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Man! I want to do better. Truly. I want to have unconditional love for my children. I want them to feel loved daily all the way down to their bones. I want to cultivate a strong sense of family here. I'm finally catching on that that will require my daily dieing. Actually, for now I think it's hourly. I have such issues with anger and self-control that I have to lay my issues back on the altar every hour to experience victory. Tonight was my first flop in awhile. Struggled all day. I don't do well on little sleep and when my dh is gone. He is out of town for four days and I always fear that I will not do well when he is gone... that probably adds to my stress: fear of failure. He is such a helper for me and an encourager. I need to apologize to the children tomorrow and let His mercies be new to me tomorrow morning. Tam's post for yesterday was soooo perfect for me today. I don't know how I missed it, but I think God waited to have me read it until tonight when I needed the chastisement. I can't blame my loss of self control on my lack of sleep or on my dh being gone or the children's disobedience... only on my failure to allow my Savior to have reign in my heart. Sigh.
Lord, Make me new. Take my heart of stone and my weak spirit and replace it with a heart of flesh and strength in you. You are capable. You are willing. Please be LORD of my tongue and of my mind. Convict me when I dwell where I shouldn't. Keep my tongue from sinning. Let me sow good seeds in my children that I love sooo much. Why did you give such beatufiul gifts to such a weak woman? I sit here weeping at how deeply I love them. Remind me of this when I am in the moment. Speak to my heart of my love and desire to shepherd them as you want. Keep the enemy far from me. Let not his words of despair stay in my mind. You are the victor, not him. I can walk in victory through you. I love you so much, LORD. Help me show that to my children. In Christ's Name, Amen. |
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