Fallacy Number Three

Homeschooling an only is a bad idea - the child's already "isolated" by being an only.

Only children are always spoiled, don't know how to mind, and don't know how to share.

Homeschooled only children will never learn how to relate to others.

The first commentary above, I won't spend much time on; suffice to say that with all of the opportunities that homeschoolers have today, it is quite unlikely that an only child will be isolated. Isolated as much as any other homeschooler, anyhow, unless the parents do not make any effort whatsoever. As with most homeschoolers, the homeschooling parents of onlies that I have been in contact with are extremely active in helping their child have social contact of all kinds.

The last statement above is just as logical as saying all homeschooled children will never learn how to relate to others. It's just not true. Different children advance in the social graces, or any other area of life, in varying ages. They are individuals and some may take time to find their own achievement levels. Perhaps reviewing a list of a few only children will help in seeing that "only" doesn't equate to social outcast, failure, and misfit.

Robin Williams ........................................ Natalie Portman

Rudy Giuliani ...................................... Kareem-Abdul Jabbar

Cary Grant ............................................. Cole Porter

Lauren Bacall ......................................... Elvis Presley

Frank Sinatra .......................................... Leonardo Da Vinci

Franklin D. Roosevelt ............................ Hans Christian Anderson

Gloria Vanderbilt ................................... Lisa Marie Presley

Julian Lennon .......................................... Alan Greenspan

Pertaining to the middle statement above, I've done an extremely informal and highly unscientific poll pertaining to "onlies being spoiled." I polled 2 message boards and placed a plea for votes on my blog. One message board is a mix of families with different family sizes. The other was at my HOO message board where the subject itself can be a sensitive topic, as they are confronted by it daily, sometimes, even if it is to hear the surprised tones of those remarking that their child isn't spoiled. I have also done some research pertaining to the "fact" that onlies are spoiled.

For the poll, I defined the rules as follows:

I know there are always a few exceptions to the rule, so think of the number of only children/adults you have come into contact, place them in the category they fall in and whichever category (A Stereotype OR Not A Stereotype) has the highest number, vote that way. Do not vote concerning your own child, just with both children and adults you have had contact with over the years.

 

Throughout your life, in your younger years up thru college and into your adult life, even presently, have you found overall that the stereotype for only children to be true or false...

 

Stereotype Only Child is true to your experience = Vote True

Only Child stereotype is not true to your experience = Vote False

The results came out as:

Only Children (in their experience) do follow the stereotype of being spoiled, self-centered, bossy, doesn't know how to share, and so forth ~~ 14 votes.

Only Children (in their experience) do NOT follow the stereotype of being spoiled, self-centered, bossy, doesn't know how to share, and so forth ~~ 12 votes.

These numbers represent individual personal experiences, and are a very small pool from which to gather such information, which emphasizes its nonscientific nature also. I thought it was interesting though. Of the ones who left comments, the majority said they knew children with siblings who were just as spoiled and self-centered.

In researching this column, I found an ERIC research report, published in 1997 (sited below), which shared that in the late 1800s E.W. Bohannon led the world to believe that only children do not do as well academically or socially as children with siblings. In the early 1920s, a professional in the field wrote: "It would be safer for the individual and the race that there should be no only children." For decades, prominent psychologist, psychiatrists, and scientists reinforced these beliefs, adding that only children are domineering, egotistical, selfish, overly-dependent, and maladjusted. As late as 1974, author Andrea Thompson, summarized the prevailing view of the only child as "generally maladjusted, self-centered, self-willed, attention-seeking, dependent on others, temperamental, anxious, generally unhappy and unlikable, yet somewhat more autonomous than a child with two siblings."

Recent studies, however, suggest that only children are not spoiled or maladjusted. When Dr. Toni Falbo (see below) came on the scene in the 1980s, her goal was to take the mass of existing information, conduct a scrupulous, comprehensive examination of 20th century research findings and produce reliable, definitive data. She culled through and analyzed more than 100 studies involving only children and reached the un-provocative, but highly newsworthy, conclusion that they were remarkably similar to their peers in most every way. Her findings were published in a book called "The Single Child Family," in which a century's worth of scholarship revealed that single children are not disadvantaged. They, in fact, seem to enjoy slight advantages in certain areas. "Rather than overindulge only children, parents may tend to push them to high achievement and have elevated expectations [for them]," says Falbo.

The ERIC report only interviewed 10 parents of only children in Bronx Head Starts, and 9 out of the 10 parents were still in their twenties. They found that the parents and their teachers answered the questions with a slight lead on the negative aspect of onlies, which contradicted recent studies. I propose that if the study had surveyed a larger group, not just of the younger generational parents of onlies, and included stay-at-home moms that they might have had a bit more positive results. It was never stated, but sounded like these were 2 income families whom they interviewed. The report, concluded that the stereotype of the only child is still influencing popular opinion.

There is no mention of the parenting style, only that the "only child is spoiled," or "acts spoiled," when one is accosted by this mindset. I have never heard anyone mention parenting style when they start talking about "onlies being spoiled," no mention or commentary seems to be given to the parent; no fingers pointed. More than likely, parental involvement is not mentioned because that is an "unspoken" subject. No one wants to confront another parent about their parenting style. Friendships and acquaintances can be lost forever over discussions of one's parenting style! But the problem is that that is the major cause in the stereotype. The child's personality may come into play and so, also, if there are other issues being dealt with. I would still put more emphasis on the parents than the child. Even with a very stubborn, strong-willed child, surely there are other ways to reach him or her. It's as if just the fact of having no siblings means that an only will be, unequivocally spoiled.

I would not place a child into the "spoiled" category, automatically, if there are other mitigating circumstances concerning their behavior-if the child were in the autistic spectrum, had attachment disorder, or had a mental or physical disability. I think parents have a greater struggle when they are dealing with any of these, as well as just trying to raise an individual. It can be a very daunting job. I remember a childhood friend who had a disability, she was not an only child, but she was the most spoiled & demanding person I had ever met. Parents have to work against the instinct to give the child all they ask for due to whatever handicap the child may have.

Yes, there will always be spoiled children and some of them may not have any siblings. But it is far past the time for society to stop labeling children with no siblings as being maladjusted, self-centered, and spoiled, just because they have no siblings.

One thought from an Only herself, it is weird to be lumped into a category just because one doesn't have siblings. For an example, when anyone found out I was an only in grade school or high school, the first reaction was an automatic, "But you're not spoiled!!" When I meet someone on the street and find out they have 2 siblings, I don't remark, "Wow, you know how to share!" or something inane like that... Being an only is automatically lumped in this "spoiled, self-centered" category and if you are an only, you have never had much of a say.

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Read about Dr. Toni Falbo's research at this site:

http://www.utexas.edu/features/archive/2004/single.html

Spoiled or Spectacular? A Look at the Only Child, from ERIC-Education Resources Information Center, is a study you can read in a PDF format (that's what will pop up) at:

http://eric.ed.gov/ERICWebPortal/contentdelivery/servlet/ERICServlet?accno=ED415981

It's Abstract states:

The only child has traditionally been thought to lack appropriate social skills, self-esteem, or friends. Recent research, as summarized in this paper, contradicts these popular beliefs. In level of achievement and intelligence, only-children appear to have an advantage over children with siblings; research on their sociability and self-esteem has also revealed positive aspects. An interview conducted with parents and teachers of 10 4-year-old only-children in a Bronx Head Start program showed that stereotypes against only children are still influencing popular opinion. Teachers viewed only-children as more attention-seeking, more mature and intelligent, and tending to have undeveloped social skills. Parents expressed concern about their children's social skills, need for attention, and shortage of playmates, but felt that higher lifestyles and maturity levels were benefits of being only-children.

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Donna Conner lives with her husband, Glenn, their son, Mike, and their beloved dog, Lucia, and calls Fort Worth, Texas home. Donna and Glenn have been homeschooling their son since the beginning of his education. Mike completes his homeschooling within the next two years. Donna is an artist and has always enjoyed writing. She wrote Homeschooling Only One three years ago, after discovering that there were many other families homeschooling only one child. Her website is devoted to those with only one student in their homeschool, with listings of online resources. You can visit her website at  http://donnac.com and read her blog at

http://homeschoolblogger.com/DonnaC

copyright © 2006 Donna Conner

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