Jul. 5, 2009 - Benjamin Gabriel (July 1, 2009)
For 14 weeks I was given the immense joy and pleasure of carrying a new life even while God Himself was busy knitting the new creation together. God chose me, and me alone, to hold this baby. I am so grateful that I was given this time with my creator and the baby that He gave me for such a short time.
Sunday I began spotting and Monday we went to the hospital. We were given an ultrasound after many hours of waiting. She moved the wand around and poked a lot of buttons but never said a word. Finally I asked if she had seen the baby, if there was a heart beat. She said that she wasn't able to tell me, that if she did she could have lost her job. I tried my hardest to hold it together but the tears came anyway.
She then turned the sound on and I thought I heard the baby's heartbeat so I was overjoyed. I saw the screen just a bit and was able to see the beautiful profile of a tiny little face. However, there were no little fists swishing by that tiny profile. I saw where the fluttering of a little heart should have been, yet there was only stillness.
I was hoping beyond hope that what I thought I saw and what I really saw were not the same. I kept thinking back to the swooshing heartbeat I heard and just waited for the doctor to come in with good news.
When she came in, there was no good news to be heard. The heartbeat I heard was my own. The tiny baby's heart had stopped beating at least a week ago.
I knew that this little one was already at the feet of Jesus and with our little Anna, yet I still held him within. I begged for her not to do a d&c. I know that it may sound bizarre and even a little morbid, but I longed to hold him within as long as God would allow.
My Tommy's parents allowed us use of their beach house as a retreat to lose our baby in privacy. After many hard hours he came this morning. I've never forgotten how beckoning Anna's tiny hands were. Benjamin's were just the same. So tiny, yet they looked like they were just waiting to curl around my finger even though they will never be given the chance. So tiny. So tiny, but so real.
My Tommy and I are so blessed to watch our living children grow and play, yet each new achievement, each new experience brings grief knowing we will never experience those new things with our tiny Benjamin. We'll never get to hear him cry, nor will we get to comfort that cry away.
We named him Benjamin Gabriel. Benjamin because that is the boy name we have had reserved for the past four pregnancies. It means "Son of my right hand". Gabriel means "God is my strength" and we chose it as a reminder to ourselves. When we lost Anna I don't think I would have survived had God not been my strength.
I never thought I would feel this pain again, yet, here I am. Experience doesn't make it any easier, if anything harder because I now know what to expect.
I am so sorry for all of you have are experiencing the same grief as I am.
Comments
Jul. 28, 2009 - together with Jesus
Posted by Anonymous
Lisa, My little one went to be with Jesus exactly two years ago. I like to think that maybe our heavenly children are good friends just as our earthly ones are. In my heart I call the baby "Jane" although we never knew for sure.
I love you friend, and you know that I am lifting you to our dear Father.
Jody
Sep. 8, 2009 - HUGS
Posted by Mama9blessings
Lisa, I totally understand what you have gone through. I have lost 14 sweet little ones--13 through miscarriage and one little boy who was stillborn 19 years ago today.
Just last November I had my 13th miscarriage, and this time the baby was big enough to see (91/2 weeks). We have named ours as the Lord has always given a sense of boy or girl.
I am so grateful for the 9 He has allowed me to keep, but part of my heart is in Heaven with my others.
I will be praying for you. So glad you stopped by and posted so I could visit you here.
Many hugs and prayers!
Trisch
