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Well, it's been quite awhile. Haven't blogged in ages.
Things are better here at the Ranch, finally. Praise God! Truly.
Here at home. Today... well, I definitely need to do a daily schedule. We aren't going what we need to be doing. Something hit me yesterday: Well run homes don't just happen. Not too deep for some, but quite the realization for me. I have to work and plan and work and work and plan for this to be a well run home: joyful, clean, orderly, efficient, and educational.
Oh, saw this: Spunky is giving away a Benz Microscope and Apologia Biology Set this week. Click Here to get the details.
so, I thought I'd try it. Don't know if I did it correctly. In Him, GfG
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I haven't been by in awhile. January is busy- still recovering from the holidays and my eldest's birthday is on the 16th. Just makes January fly by.
Anyway, I'm amazed that anyone comes by here and sees anything worth commenting on AND then even more amazed that someone actually comments. I guess it feels like praise to be encouraged by others. So, thank you to those of you who have encouraged me.
So... how am I faring? Not as well as I'd like (I wonder if my IRL name actually means that?? I'm always saying that about myself), but there are still baby steps of improvement going on. Temper stays in check more- so therefore the voice is getting reined in. I'm not doing as much TS as I'd like because... well, because I'm tired and lazy, mostly. Also, I need to work on a daily schedule. If I fly by the seat of my pants, TSing seems to come across as punishment or boring or something. So... I need to be more disciplined. I've realized I'm the Queen of Procrastination Land. Not a great title to have.
The thing I've noticed about myself lately is that I swing between two extremes. Wanting to not do anything... just hang out. Avoid responsibilities. Let the kids play by themselves. Ignore things. OR be superwoman and conquer it all. The house looks great. Meals are fab. The kids are disciplined and trained promptly. A dear friend said once, "You're nothing if not an extremist." I hadn't realized it, but it's true. So, I guess my prayer need to be for the LORD to make me realize that 1)I can accomplish anything superwoman-like ONLY through Him so toss that self-righteousness gig out the window and 2)it's ok to not do everything perfect all day because... well I"M NEVER GOING TO BE PERFECT! (yelling at myself, not any of you readers).
I love you, Lord. sooooo very much. It amazes me that you love me. Makes no sense really because You know the real me. Inside and out. Thank you. Would you please snap me out of this funk. Get my attention. Draw me to your side. Walk with me. In Your Son's Name, amen |
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Things seem to be going well with the changes. I have to admit, I'm not full blown TSing, but the majority of the time. The biggest change is really my attitude and temperment. They are more eternally focused and therefore more positive. The LORD is developing self control in me. Not an easy task. Some positive moments have ocurred in the TSing: my eldest responded awesomely to 'cooking time' with me and hugged and chatted (after her initial balking time since I was keeping her from doing something on her own), we all had a great time giggling and talking about what Daddy likes in his home, we snuggled and read, we cleaned together with minimal complaining. I'm making our schedule tonight and tomorrow we'll begin to have a more structured time to our day with 'cleaning times' scheduled in so the house is taken care of. I plan to use Tam's idea of making a list each night of what needs to be done the next day during our cleaning time. I think it will help me feel better and will give the kids some ownership in our home. We are already making sure the living room and kitchen look nice when Daddy gets home.
My 4yo dd has said the funniest things lately: "You're gonna be a *really* old mama someday!" "Mama, you need that!" said while pointing to a commercial advertising an eye cream that is suposed to help with wrinkles. sigh. "Oh, it feels like your gonna have another baby someday." said while patting my tummy. sigh.
Thank you to those of you who read this and leave notes of encouragement. I'm sorry I 'm not a more entertaining writer. My day is pretty full and I usually need a prewriting time to be clever and interesting. Ü I'm using my time for other things currently..
in Christ, GfG |
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I will begin tomato staking tomorrow. It won't be all day because I need to take the baby to the Dr. Man, I've been to the Dr. too often this past 30 days or so. Anyway, I'm excited again. If you've read any of my blog, you may be thinking I'm not serious about this and that I'll never get to it. But I will. I *really* do want to.
Because... I had an epiphany the other day. *This* is my life. It's not practice. There is no pause button Oh, how I wish there was!! So I could press it. Mature. Become a better mom, and *then* parent my children better. But, there isn't one. So, I've got to stop thinking, "Someday, I'll be a better mom. Someday, I'll take better care of the house. Someday, I'll control my temper and my moods better. Someday..." Well... someday is one of those things that can never come around if you choose for it not to. I choose for my Someday to begin today. Right now. 11:10pm CST on Sunday, January 8th.
Just as I've learned to take the power back from the piles of laundry, dirty dishes, and clutter (that's a blog for another day), I choose to give this life of mine to the LORD and say, "Ok. I"m ready. Let's get at this. Make me the mom my kiddos need NOW, not Someday."
I'm not naive enough to think it will be easy (although I wish it would be because deep down I'm lazy). I will need to be in the Word. I will need to pray. BUT this is a prayer and a gig I believe He really wants to happen and will therefore equip me to do this..
So, as Steven Curtis Chapman says, "Bring it on!"
Amen! |
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Ok. First of all, God blessed me despite my failings last night. I had some work due (on top of everything else) and He made it go easily: the kids fell asleep quickly and stayed quiet, the questions I had to create flowed right out of me, I just about finished when I feared I would not finish by Monday. I yelled a couple of times, though. Not too bad compared to before, but compared to Christ, pretty darn bad. Then the baby decided she wanted to wake every hour or so through the night. I'm exhausted.
He will have to control me 100% today for this to go well. That's really how it should be every day though, huh?
Tonight is the wedding. So far so good as far as my emotions go. I don't want to fall apart.
Well, my work is now turned in. So I need to fold laundry, wash the sheets for the guest house for company we might have tonight, do the dishes, and snuggle with the kiddos.
Dear Lord, Please control my tongue and my facial expressions today. Let me be a blessing to my blessings. Please control my emotions this evening. You know how I feel about going to this wedding. Please let it go well. Let me show Christ. in Your Precious Son's Name, Amen |
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Well, this weekend is a real test of how the LORD has changed my heart. Or not. My dh left an hour or so ago for the weekend. We *will* see him at a wedding tomorrow night, though the wedding is also a test.
Tomorrow night I get to go to a wedding where one of the groomsmen is my ex-fiance and one of the others is an ex-bestfriend. The ex-fiance is not too huge of a deal. He and I are fine, his wife has been rude to me in the past, but hopefully she has matured. The ex-friend is another matter. He/They broke my heart.
A year and a half ago the LORD burdened me with 3 couples who were in a doctrine that I believe is cult-like. Their particular church is waaaay cult-like. So I prayed. Then I prayed. Then I prayed non-stop. This all lead to some heartache. One couple left that church- Praise Him! The other two will no longer speak to me. One of them was my very best friend (the wife of the one mentioned above). We talked every day and saw eachother weekly or more. It was traumatic and like a death when they cut me out of their life. And... they will be there tomorrow night. I wasn't sure if I could go. I think I will.
But... all this to say, IS MY HEART CHANGED? In regards to my temper? in regards to 'me time'? in regards to 'heartstings with my children'? This weekend will show if so. I usually get very stressed when my dh is gone because I don't sleep well, which leads to a short temper, which leads to lack of self-control. Sounds like Scripture...."which leads to death". Don't want that. I want victory and rejoicing in my home.
So: will I shout? or will I praise? will I lose control? or will I walk in the Spirit? will I become frustrated if I have very little alone time? or will I see each opportunity as just that, an opportunity? will I show peace and gentleness to my ex-friends? or will I focus on *me* and cry?
I guess we'll see.
More tomorrow. |
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Right when I was about to start TSing, the tragedy week occurred. I was on the phone or down at the office or on the porch talking to staff or my dh too often to TS. My focus shifted to my dh and the Ranch. Then the holidays came. I just can't try to big things at one time: holiday activities AND a new drastic lifestyle change. BUT everyday I see why this TS thing (as weird as I think it sounds in some ways Ü) should be the way to go right now. My eldest is a person I don't like too much (gasp! don't hate me). She is very self-centered most of the time and manipulative. She struggles with lying and being mean. We've seen some real improvement in the last couple of months, but it is a really big heart issue problem. It's not that I *never* like her. Sigh. I do love her like crazy. BUT I think TS is the key for me. I need to be around her more. I need to see the fun things she does, says, shares Vs. being the umpire called in when things go badly across the house. Ya' know? I see how I've gotten here. It was pretty easy, actually. As they get older, they play together. I let them. I take care of the babies and the house and the 'work' and the older kiddos play in their rooms/whatever away from me. I can't stand the bickering and problems, but I keep letting them be alone. It seemed easier at the time, but longterm, I'm paying the price. Sigh. I see glimpses of her that are sweet and fun and kind, they are just few and far between. I don't want to feel this way. At all. And I certainly don't want to stay in this place. So... I need to be in the Word, in prayer and in the mindset of child training. We have company coming until the 3rd, so on the 4th... it's TS time. I need to reread, study and pray.
Dear LORD, You seem to not be letting this go. Help me. Keep me focused. Thank you for preparing me that this will be exhausting. Thank you, also though, for the encouragement that it will reap fruit. Help me. Guide me. I love you so much. Help me get to know my daughter better. Help me be the parent she needs, not the one she was given. in Your Son's name, Amen.
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I am sooo tired as I sit here. I can't believe I still have a couple of gifts to get. I shouldn't really, but I do. We said we were only getting this 'one' gift for my parents, but I can't do it. Have to buy a couple of more. Sigh. We need a couple of things from the store. Sigh.
BUT we just got home from looking at Christmas lights. We take hot chocolate up to the courthouse and walk around looking at the Christmas lights. The kids look forward to it every year. This is the 4th year, I think. It's fun. I laugh at home much they like doing it, because the lights are actually sorta lame, but... life through the kids' eyes. I love the decorations. The lights. The songs. The tree. The stockings. All of it. My love language is gifts, so this time of year is a high for me. I love giving just as much as I love receiving.
We have had a pretty good week. Not any crafts, but lots of laughs. Tomorrow we'll bake cookies and watch A Wonderful Life. Then church. Right now dh and some of his friends are putting up a big surprise for the kiddos. A hand-me-down nice play set. Big wooden kind with all the extra cool things: steering wheel, slide, trapeze bar, swings, etc. Plus, my inlaws sent us some money for the kids' Christmas and we bought a 'rock wall' to add to the set. They will wake up and get to play with it tomorrow. Fun!
I love sitting and looking at the Christmas tree and fireplace well all the other lights are out in the house.
Lord, Thank you for sending the Light of the world to us. Praise your name! Let us celebrate His birth! Amen |
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Very interesting thing happened tonight. Dh and I went to a big Christmas party. Was quite the shindig. Fancy food. Lots of people. Fancy clothes. Now, I'm not a big social gathering type of girl. I *really* like to get together with my friends. I used to go scrapbooking once a month. Love to meet friends for lunch or dinner or go shopping... whatever. But I don't like mingling kind of things. Small talk stuff with people I don't know that well. I should view it as an opportunity to share Christ, but I would just rather be with people I know and love. All that to say that what I'm about to say could partly have to do with how I feel about tonight... ... I felt out of place. Granted it's been a hard week and maybe I'm a bit melonchaly anyway, but I think it was more than that. I knew about 70% of the people. Some of them pretty well. It was a couples only kind of night. No kids. That didn't bother me too much. It was the "So glad to be away from the kids..." kind of thing. The let's dress up and impress others how cool we are king of thing. It felt very superficial. Very non-eternal. Now, don't get me wrong. I like to look nice on occasion. To feel pretty. To buy cool things on occasion (I just bought a new purse Thursday night at it cheered me up a bit. Some shopping therapy, I guess.). But this seemed a bit more than that. It also bothered me to see how much alcohol was being served. Again, until July of 2004, I drank on occasion. I was called to lay that at the alter. Don't think poorly of someone who has something on occasion, but this reminded me too much of the high school, "Let's be cool and drink while we're away from the kids (instead of parents)". I don't know. I felt like I was the only one there who would appreciate tomato staking. Now, I wasn't the only hser there. There was 1 other. She's in her first year and loudly talks about how she need her breaks, "I"m in San Antonio, don't call mommy, I'm on break." I think I may have sounded a bit like that a few years ago. Now it saddens me.
This may not all make sense. Basically, I'm saying that I think I saw a few of the changes God is doing me reflected in how I felt tonight. It's encouraging for me since I feel like such a failure so often. I see how He's drawn my heart to my children. Don't get me wrong, I *know* those mothers love their children, but I now see how they don't cherish them as much, treasure them as much, know their hearts as much because of how they feel about somethings. I was there, so I understand.
Thank you, Lord for drawing me away from self more. Don't stop. Keep drawing me toward You and away from me. Tie my childrens' hearts to mine. Help me. in Christ's Name, amen. |
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Well, I haven't started. Was going to start Monday, but Sunday night we had a tragedy happen. We live and work at a boys home (residential treatment center) and one of our boys died after a restraint. It's a long story... don't really want to go into it here, but I thought I should post why there have been no posts on my progress with tomato staking. I have been on the phone more than normally necessary or good, running up to the office, spending time alone reading Scripture and crying... etc. I have seen Him working on me, though. I haven't lost my temper much even in this difficult time. I haven't over eaten, either. But I was getting sick (allergies) last weekend and I guess due to lack of sleep and stress, it progressed to a sinus infection. So, I've been napping at odd times, too. I know only 3 people have 'traveled' to this blog, but since you were kind enough to be encouraging and ask for progress info, I thought I should post. On top of the big enough tragedy of losing a 12yo boy, 3 staff members were in a wreck Wednesday night and it looks like one of them may not make it. Trying times. But He is faithful. He is trustworthy. He is sustaining me/us. He has shown me how His Word can be a balm. I love Him so.
Dear Lord, You know my heart's cry this week. You know my pain. Thank you for ministering to me. Thank you for sustaining me. Thank you for your mercy. Please, Father, protect the Ranch. Please keep your work continueing here. Please...mercy for all. Please continue to make changes in my mothering- to glorify you more. in Jesus' Name, Amen |
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Tomorrow begins a new life for me.
Tomorrow is the day to start doing things together. Trying to adopt (somewhat) of Tam's Home Rules: working together and playing together. I will begin 'loose tomato staking' tomorrow. I will be kind. I will smile more. I will discipline promptly. I will start having them cover their mouth for using it poorly. I will have them stand by the wall if Grumpie. I will play and be fun. I will show them I love them on many levels. I'm nervous. Eldest dc is nervous (doesn't like the idea of swift discipline and swats for the serious ones again). I so want to do a good job. I want to see how this works. I'm excited, though.
Should be a real test since tonight has turned out to be so difficult here at the Ranch. I will be tired and will have to lean completely on the LORD to control my temper.
Lord, I trust You. I love You. I want to follow your leading. Help me tomorrow. Help me to smile and speak gently. Help me to train well. Help me to let go of my other issues. I give my mothering to you. In Christ's Name, Amen |
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Man! I want to do better. Truly. I want to have unconditional love for my children. I want them to feel loved daily all the way down to their bones. I want to cultivate a strong sense of family here. I'm finally catching on that that will require my daily dieing. Actually, for now I think it's hourly. I have such issues with anger and self-control that I have to lay my issues back on the altar every hour to experience victory. Tonight was my first flop in awhile. Struggled all day. I don't do well on little sleep and when my dh is gone. He is out of town for four days and I always fear that I will not do well when he is gone... that probably adds to my stress: fear of failure. He is such a helper for me and an encourager. I need to apologize to the children tomorrow and let His mercies be new to me tomorrow morning. Tam's post for yesterday was soooo perfect for me today. I don't know how I missed it, but I think God waited to have me read it until tonight when I needed the chastisement. I can't blame my loss of self control on my lack of sleep or on my dh being gone or the children's disobedience... only on my failure to allow my Savior to have reign in my heart. Sigh.
Lord, Make me new. Take my heart of stone and my weak spirit and replace it with a heart of flesh and strength in you. You are capable. You are willing. Please be LORD of my tongue and of my mind. Convict me when I dwell where I shouldn't. Keep my tongue from sinning. Let me sow good seeds in my children that I love sooo much. Why did you give such beatufiul gifts to such a weak woman? I sit here weeping at how deeply I love them. Remind me of this when I am in the moment. Speak to my heart of my love and desire to shepherd them as you want. Keep the enemy far from me. Let not his words of despair stay in my mind. You are the victor, not him. I can walk in victory through you. I love you so much, LORD. Help me show that to my children. In Christ's Name, Amen. |
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Well, I seem to be fluxuating between feeling like things are beginning to change and feeling like giving up because it's just too late and I"m a big ol' failure. sigh. I'm still not convinced about the tomato staking thing. Seems a big hyper critical to me? I would really like to see it in action. Maybe it's all about tone and what you are doing when you are not correcting? hmmmmm I really would like to see things be different. Our home is not ''that bad"... but it's not what I think the LORD could have it be. I think I need to be more humble, more submisive, more loving, more praise-giving, more fun... yet, I get bogged down in the activity that needs to be done: school, diapers, nursing, meals, dishes, etc. Again, that idea of doing the meals and cleaning together.... I feel like I am a piece of metal (already hardened) being put on the anvil for some reshaping. Not too pleasant and quite a bit unsure of how this reshaping is going to happen.
Lord, I'm at a loss here. Please give me some direction for exactly what you want me to do. I know that you want me to control my tongue. That one is obvious. I know you want me to praise my children more. Do you want me to use the method of tomato staking? more group activity? Please lead me. Give me a hope. Please help me believe that all is not lost with my firstborn. Please help me see that she is still a child, though headed into early adolescence, and that her ways are not totally set yet. Help me. Hold me up. I need You to do this. I can't. I know that deep within me. Please remove the pride inside me that whispers that if I just find the right method and stick to it, my children will be saved and I will have done a good job. Oh, how desperately do I want them to be saved, but that is between you and them. Help me be faithful with them, a good steward, but keep me from thinking that it all rests on me. In Christ's Name, Amen. |
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Slowly, I'm being changed. I would like to blink and be different already, but that's now how Our God works. He wants us to be involved in the change. Reminds me of Pilgrim's Progress... it's a journey, not a jump, KWIM? Since giving these heart issues to the Lord ('me time', my new schedule, 'enjoying' my kiddos more, remembering my priorities at the moments I need to), He has helped me see victories. Times when I have sat and played and not stressed about the house as much. Times when I've enjoyed doing the dishes and/or laundry (previously my dh's 'jobs') because I know it frees up my dh to play more, study Scripture more, relax... whatever. Times when I've almost physically felt my kiddos basking in my time with them. Times when I've held my tongue and given a 'gentle answer' and actually seen 'wrath' be held at bay in my eldest. These are awesome to me! I feel like 1)I'm becoming the mom I was with my firstborn again and 2)I'm becoming the woman of God He wants me to be. Every single thing that I've placed on the alter is worth that!!
Lord, Thank you for who you are. Thank you for loving me so much. Thank you for the changes you are bringing about in me. May all the chaff I speak/plant in my childrens' lives be blown away and not reap a harvest in their lives . Please continue to uphold me, strengthen me, and encourage me. I love you so, help me love you more. In Christ's Name, Amen. |
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After being challenged by Tam's posts and through a study with some sisters in Christ... I am on the verge of redefining my mothering. I want my home to be different than it is. I think the LORD does, too. Not an easy thing. He will come along side me though. Working together on cleaning? totally new thought. sounds fun and frustrating at the same time (like someone else said, "How do I get past the 'Move and just let me do it' mode?") Spending more 'fun' time with my blessings. Remembering to enjoy them. Putting my idol of 'me time' on the altar.
Dear Father, Draw me to You. That's the only way this will happen. Amen. |