Note from Donna:  The health issues I’ve shared earlier are “cramping my style” at the moment, so I asked Luann to guest write for me for a couple of weeks. She is a member of one of the homeschool groups I belong to, and co-moderates the “fellowships” that are held at the Arlington, Texas Home & Hearth Book Fairs in May.  Luann was an only child herself, and she & her husband have a precious little girl. I can wholeheartedly recommend her to you all. She is a wealth of information and has researched homeschooling at least 10 years longer than her daughter has been here.

Donna asked me the other day to fill in for her while she’s getting herself healthy.   She’ll tell you that I’m the techie of our homeschool group. If you need someone to translate a manual, I’m your person. But, creative writing is her strength, definitely not mine. So, please be patient with me!

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about just how the world deals with families of three. Years ago, in concert, Bill Cosby discussed parenting and how trying it can be to deal with multiple kids. In the middle of his comic routine, he mentioned that parents of one aren’t really “parents” since they don’t have to deal with this issue, especially the “He’s touching me!” and “Stop hitting each other”. I’m sorry Bill, you can’t be more wrong. Of course we are parents and parenting just one has a whole set of issues in and of itself.  We can’t send our child off to play with siblings. We have to participate in all those games that take at least 2 to play (though 4 is still a problem). As for “Don’t touch me,” well, I’ve said that one to my daughter numerous times. There’s nothing like having a kid try to help while you are reaching for food from the supermarket freezer. Those things aren’t made for two!

With 2 children fast becoming the “normal” size of the American family, I’ve found that most family memberships are for 4 or more people. The one I have for our local museum is for 5. Sometimes it just irks me to have to pay the same rate as people with larger families.  Their savings are much greater than mine and consequently it takes us much longer to recoup the cost. Have you ever noticed that Six Flags offers membership packages if you buy 4 season passes, but not if you buy 3? Recently, we went on vacation to a nice resort and paid the weekly rate including 4 dinners each night. I seriously considered asking them to bring us the fourth dinner in a to-go box since technically we had paid for it!

Another issue is how other homeschoolers see us. How many times have you heard, “Wow, your child doesn’t act like an only child.” This translates to “I expected your child to be a spoiled brat and I’m surprised she’s not!” Yes, we can afford a bit more because we only have one. My daughter can take 2 classes at co-op whereas a family with two children may limit them to one each.   But, that doesn’t mean we are spoiling her. Just that our resources go further.    Trust me; we are on the short end of the stick in reusability of materials.  Everyone always looks at me strange when I let my daughter write in her textbooks, but I see no reason not to. 

Then, we have the quiverful movement. A very worthwhile thing if that is what God has called you to do.   God called my family to this as He has many parents of one. It wasn’t our plan but His. That doesn’t stop other parents from making assumptions about us. I’ve even had people say that we only have one because of some unrecognized sin in our life that is preventing God from blessing us with more. I’m sorry, but this thinking is just plain wrong. God has a plan for each family and it is His discretion. Children are a blessing and if having one of them is less of a blessing, than why does God bless us with only one husband? Wouldn’t two husbands be more of a blessing? Well, maybe not on Super Bowl Sunday at least.

Lastly, I’d like to talk about how we see ourselves. When talking to your friends about parenting, have you ever said, “I only have one, but….”? I know I’m guilty of this. In our culture, the word “only” is often used to show inferiority or cheapness:  “I only got 11 cookies in this dozen.” “That toaster only lasted 2 months.” “I only have one.” I think it’s time that we tried not to refer to our kids as “onlies.” We need to stop apologizing to all that we have one. 

We need to start rejoicing in our ones. We can give our kids great gifts that are harder in larger families. They can learn independence and leadership. They have to utilize these skills in their every day lives. They either learn to get along with a variety of people or they spend more time alone. But, even in the aloneness, they can learn not to be lonely. They easily adapt to being comfortable with just themselves. I’ve found that most kids in larger families have difficulty with this.  They need to have that hustle-bustle that larger families bring. 

So, in summary, stop apologizing for the size of your family especially if you are doing it in your own heart. When someone asks you when you are having more, look them squarely in the eye and say “God is happy with the size of our family!”  Give advice to others without starting that you have “only” one. Remember we are parents just as much as those with 2, 4, or even 14.

Luann

Donna Conner lives with her husband, Glenn, their son, Mike, and their beloved dog, Lucia, and calls Fort Worth, Texas home. Donna and Glenn have been homeschooling their son since the beginning of his education. Mike completes his homeschooling within the next two years. Donna is an artist and has always enjoyed writing. She wrote Homeschooling Only One three years ago, after discovering that there were many other families homeschooling only one child. Her website is devoted to those with only one student in their homeschool, with listings of online resources. You can visit her website at http://donnac.com and read her blog at http://homeschoolblogger.com/DonnaC