A look through my eyes

Processing the sorrow, grateful for God's embrace

There are times the sheer magnitude of sorrow threatens to topple me, as I proces what it means to be "orphaned".  Although I am assured of my position as a child of God, there is something very final and disheartening knowing both of my parents are no longer living.  Today when I talked with my older sister, I see how much, even as adults, each of us depended on mom and dad.   When Daddy passed away 10 years ago, we all rallied around Mom in an effort to hold and help her through her loss.  I realize now, much of our hovering was for our own benefit as well.  We all needed the touchstone of security that we were still safe as a family. Now with Mom's passing, there is an intensified need to feel the bond of connection again. Although my family is growing with grandchildren being born, there is still the gnawing reality of my family diminshing at the same time.  What an odd mixture of emotions. 

Songs on the radio echo my sorrow today.  I know I will see those who have passed on again, yet my heart mourns the comfort of their presence.  As I sit here weeping while I write, I realize it's been four months to the day, since Mom went home to glory.  I miss the sound of her voice.

My sister was saying she may have to sell the moblie home where she and mom lived. Although she doesn't neccessarily want to move, rent has gone up in the park, making it difficult for her to make ends meet on her limited income.  She's still waiting to hear whether or not she'll get disability, even though she's been on oxygen for over 4 years and has been unsuccessful in her attempts to find a job.  Being 58 and on oxygen full times isn't a selling point for empolyment.

This is where faith meets the pavement of reality.  My eyes see only turbulance, but my heart looks up in hope.  I have to believe God has a higher and better plan in all of this.  Even the loss of what is known comes with the promise of what is yet to be seen.  I wrestle with my flesh, uncomfortable to be separated from that which is tangible.  But just as the sun returns after a storm, my faith shines through the places of doubt.  I have known God's faithfulness. I trust in His compassion and mercy.  Although my heart sorrows over the loss of the familiar, my eyes are no longer filled with tears, but shine instead with the love that pours forth from within.

I am not an orphan.  I am God's precious child and He holds me tight in His embrace.