A look through my eyes

Learning to travel right

I'm finally learning what it means to travel right.

This new journey, called trust, is filled with adventure. It is amazing to me to see the number of times I still try to call the direction from the back seat, as though I can see the road better.  It's no wonder I feel frightened and unsure from time to time.  I'm meant to enjoy the journey, not worry about what's in the road.

As I remind myself to sit back and delight in what I can see, I relax and begin to savor my position as passenger. My Father encourages me to keep my eyes fixed on the things He shows me, and not to become distracted or discouraged by the bumps in the road.  He's got it all under control.

The "seat belt" fits better as I lean back in the seat and rest in the knowledge the journey is part of the whole plan.  The steering wheel is in the hands of the One who can see what's up ahead, and who knows how to handle each situation.

I may get it yet.  

Thorns from the side of the road

March 22, 2008

How quickly a week will change things.  Somewhere in the past week I wandered off the road of “discipline” and began struggling in the brambles of “diet”.  The “pay off” was a grumpy, distracted spirit, a stumble that resulted in a fall (while walking the dog) and two and four tenths pound gain!  After wrestling with the whole angry at myself, temptation to self-sabotage and give up thoughts, I finally figured out the problem.  I’d listened to the lie that I could “do it myself” and proceeded down the thorny path of distractions.

This journey is NOT about weight loss, but about my willingness to be diligent in being disciplined in everything I do.  If weight comes off as a result of this discipline, let the Lord receive all the glory

Discipline and diligence pays off

TA DA!!!

OK, that's about the best I can do for creating a happy thought in writing.

I am gaining victories as I journey along the road to wholeness.  Learning to s-l-o-w down and really enjoy my food has paid off.  I lost 4.4 pounds this past week.  Wow!  I would love to see that many fall off regularly, but I'm content in simply taking the victories as they come. It's no longer about weight loss, but about discipline.

I hadn't really thought about the whole food issue being a sin until about a year ago.  As I was weeding out some of my old paper work, I realized how much I had written over the years about wanting to lose weight and worries over food.  Somewhere along the way, I realized I had become a glutton.  UGH!  That's an ugly word.  It puts the reality of eating beyond my need squarely in front of me. 

I didn't like it. 

Then to make matters worse, I realized I'd become slothful in my behavior.  YUCK!!

Now I had to quit trying to dodge the truth and own the fact that gluttony and sloth are NOT behaviors that bring honor to God.  I'd been soft selling my sin for years; playing down gluttony as "I overeat a bit from time to time" and sloth as "I'm not as active as I could be, but........."

Having accurately name the problem, and owned it as something I needed to address, the journey began.  Bu it wasn't until I worked through the whole process of the importance of loving myself as I am loved, that I began to really understand the freedom in doing what I'm supposed to do.

As I choose to love myself appropriately, I value myself enough to take proper care of myself.  Each action creating an equal and or greater reaction.  For once, I am not able to adequately put into words the impact of the truth that now surrounds me.  Perhaps it is because each person needs to discover this for themselves.

All I know is that I am no longer going to allow myself to be bound in the cords of wrong behaviors.  I choose to enjoy the food I eat, and eat appropriately. I choose to enjoy the fact that I am able to walk and take time to enjoy God's creation each day as I take the dog out for "our" excercise.

The baby steps are beginning to produce strength.  The journey is becoming easier.

Valuing the journey

  3/12/08

I’m enjoying the benefits of discipline and self-control.  The new point system with Weight Watchers is definitely helping my journey back to the right weight for my height and age.  Even though I was “up” 2/10 of a pound last weigh-in, I feel confident that I’ve lost at least a pound or two this week.  It’s been good to deliberately choose to take care of myself.  I am enjoying the journey, and don't feel like I'm "dieting", rather just making wise choices.  I've even had ice cream and pizza.  Incredible.  I look forward to the end result, but am happy with each little victory.

Pressing On

It's been awhile since I've stopped by to add my thoughts here.  The journey into wholeness continues.  The pace is slow and leisurely.  I am enjoying the journey.  Even though I am fighting a cold, and my weight was up 2/10 of a pound at weigh in, I find I am not easily shaken.  Hydrating myself iadequately s important.   Old habits being replaced with new.

I look forward to how it will all pan out.

Life is good. 

The view from my corner of the world.

Walking with the Lord each and every moment is the most blessed experience one will ever encounter.  As I gaze back over the course of my life, I am reminded of all the wonderful ways He has alwyas watched over me, and repeatedly called me into sweet fellowship with Him. Recognizing the numerous times He has lovingly embraced me after I skinned my knees on my own rebellion, only sweetens the journey.  He has never demanded I love Him, but has continually offered His love and grace, even when I rejected it.   It is too wonderous for me to fully comprehend.

As I continue my journey into wholeness, I am overwhelmed by the immensity of God's love, and the measures He has used to bring me to this place.  I am astounded at the reality of how He has used everything I've experienced to draw me deeper and deeper in love with Him.  Although there are many things I would prefer not to have written (mostlyby my own hand) on the pages of my personal history book, there are no regrets.  Each failure and every victory have been carefully allowed and orchestrated by the One Who loves me best; permissive will giving way to His perfect plan.  There are no words to adequately describe the awe and reverence I feel for this divine love.

Taking tiny baby steps towards complete and absloute trust in His perfect will, I find my legs of faith are becoming stronger than I ever imagined possible.  Unspeakable joy bursts from my heart, and deep sighs of contentment from my being.  I am loved perfectly by the King, and I'm beginning to embrace the reality of the status as His daughter..a princess; heir to eternal things, yet allowed to enjoy the benefits while still in this realm.

"Incredibly awesome" doesn't begin to express this experience.

Thinking on what is true......

The saga continues.  I found myself struggling with nightmares the last few nights.  After taking some time to analyze, I realized it was simply the battle to stay true to what I've committed to do, and the old tapes of failing to succeed that still play from time to time.  Bible study and prayer prove out God's truth, those things committed to Him will come to pass, and He will never leave or forsake me. 

My greatest concern is that this whole journey be HIS...not mine. 

Dale and I had a marvelous "mini" vacation in Monterey and Carmel this past week, and I was able to eat wisely.  I didn't make last weeks weigh in at Weight Watchers though, so the negative tapes began to play in my head.  Taking my thoughts captive, I press on with courage.  The battle belongs to the Lord.  I must simply listen and obey.

I may not know what the day holds, but I know Who holds the day.

I am at peace.

(There is victory in obedience.  Weigh-in last night (2/21/0) revealed another 1/2 pound loss, and this morning I was able to put on a pair of jeans (comfortably) that I haven't worn in quite some time.  Hooray!!!)

It's good to practice self-control

As the song from The Music Machine says "self-control is just controlling myself". 

Yesterday was Azariah's 1st birthday, and there was LOTS of fun food to be had......when I finally got to the party!  I had to run to Costco to get the cakes right after church.  The place was mobbed with 100's of shoppers.  I was glad I'd made the decision to grab a healthy bite before I got there, because I had to wait for the cakes to be finished.  There are lots of "sample" temptations to be tried, but I'd also popped a piece of gum in my mouth before I went inside the store.  Whew!

Because I'd eaten before I went to Costco, I was able to resist nibbling at the party.  At the end of the day I had managed to stay well within my allotted points.  Hooray!!

Dale and I will celebrate our 33rd anniversary and Valentine's day on Thursday, which means I may miss a weigh-in.  I need to remember to stay on track. 

It feels good to be wise.

A loss equals a victory!!

Embracing the value of ME!

On our way to Magic Kingdom

The lovely taste of feet..........Bleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhh!

There are times I seem to have a serious problem with foot in mouth disease.  No matter how tactful I try to be when expressing an opinion to someone, I often find my foot in my mouth.  

Take today for instance.  

Although I have been asked to mentor the individual in the past, today, I wasn't being sought for advice.  That's probably where I got into trouble, but, true to my nature, I saw something and  felt compelled to share with them.  I prayed for wisdom on how to best approach the situation.  When the opportunity arose to speak, I approached it in the manner I thought most appropriate. 

Too late I discovered I had misunderstood.  I was trying to commend them for correcting something, only to find they were oblvious to what it was.  Foot deeply imbedded in my mouth, I tried to graciously backpedal out of the situation. With each word, I realized I was only digging the hole deeper.  Recognizing I had inadvertantly offended, I tried to apologize.  The terse reply verified my apology wasn't trusted. 

I hate this.   Once again I've injured someone in my effort to help.  People say they want the truth, but not always.  They may want accountabity and mentoring, but be careful what you say.  Just because someone has asked for your help, doesn't mean they're going to be at a place where they can hear what you have to say when you're ready to say it.

 I try to be very careful with my words, and when I find I've caused injury because of something I've said, it frustrates me.  I've worked long and hard to try to curb my tongue, and to try to bless instead of bruise. I can only pray God will use my fumbling efforts, in spite  of my stumbling, bull in the china cupboard efforts.

I move forward,  Trying carefully not to knock any more of the fragile elements around me on the ground, I feel the crunch of a broken trust beneath my feet.

I will not hang my head in shame.  I had not set out to offend.  I will accept the responsibilty of what I need to change, and pray for the wisdom to be more discerning in the future, but I won't get snared in the "Poor me's" of the "would've, should've's, could'ves"  It's counter productive.

One baby step at a time I see where God is pruning the areas in my life that need His help.  I am grateful for His love and grace.  He is definately the Lord of second (third and fourth) chances and the God of restoration.  He uses all things to His glory when we'll let Him.

Boy oh boy!  I can hardly wait to see what He's going to to with this!

Toe jam isn't tasty.

Life in transistion

All of her things have now been redistributed to her children and grandchildren, and the remainder sold or given away.  The remnants of her life, and the life she shared with her husband of over 50 years, now taking residence in new homes. Years of life, now tucked away in curio cabinets and spare rooms.

My life is at a place of transition and change.  It is not completely uncomfotable, and yet, the passage isn't without snags.  As I try to find places for my Mother's things, I am intensely aware of my own mortality. When my granddaugther admires the music box that belonged to my Grandmother, I realize how fragile time has become.  It seems only yesterday I had made my own mother a grandmother. Now I am the grandmother whose things have become a fascination for the generation following close behind.

Transition and change, the ever present realities of life.

I move forward, cautiously, careful to make the passages easier for those who follow.

Saying farewell to one who was deeply loved.

Written Thursday, May 10, 2007

I knew by the way he touched my hand, that he understood.  Our time together was over.  Tears cascaded down my cheeks as I buried my head in his neck.  I would miss him terribly, he was my dear, dear friend, and had heard me cry, and had comforted me many, many times.  We had been dear friends for over 15 years.  In fact, we were so close to one another, there were times my husband felt like an outsider, he didn't understand the bond we had with one another. But this friend, my beloved dear cat, was more than just a pet. Having to make the decision to have him put down because of his poor health tore at my soul. And yet...he seemed to understand.  He had served long and well. One last stroke of his velvety fur, one final assurance of my love for him, and I gave the word.  Weeping violently, I held him as he sighed his last breath. His journey was complete. He was free.

Being still.......even when I want to wiggle

I hate being sick!  For the second time in less than a week, I am suffering the effects of the flu.  Not fun, but aparently neccessary.  I know it is good to rest, even when it is mandated in a way I would have preferred missing.  It has kept me apart from the group of college kids we host in our home each Monday for dinner and Bible study.  I can hear the activity downstairs, but know it is more kind to stay away tonight.  Spreading germs isn't a loving thing to do, and this is a nasty bug.  I know they know that I love them.  It is enough.

United we stand! We can make a difference!

Please consider this carefully and join us.

United we stand!!

Someone has said if Christians really understood the full extent of the power we have available through prayer, we might be speechless.  Did you know that during W.W.II there was an advisor to Churchill who organized a group of people who dropped what they were doing every day at a prescribed hour for one minute to collectively pray for the safety of England, its people, and peace.
        
        There is now a group of people organizing the same thing here in America
        
        If you would like to participate: Every evening at 9:00 PM Eastern Time (8:00 PM Central) (7:00 PM Mountain) (6:00 PM Pacific), stop whatever you are doing and spend one minute praying for the safety of the United States, our troops, our citizens, and for a return to a Godly nation.

         If you know anyone else who would like to participate, please pass this along.
        
        Our prayers are the most powerful asset we have.
        
        PLEASE FORWARD TO YOUR BELIEVING FRIENDS

In Christ's service and love ~Amy~

The Thin Line (between grace and works)

An excerpt from my book "Barefoot with God"  For your consideration and feedback.

"For by grace you are saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: not of works lest any man should boast." Ephesians 2:8

God's grace is an amazing thing.

Those words, in and of themselves, speak volumes. Perhaps because grace is such an amazing thing, our finite minds have difficulty embracing it.

Oh sure, we can accept the fact that we are sinners and need God's grace to cover our sins so we can obtain heaven, and we are even somewhat generous in allowing His grace to flow into others lives through us. But do we really understand the immensity of the gift we've been given? Can we possibly begin to comprehend the magnitude and grandeur of God's great love for us?

It is my opinion we are unable to do so without extensive time in His word and in His presence. We may well scratch the surface in time spent at church and Bible studies, but until we spend significant time with Him, One on one, we won't get it.

Consider the account of Martha and Mary in Luke 10:40-42. Jesus had come by their house, and as was customary, Martha busily engaged herself in preparing a meal for Jesus. Mary, however, chose to sit at His feet and listen to Him speak. Martha became upset with Mary's lack of help, and asked Jesus to chastise her. He responded lovingly when He said to her "Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her." (vs 41 & 42 NKJV)

In His own words He tells us the importance of sitting at His feet.

Why then, do we get so tangled up in "doing" ?

You see there is a very fine line between completely accepting the gift of His grace, and massaging our egos to make ourselves feel worthy of His love. Even handling the Scripture "Be doers of the word, and not hearers only." (James 1:22), can be cause for stumbling. When we busy ourselves "doing" we often miss the more important act of "dwelling".

Dwelling regquires resting.

Resting requires being still.

Being still requires stopping all of our activity.

No fidgeting. No doing. Simply being still.

God tells us to "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10 NKJV) and in Isaiah 30:15 we see " In returning and rest you shall be saved; In quietness and confidence shall be your strength." (NKJV). Why then do we struggle so?

Because grace is hard to comprehend and accept. It requires faith. Faith the size of a mustard seed is enough. Once we quit trying to prove to God, (others and ourselves) how "worthy" we are of receiving the gift, and begin resting in the provision He has given, we will find His grace is truly amazing.

Bask in His love. Let Him lavish His affection upon you.

Believe, receive and feel the refreshing waters beneath your feet.

New Pictures!

 Shelby smiles after taking my picture

  Tre being "Mater" from Cars

 

My new Grandson!  Azariah

  Lavendar waves

Carmel

Sunset in Carmel

Processing the sorrow, grateful for God's embrace

There are times the sheer magnitude of sorrow threatens to topple me, as I proces what it means to be "orphaned".  Although I am assured of my position as a child of God, there is something very final and disheartening knowing both of my parents are no longer living.  Today when I talked with my older sister, I see how much, even as adults, each of us depended on mom and dad.   When Daddy passed away 10 years ago, we all rallied around Mom in an effort to hold and help her through her loss.  I realize now, much of our hovering was for our own benefit as well.  We all needed the touchstone of security that we were still safe as a family. Now with Mom's passing, there is an intensified need to feel the bond of connection again. Although my family is growing with grandchildren being born, there is still the gnawing reality of my family diminshing at the same time.  What an odd mixture of emotions. 

Songs on the radio echo my sorrow today.  I know I will see those who have passed on again, yet my heart mourns the comfort of their presence.  As I sit here weeping while I write, I realize it's been four months to the day, since Mom went home to glory.  I miss the sound of her voice.

My sister was saying she may have to sell the moblie home where she and mom lived. Although she doesn't neccessarily want to move, rent has gone up in the park, making it difficult for her to make ends meet on her limited income.  She's still waiting to hear whether or not she'll get disability, even though she's been on oxygen for over 4 years and has been unsuccessful in her attempts to find a job.  Being 58 and on oxygen full times isn't a selling point for empolyment.

This is where faith meets the pavement of reality.  My eyes see only turbulance, but my heart looks up in hope.  I have to believe God has a higher and better plan in all of this.  Even the loss of what is known comes with the promise of what is yet to be seen.  I wrestle with my flesh, uncomfortable to be separated from that which is tangible.  But just as the sun returns after a storm, my faith shines through the places of doubt.  I have known God's faithfulness. I trust in His compassion and mercy.  Although my heart sorrows over the loss of the familiar, my eyes are no longer filled with tears, but shine instead with the love that pours forth from within.

I am not an orphan.  I am God's precious child and He holds me tight in His embrace.

Puppy love

Having a new puppy in the house is very much like having a new baby.  The only difference is babies don't bark, and we generally don't send them outside to go to the bathroom.

Although our new little Princess is adorable, she is a "velcro puppy".  It is the rare moment when she is not at my feet., or on my lap...much to the distain of my cat. He thinks his position has been usurped, and he doesn't  like it one bit.  I've tried my best to assure him he's still the alpha.  As I write he's petting himself on my hand, delighted that I've come upstairs without the dpg.  It's his turn now, so I'll close and give him some TLC.

 You can also find me on myspace http://www.myspace.com/grandmaamytlovesjesus

Happy blogging!