A look through my eyes

To everything a season

My husband and I have been cleaning out our garage and other areas of our life that have accumulated large amounts of stuff.  After living in the same house for over 20 years, we've managed to acquire quite a collection.  Although a great deal of it is necessary, there are still many items that fall into the category of unneeded.  Even though I wanted to cry at times, I had to laugh when an emotional attachment to something seemed to supersede necessity.  Cleaning out things from our children's childhood seemed to be the most difficult.  Papers and artwork that have been saved for years, and have no value other than sentimental,  were hard to discard. Putting my emotions aside, I pulled out a small collection to show their children, and pitched the rest. Moving into the playroom we have for the grandchildren was no easier. Some toys which have weathered a great deal of use, needed to be retired.  Remembering all the small hands which held them, and those who might still, made it a much more difficult process than I first thought.  Through tears of remembrance, many were sent on to other homes.

Change is not something I do well, even when it's necessary. 

Taking time to purge what is no longer helpful has been very liberating though.  As each unused or unnecessary item made its way down the path to its new destination, I felt a burden lift from my shoulders.  Looking at the new openness in the shed, garage, play room and closets, I realized just how overwhelmed we'd become with"stuff".  Unlike times in the past, I have no desire to fill the empty spaces.  There is something very freeing about becoming uncluttered.

It is a good reminder to me to let the seasons of time come and go.  Each earthly event or season is for a moment in time, not eternity. I can't take any of the items I've acquired over the years with me when I die, nor would I want to do so.  As much pleasure as most of it has brought me, I know it will pale in the light of eternity and God's presence. 

Time passes by more quickly everyday, and with each new day we must evaluate what is of most value.  As we watch the remembrances of September 11, 2001  the frailty of what we think is permanent, will once again be brought to the forefront.. Although the altered skyline of New York city made an impact, the loss of human life far supersedes any value that might be placed on a building.

As we approach the eighth anniversary of the event, I encourage you to think back to what you valued most when you became aware of what had happened.  Do you still value it in the same way?  Don't let complacency and time crowd out what is most treasured.  Instead, clear out what is cluttering the area, and make room for your most precious treasures.

As we have been forgiven

By now, most have heard the news about Jaycee Dugard who recently resurfaced after being abducted and held captive eighteen years ago by sexual predator and religious fanatic.  One has to wonder what her mindset is after spending the greater portion of her life imprisoned and manipulated by those who stole her from her family.  Being she was eleven years old at the time she was taken, she must have had some deep bonds with her own family, and formed her own opinions on certain matters.  How much of what she learned before her abduction and how it has impacted her life in comparison to what she's lived the last eighteen years, is yet to be seen.  One can only pray she will have the courage to forgive her captures.  It takes an enormous leap of faith to forgive as Christ taught us to forgive, and the leap of faith is an individual thing.

The freedom to worship as we wish

The Curve in the Road

     I know that change is inevitable in life, and I try to prepare myself to accept whatever may come.  It's just the uncertainty of it all that tends to make me feel a bit crazy.  I like to know what's up ahead.  I like to have a plan.  I want to be prepared to zig when I need to zig, and zag when I need to zag.  But I find I'm in a place of needing to simply sit still...to wait.. and waiting isn't always easy, especially when change is on the horizon setting up a chorus of questions.

    It is during times like this that my faith is deepend, as my ability to release control of the situation to the Lord, and my trust in Him, is put to the test. After all, we walk by faith, not by sight.   Knowing what I need to do, and doing it are often two different things though.  Old habits die hard, so I must constantly put a check on my attitude and heart as I lean into my Lord and nestle down further into the palm of His hand.  I can't let the bumps and noisy clamor of change distract me from my decision to obediently wait. 

     Being still when change is on the horizon, isn't easy, but it is possible if I'm willing to be still and rest.  In chosing to do so, I won't be tempted to stand up, and so, I won't bump my head on the protective cover of God's grace.  Little by litte the anxiety is quelled in my spirit as I actively pursue doing nothing other than bowing my head in prayer.

The Bells of Christmas

I have just finished reading a wonderful account of the story behind Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's poem "The Bells of Christmas".  Although I was familiar with the hymn, I was deeply touched by the poem this time as I read about the tragedies Longfellow experienced.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the entire poem and story, I will put them here for you to enjoy and encourage you to do a bit of research yourself.

The poem was written as Longfellow grieved the death of his beloved Fannie (Frances Appleton), who was badly burned when her dress caught fire, while attempting to preserve locks of her daughter's hair with candle wax.  In addition to the tragic loss of his wife, his oldest son Charles had been severly injured in the Civil war, which was still raging.  Life seemed bleak and without hope. 

But inspite of the circumstances, God's love reached through and reminded Longfellow of His presence.  It is the same message He continues to speak today.  May you find joy and peace as you read the words (and perhaps hear the tune) of this wonderful poem, and may God be forever glorifeid.

The Bells of Christmas by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I heard the bells on Chirstmas Day

Their old, familiar carols play,

And wild and sweet the words repeat

Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And thought how, as the day had come

The belfries of all Christendom

Had rolld along the unbroken song

Of peace on earth, good will toward men.

Then from each black, accursed mouth

The cannon thundered in the South,

And with the sound the carols drowned

Of peace on earth, good will to men.

It was as if an earthquake rent

The heart-stones of a continent,

And made forlorn, the households born

Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head

"There is no peace on erath," I said,

"For hate is tstrong and mocks the song

Of peace on earth, good will to men."

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;

The wrong shall fail, the right prevail

With peace on earth, good will to men."

Learning to travel right

I'm finally learning what it means to travel right.

This new journey, called trust, is filled with adventure. It is amazing to me to see the number of times I still try to call the direction from the back seat, as though I can see the road better.  It's no wonder I feel frightened and unsure from time to time.  I'm meant to enjoy the journey, not worry about what's in the road.

As I remind myself to sit back and delight in what I can see, I relax and begin to savor my position as passenger. My Father encourages me to keep my eyes fixed on the things He shows me, and not to become distracted or discouraged by the bumps in the road.  He's got it all under control.

The "seat belt" fits better as I lean back in the seat and rest in the knowledge the journey is part of the whole plan.  The steering wheel is in the hands of the One who can see what's up ahead, and who knows how to handle each situation.

I may get it yet.  

Thorns from the side of the road

March 22, 2008

How quickly a week will change things.  Somewhere in the past week I wandered off the road of “discipline” and began struggling in the brambles of “diet”.  The “pay off” was a grumpy, distracted spirit, a stumble that resulted in a fall (while walking the dog) and two and four tenths pound gain!  After wrestling with the whole angry at myself, temptation to self-sabotage and give up thoughts, I finally figured out the problem.  I’d listened to the lie that I could “do it myself” and proceeded down the thorny path of distractions.

This journey is NOT about weight loss, but about my willingness to be diligent in being disciplined in everything I do.  If weight comes off as a result of this discipline, let the Lord receive all the glory

Discipline and diligence pays off

TA DA!!!

OK, that's about the best I can do for creating a happy thought in writing.

I am gaining victories as I journey along the road to wholeness.  Learning to s-l-o-w down and really enjoy my food has paid off.  I lost 4.4 pounds this past week.  Wow!  I would love to see that many fall off regularly, but I'm content in simply taking the victories as they come. It's no longer about weight loss, but about discipline.

I hadn't really thought about the whole food issue being a sin until about a year ago.  As I was weeding out some of my old paper work, I realized how much I had written over the years about wanting to lose weight and worries over food.  Somewhere along the way, I realized I had become a glutton.  UGH!  That's an ugly word.  It puts the reality of eating beyond my need squarely in front of me. 

I didn't like it. 

Then to make matters worse, I realized I'd become slothful in my behavior.  YUCK!!

Now I had to quit trying to dodge the truth and own the fact that gluttony and sloth are NOT behaviors that bring honor to God.  I'd been soft selling my sin for years; playing down gluttony as "I overeat a bit from time to time" and sloth as "I'm not as active as I could be, but........."

Having accurately name the problem, and owned it as something I needed to address, the journey began.  Bu it wasn't until I worked through the whole process of the importance of loving myself as I am loved, that I began to really understand the freedom in doing what I'm supposed to do.

As I choose to love myself appropriately, I value myself enough to take proper care of myself.  Each action creating an equal and or greater reaction.  For once, I am not able to adequately put into words the impact of the truth that now surrounds me.  Perhaps it is because each person needs to discover this for themselves.

All I know is that I am no longer going to allow myself to be bound in the cords of wrong behaviors.  I choose to enjoy the food I eat, and eat appropriately. I choose to enjoy the fact that I am able to walk and take time to enjoy God's creation each day as I take the dog out for "our" excercise.

The baby steps are beginning to produce strength.  The journey is becoming easier.

Valuing the journey

  3/12/08

I’m enjoying the benefits of discipline and self-control.  The new point system with Weight Watchers is definitely helping my journey back to the right weight for my height and age.  Even though I was “up” 2/10 of a pound last weigh-in, I feel confident that I’ve lost at least a pound or two this week.  It’s been good to deliberately choose to take care of myself.  I am enjoying the journey, and don't feel like I'm "dieting", rather just making wise choices.  I've even had ice cream and pizza.  Incredible.  I look forward to the end result, but am happy with each little victory.

Pressing On

It's been awhile since I've stopped by to add my thoughts here.  The journey into wholeness continues.  The pace is slow and leisurely.  I am enjoying the journey.  Even though I am fighting a cold, and my weight was up 2/10 of a pound at weigh in, I find I am not easily shaken.  Hydrating myself iadequately s important.   Old habits being replaced with new.

I look forward to how it will all pan out.

Life is good. 

The view from my corner of the world.

Walking with the Lord each and every moment is the most blessed experience one will ever encounter.  As I gaze back over the course of my life, I am reminded of all the wonderful ways He has alwyas watched over me, and repeatedly called me into sweet fellowship with Him. Recognizing the numerous times He has lovingly embraced me after I skinned my knees on my own rebellion, only sweetens the journey.  He has never demanded I love Him, but has continually offered His love and grace, even when I rejected it.   It is too wonderous for me to fully comprehend.

As I continue my journey into wholeness, I am overwhelmed by the immensity of God's love, and the measures He has used to bring me to this place.  I am astounded at the reality of how He has used everything I've experienced to draw me deeper and deeper in love with Him.  Although there are many things I would prefer not to have written (mostlyby my own hand) on the pages of my personal history book, there are no regrets.  Each failure and every victory have been carefully allowed and orchestrated by the One Who loves me best; permissive will giving way to His perfect plan.  There are no words to adequately describe the awe and reverence I feel for this divine love.

Taking tiny baby steps towards complete and absloute trust in His perfect will, I find my legs of faith are becoming stronger than I ever imagined possible.  Unspeakable joy bursts from my heart, and deep sighs of contentment from my being.  I am loved perfectly by the King, and I'm beginning to embrace the reality of the status as His daughter..a princess; heir to eternal things, yet allowed to enjoy the benefits while still in this realm.

"Incredibly awesome" doesn't begin to express this experience.

Thinking on what is true......

The saga continues.  I found myself struggling with nightmares the last few nights.  After taking some time to analyze, I realized it was simply the battle to stay true to what I've committed to do, and the old tapes of failing to succeed that still play from time to time.  Bible study and prayer prove out God's truth, those things committed to Him will come to pass, and He will never leave or forsake me. 

My greatest concern is that this whole journey be HIS...not mine. 

Dale and I had a marvelous "mini" vacation in Monterey and Carmel this past week, and I was able to eat wisely.  I didn't make last weeks weigh in at Weight Watchers though, so the negative tapes began to play in my head.  Taking my thoughts captive, I press on with courage.  The battle belongs to the Lord.  I must simply listen and obey.

I may not know what the day holds, but I know Who holds the day.

I am at peace.

(There is victory in obedience.  Weigh-in last night (2/21/0) revealed another 1/2 pound loss, and this morning I was able to put on a pair of jeans (comfortably) that I haven't worn in quite some time.  Hooray!!!)

It's good to practice self-control

As the song from The Music Machine says "self-control is just controlling myself". 

Yesterday was Azariah's 1st birthday, and there was LOTS of fun food to be had......when I finally got to the party!  I had to run to Costco to get the cakes right after church.  The place was mobbed with 100's of shoppers.  I was glad I'd made the decision to grab a healthy bite before I got there, because I had to wait for the cakes to be finished.  There are lots of "sample" temptations to be tried, but I'd also popped a piece of gum in my mouth before I went inside the store.  Whew!

Because I'd eaten before I went to Costco, I was able to resist nibbling at the party.  At the end of the day I had managed to stay well within my allotted points.  Hooray!!

Dale and I will celebrate our 33rd anniversary and Valentine's day on Thursday, which means I may miss a weigh-in.  I need to remember to stay on track. 

It feels good to be wise.

A loss equals a victory!!

Embracing the value of ME!

On our way to Magic Kingdom

The lovely taste of feet..........Bleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhh!

There are times I seem to have a serious problem with foot in mouth disease.  No matter how tactful I try to be when expressing an opinion to someone, I often find my foot in my mouth.  

Take today for instance.  

Although I have been asked to mentor the individual in the past, today, I wasn't being sought for advice.  That's probably where I got into trouble, but, true to my nature, I saw something and  felt compelled to share with them.  I prayed for wisdom on how to best approach the situation.  When the opportunity arose to speak, I approached it in the manner I thought most appropriate. 

Too late I discovered I had misunderstood.  I was trying to commend them for correcting something, only to find they were oblvious to what it was.  Foot deeply imbedded in my mouth, I tried to graciously backpedal out of the situation. With each word, I realized I was only digging the hole deeper.  Recognizing I had inadvertantly offended, I tried to apologize.  The terse reply verified my apology wasn't trusted. 

I hate this.   Once again I've injured someone in my effort to help.  People say they want the truth, but not always.  They may want accountabity and mentoring, but be careful what you say.  Just because someone has asked for your help, doesn't mean they're going to be at a place where they can hear what you have to say when you're ready to say it.

 I try to be very careful with my words, and when I find I've caused injury because of something I've said, it frustrates me.  I've worked long and hard to try to curb my tongue, and to try to bless instead of bruise. I can only pray God will use my fumbling efforts, in spite  of my stumbling, bull in the china cupboard efforts.

I move forward,  Trying carefully not to knock any more of the fragile elements around me on the ground, I feel the crunch of a broken trust beneath my feet.

I will not hang my head in shame.  I had not set out to offend.  I will accept the responsibilty of what I need to change, and pray for the wisdom to be more discerning in the future, but I won't get snared in the "Poor me's" of the "would've, should've's, could'ves"  It's counter productive.

One baby step at a time I see where God is pruning the areas in my life that need His help.  I am grateful for His love and grace.  He is definately the Lord of second (third and fourth) chances and the God of restoration.  He uses all things to His glory when we'll let Him.

Boy oh boy!  I can hardly wait to see what He's going to to with this!

Toe jam isn't tasty.

Life in transistion

All of her things have now been redistributed to her children and grandchildren, and the remainder sold or given away.  The remnants of her life, and the life she shared with her husband of over 50 years, now taking residence in new homes. Years of life, now tucked away in curio cabinets and spare rooms.

My life is at a place of transition and change.  It is not completely uncomfotable, and yet, the passage isn't without snags.  As I try to find places for my Mother's things, I am intensely aware of my own mortality. When my granddaugther admires the music box that belonged to my Grandmother, I realize how fragile time has become.  It seems only yesterday I had made my own mother a grandmother. Now I am the grandmother whose things have become a fascination for the generation following close behind.

Transition and change, the ever present realities of life.

I move forward, cautiously, careful to make the passages easier for those who follow.

Saying farewell to one who was deeply loved.

Written Thursday, May 10, 2007

I knew by the way he touched my hand, that he understood.  Our time together was over.  Tears cascaded down my cheeks as I buried my head in his neck.  I would miss him terribly, he was my dear, dear friend, and had heard me cry, and had comforted me many, many times.  We had been dear friends for over 15 years.  In fact, we were so close to one another, there were times my husband felt like an outsider, he didn't understand the bond we had with one another. But this friend, my beloved dear cat, was more than just a pet. Having to make the decision to have him put down because of his poor health tore at my soul. And yet...he seemed to understand.  He had served long and well. One last stroke of his velvety fur, one final assurance of my love for him, and I gave the word.  Weeping violently, I held him as he sighed his last breath. His journey was complete. He was free.

Being still.......even when I want to wiggle

I hate being sick!  For the second time in less than a week, I am suffering the effects of the flu.  Not fun, but aparently neccessary.  I know it is good to rest, even when it is mandated in a way I would have preferred missing.  It has kept me apart from the group of college kids we host in our home each Monday for dinner and Bible study.  I can hear the activity downstairs, but know it is more kind to stay away tonight.  Spreading germs isn't a loving thing to do, and this is a nasty bug.  I know they know that I love them.  It is enough.