A look through my eyes

         Boundaries are important.

 

            Some time ago a study was done on grade school students on the playground. It was observed when there was no fence, children would huddle in small groups towards the center of the play area, yet, when a fence was added, the children would play throughout the entire play ground. The study came to the astute observation that children feel safe when there are boundaries. So do adults.

            Years ago I had the opportunity to visit the restaurant at the top of the World Trade Center. It was an impressive, ear popping elevator ride to the top, and an awe-inspiring view of New York, with only one hitch. As I approached the glass window to look out, my stomach lurched at the height, especially when I saw a small airplane pass well below us. Although I knew there was a thick pane of glass in the window, I needed to touch it to assure myself of its presence. Feeling the cool smooth surface underneath my hand, gave me a greater sense of safety.

 

Safety equals comfort and comes in a variety of ways. Each person knows what their “comfort level” is, and responds accordingly. For me, hiding behind a layer of fat brought an odd sense of comfort over the years. Perhaps it was the feeling of being “in control” of what I ate (which is actually laughable, because “control” is what I seemed to be lacking when it came to over-eating). Or perhaps, feeling less attractive made me feel “safe” when it came to interacting with others. The psychology behind it is still being researched. Either way, I’ve allowed myself to self-sabotage for far too long. Unhealthy eating habits have simply made me overweight (obese by the standards of society) and have put my health at risk. Although I haven’t been tested for high cholesterol, diabetes or other weight related health problems, snoring has been evident since the greater weight has been noticed. So said, I begin to make new choices. This time I choose to love myself, as the Lord loves me. It is difficult, but not impossible.

           

            I have decided this will be a good way of tracking the changes I make over the course of time. It is said that when one writes down a goal, it is easier to achieve. The whole idea of losing 100 pounds is daunting to me, yet, I have known for some time this is not the number I have chosen. Scripture tells me I am to commit my plans to the Lord and He will bring them to pass. (Proverbs 16:3) I feel this is the weight He has chosen. I will do my best to be obedient and NOT sabotage myself, daily making wise choices in what I eat and how much exercise I get.

 

           If the goal is what the Lord wants, I know it will happen. My desire is that He will receive all the glory.

 

 1/11/08

And the journey continues….

Today is the 2^nd day of life style choices and changes for me. It is my 2^nd day of really paying attention to what I’m eating, and focusing on taking care of myself. I joined Weight Watchers@ last night, and purchased their 10-week plan. My “mini goal” is to simply get my life back on track and maintain control over how I treat myself. Dale, at first , seemed* to be behaving a bit differently now that I am purposely trying to lose weight. I don’t know if it comes from his own fears that I might make him eat something “diet”, or that he becomes insecure when I lose weight. It will be an interesting journey. In the past, how others perceived me was a HUGE stumbling block for me. My self-worth was much too tied up in other’s opinions. It is not a stumbling block today. I am learning to genuinely like and love myself. I have found out who I am, and I’m a likeable person, thin or fat. I simply choose to try to be healthier now and lose the excess baggage of too many pounds, and the entire negative self-talk that comes with them. I know I’m already feeling less tired, which is a huge bonus!

I have discovered the ABC’s of Self-love…and they are NOT selfish

A – Self-acceptance

B – behavior modification/discipline

C – Self-control

 *Note: he has become very supportive now.

1/22/08

I’m eleven days into the new direction and doing OK. I lost 1.8 pounds last week, and, prayerfully, will have lost more this week. It is a daily decision to eat wisely. I love the new point system with Weight Watchers@. It makes it so much easier to stay on track. Having the additional 35 points per week to work with allows me to have cheat days without cheating. I’m trying to stay within the allotted 25 points per day, but it is certainly helpful to have the extra points when it comes to eating out…which we do a lot!

 

This morning I was looking at how easily my own “self-talk” defeats me. Learning to stay positive and self-encouraging is a new tool for me and it will take awhile to use it effectively. Moment by moment, day by day, I know I will win this battle. It’s not about a number on the scale, or a size of clothing, but being who God intended me to be. Gluttony is not in the original plan. Self-discipline is a good thing, and I am working at making wiser choices. I enjoy being who I am, and look forward to being all I’m supposed to be.

 

 1/23/08

Today is weigh-in. I think I’ve done OK, but must admit to being concerned. Although the scale in my bathroom shows a small weight-loss, I am not confident. Old tapes play in my head, and I try to drown them out with inspiring stories of others who have successfully managed to lose the excess weight. I know this is a LIFESTYLE change. I can no longer make excuses for gluttonous eating and slothful behavior. I know I’ll succeed if I follow God’s lead………There it is…my inspirational banner. I am going to be fine!

 

1/24/0 Worry has no place in the life of a believer.

“Perfect love casts out fear.” (1 John 4:18) I had a bit of a battle with emotions yesterday, but I made the choice not to give in to the negative self-talk and worry, and focused instead on moving forward realistically. Even with the news that the twins Jesse and Melissa are expecting might be in danger, got settled quickly through prayer. 

I had heard something earlier in the day on Dr. Phil as he was talking to people who had lost a great deal of weight that helped me stay focused.   He cautioned them that they needed to be sure to deal with the psychological reasons beneath their initial weight gain, or they stood the chance of regaining what they’d lost. I don’t have the direct quote, but he said something like “Treat psychological problems with psychology, not nutritionally!” It really stuck with me. I know I’ve been treating psychological difficulties for years with food, rather than really addressing the things that bother me. It’s a good reminder to stay focused on God’s goal, which is always the very best. The good news is, Jesse and Melissa completely surrendered the situation with the twins to God. Jesse said “I told God I didn’t want this in my hands, because my hands aren’t big enough to handle it, so He needed to take it because His are.”…Smart kid!

The other good news; I didn’t eat because of worry and I have lost another 1.3 pounds. 

I inch forward, one baby step at a time.

 

1/28/08

I love the new mindset that seems to be part of my life now. It is truly refreshing to see that I can make wise choices each day that will impact my life.   I am choosing to make a habit of taking care of myself. It feels good to eat right and exercise. Time will tell how this all plays out in my life. I am deeply content!

 

1/29/08

I have successfully made several days making good choices. Even last night when Jesse called with more upsetting news (Melissa’s hormone count isn’t good, meaning there is a greater chance of miscarriage), I made wise choices. There was a bit of a struggle not to worry eat, but I got past it. Today’s news is a bit brighter now that Melissa has talked directly to the doctor. We continue to pray for healthy babies (PLURAL) and a healthy pregnancy. It is in God’s hands.

 

1/31/08

The whole idea that being self-controlled equals being holy, is difficult to grasp, and yet, Scripture supports just that. In 1 Peter 1:13-16 it says: “Therefore, prepare you minds for action, be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do, for it is written: “Be holy for I am holy.”’(The Open Bible NIV emphasis added)

The “therefore” refers to the new birth and living hope we are given through Jesus Christ, which can never spoil or fade, and the refining “fires” of trials the believer will encounter. The trials are given so that our faith “may be proved genuine” (1 Peter 1:7) Our salvation is not dependent upon works; praise the Lord, but rather, our works are an overflow of salvation. Self-control is part of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22,23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.)

As I learn to discipline myself in every area of my life, I reap the benefits of “holiness”. It is a blessed place to be. I am content in His grace.

 

Note: Weigh in is tonight. I feel as though I have lost more weight, and I know I have done much better in making healthy choices in what I eat and what I do. I look forward to the continued journey.

 

2/1/08

Well, weigh-in was good. I’d lost over two and a half pounds, which puts my total weight loss so far to six pounds. I am happy for the victory, in spite of the storms. It looks as though Melissa is miscarrying. My heart breaks for many different reasons. The kids seem to be handling it quite well, although obviously sad. They are confident in God’s plan. We are as well, yet, we’re still sorrowful for the loss of the twins. I choose to face this and move forward. There is nothing to be gained by denying my feelings, and if I choose to try to feed my sadness, the only thing I would gain would be weight. 

I adjust my sights and move forward.

It is now a bit later in the afternoon. As much as I try to wrap myself around the thought of Melissa miscarrying, I cannot grasp it. Perhaps it is simply major denial. I keep playing the scenario in my head that she is still carrying one, if not two babies. I have spent the greater deal of the last two hours researching “vanishing twins” and other information about miscarriage. All I can do is wait and pray. Lord, you know my heart. 

 

2/2/08

Amy (McIntire) Jones baby shower was more difficult than I expected it to be, not in relationship to food, but emotionally. Each little gift seemed to pound home the reality of our loss. I managed to stay away from the treats, eating only some vegetables a piece of pineapple and a strawberry, and of course a cup of punch. We’re going out to Fudrucker’s for dinner tonight for Dale’s birthday and I’m fighting a cold. Lord, help me make wise choices. I pray in Jesus name.

 

 2/4/08

Choosing to face the storm’s, rather than hide from them, is difficult, but the wisest thing. Within minutes of the last posting, Jesse and Melissa came and shared the news that she had miscarried both babies. Although they were sad for the loss, there was an air of relief at the same time, as the process was over. I am humbled by their maturity and the grace with which they accepted their loss. My prayer is that we will all sufficiently mourn, and yet move forward in the power of the Lord’s might.

Amazingly, I did NOT eat in response to the sad news. Recognizing my feelings and dealing with them appropriately isn’t easy, but little victories give way to better habits.

It has been a long weekend. Dale and I are both under the weather, and there has been lots of “static” on the lines. I know it is merely the winds of adversity rattling the sails. I choose to nestle myself deeper into the palm of my Savior’s hand. I know I can ride out the storms safely in His care.