baby missed the suffering here on earth.  Yes, there is joy here and happiness but there can also be suffering and pain.  For a moment I felt at peace. 

Then I turned on the radio and a song brought me right back to the place of mourning.  Oh-that my heart would be where God's heart is.  That I would be willing and joyful to accept another life, if that was His will, or that I would be willing and joyful to accept that the 3 I have here on earth are the only 3 that I will raise.  Peace.  Mamma's body is getting old!   I hope that I communicate in my words and deeds to my daughters that children are blessings and a high calling.  I know that when we found out about number 4 I knew that many would not rejoice with us.

Well, I have a house to clean, a menu to plan, a shopping list to make and lesson plans to peruse.

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