Do you ever have one of those days where you're sure that Abba is trying to tell you something but you're just not getting it? *sigh* Yesterday was one of those days.

The day before the weather was beautiful and warm! I had all the windows open to air out the stale winter air. Of course, 50* isn't really that warm but it was warm enough! I was able to get caught up enough to clean up the windows in the basement - which I'm ashamed to say I hadn't cleaned since we moved into the house two years ago. There was still drywall mud and concrete splattered on the windows, not to mention the regular mud and other construction crud. What a HUGE difference that made! I was really looking forward to using the treadmill in the basement (I walk a little over a mile a day) the next day to see out the clean windows, just to see what it looks like out there. Miriam and Shalom were out helping DH get the sheep barn finished, and it looks beautiful. It was just a great day - a day that I sung His praises all day long. And I had weighed myself and had noticed that I have lost several pounds in my 'quest' to loose some of my hindquarters and get a little more healthy. Beautiful!

Then yesterday hit. Miriam (age 13) flew out of the house first thing in the morning after looking out the window and seeing 'something'. Turned out that the sick ewe had lambed, and the lamb was alive! What a miracle! (and it was cold outside!) This ewe had been toxic for about two weeks and we didn't expect the lambs to survive, we weren't even sure the ewe would survive. This is a first time mom and she's been very ill so we felt we needed to keep a close eye on her. We noticed that Eliezer's (age 15) only ewe was lambing as well so we stayed in the field, Miriam and I, to keep watch. It should have been 30 minutes or so from the time we saw the second ewe enter the second phase of labor before we saw any lambs. She was pushing very hard and in a lot of pain with no progress. We called the vet - whose secretary asked "How will you be paying for the visit today?". When I heard that this was the line of questioning that Miriam was getting I told her to tell them "Look, this is an emergency. Is it possible to have a vet call or come out?" That was about 3 and a half hours before any vet was able to come. (I even called another vet outfit in the area and told both of them "The first one here gets the money. I'm desperate, do you understand?") Anyway, in our wait for a vet to come help her I had done a manual exam and found that something was terribly wrong - horribly wrong. But not being a vet and not having much experience playing with the insides of birthing ewes, I didn't know what. I kept praying and telling Miriam to pray - that's all we could do. Eliezer wasn't home and if he had been, he'd have been climbing the walls in terror. His life has been so rough in some areas and this would strike a fatal blow to a lot of areas of his life, I fear.

To make a long story short, his ewe died. The uterus had ruptured at the top at some point, we think it may have started a week or two ago, and the cervix tore off of the uterus (explaining why it felt so wrong inside). The first lamb was breech and upside down, with his lower back presenting first, so the force of his little body against her cervix ripped it off. Can you imagine? By the time the vet got here he had a hard time making sense of what was going on inside but he felt no movement of any of the lambs - they were all dead. Not only that, there was no way he could get the lambs out to be absolutely sure. Still, no movement shows a huge problem and a total of 5 hours in hard labor is bad news for them too. We had to put the ewe down due to her internal damage. Miriam just cried and cried as she held Eliezer's prize ewe. DH stood and watched with great big tears in his eyes too - we all knew the impact this would have on Eliezer. *sigh*

In the meantime, Miriam's ewe that had lambed gave birth to another one but this one was stillborn. That was a very disturbing thing for her and Shalom as they were the ones "attending" her. She wouldn't let the living lamb suck, being so tender and all, so the two kids were milking her by hand and bottle feeding the little ram lamb.

While all of this was going on, DH went to rent a bobcat to get some dirt work done for his parents, who live in an in-law suite next to us. He is building them a garage. On his way down the drieway one of the rear tires blew out - a hole the size of a large grapefruit. The "BANG" was rather loud. So DH spent the day not working on his parent's place but getting this tire replaced (how else do you return equipment when you can't tow it?) and helping Miriam and I with the ewe when we needed it. He had just taken Reuven (age 10) and Shmuella (age 8) to school, which was a wonderful blessing that they didn't have to be home to experience the same day we did. But then that evening BIL came over just after dark and started telling DH how stupid he is for doing what he's doing and that it's not even worth FIL/MIL having a garage if it can't be a certain way (it is this way because of the county zoning department - nothing we can do). There's nothing like your brother-in-law of 25 years and 'best friend' to come and kick you while you're down.

What a day, huh? When Eliezer got home he was devastated. All I kept saying is that "Yah works all things together for the good of those who love Him are called according to His purpose. Somehow there will come good from this, even though I just can't see it right now. For some reason this was allowed to happen to grow good things in us." Still, I really hate this.

You see, if this were the first time that might be okay. But it's not. Last year a very similar thing happened with Miriam's first lambing ewe. She lambed quads and then three days later died. Turns out she had a ruptured uterus too and slowly bled to death. We never knew. When I asked the vet how common this is, he said it was very rare and even more rare to have it happen twice in a row. Considering the size of their flock, it's astronomical that it'd happen again. Is it a rite of passage for our kids to have their first birthing animals die? It isn't comforting to hear that the odds are seriously stacked against them for this to happen like it did. But it brings a glimmer of comfort to know that it's not likely to happen to the remaining ewes left to lamb this year. Still, there has not been ONE successful lambing here at our place for our kids - ever.

The sun never came out yesterday - it was overcast and cold all day long. DH had to work till 9:00 at his parent's place to get the work done that he had planned on getting finished before noon. Nobody ever ate breakfast (except the two who went to school) or lunch, and dinner was just leftovers from the fridge. All we accomplished yesterday was Bible reading before bed, when DH came inside. Poor Shalom was outside helping DH by carrying dirt in the tractor and dumping it for him and crashed (at dusk) into a post, ruining a gate and fence line. After that he just parked the tractor and came in to sit by me and cry. It was more than he could take in one day.

But in every day there has to be blessings, right? So let me list the few (though some are huge). Miriam was devastated for her brother so after he was able to digest what had just happened to him and his prize ewe, Miriam told him that he could have her ewe that just lambed and the little lamb. She was giving it to him because "I don't want to see you lose everything." Wow. What a sister! She told him that he could sell her later on and get a better ewe too and that the ram lamb is his to do whatever he wants with - sell him or raise him for this years fair. DH was able to find a tire in the barn that fit the truck, but it's not in the greatest condition. We still will need to get new tires but at least he can get the rented equipment returned today. FIL noticed our trauma and went to get us all McDonalds for lunch, which nobody ate for fear of getting sick to their stomaches. LOL BUT he noticed and did something for us, which was a blessing. We'll never tell him what happened to those burgers...

I felt all day long that HaShem was trying to tell us, at least me, something and that I just wasn't getting it. If this is just a test to grow good things, I can deal with that. If there's a roadblock somewhere between us and Him that is causing these things to happen, I want to know what it is and how to get rid of it! If there's hidden sin somewhere (we had read about Achan and the battles at Jericho and Ai the night before) then I want it revealed so we can deal with it and do t'shuva. Everything is spiritual, everything has purpose, everything has it's reason - what on earth is yesterday's reason or purpose? I'm so tired of this happening and the fact that it happens to our kids just makes it worse. Being a parent and standing by helpless as your children suffer horrible loss is terrible. I'm so tired of the fact that Miriam has had to struggle so much just to get her sheep up and running. The trauma we had the first year she had sheep has never left - it just continues every year in one form or another. Never mind the awards and achievements she's won over the past 5 years, it all has come at a very high price. She's feeling like maybe she doesn't belong in the sheep (or any animal) industry at all. Now, this from a girl who is a better vet than some vets we've had out - this is a sign of a seriously broken heart and breaking spirit. What does a Mama do? I hate this!

So, that was our no good, horrible, very bad day. I have no clue how HaShem is planning to make this turn out for the good...

Posted by Anonymous

I got your email and I'm praying for all involved. I can't believe this happened again with K's ewe. Bless her heart.

Brandi

Posted by AcceptanceWithJoy

[Miriam] What a wonderful sister with a heart of compassion and tenderness.

The promise of Romans 8:28 will work for you. When I was struggling with infertility (I am still infertile, just no longer struggling), I wondered if that verse applied to me. My experiences weren't working for good. I was becoming angry, bitter... anyway, to them that love God. I was angry and lacking trust. You are not.

Praying for you all and sorry for you loss.