I spent the last week with my extended family. Since I'm about done with my homeschooling journey (only a year and a half to go, with 11½ years under my belt), I haven't had very many dialogues in recent years concerning out educational choices for my son. Someone asked how old he was and if he was graduating this year (he graduates in '08), so it was pretty "low-key" when it came up. I have been extremely blessed with both sets of grandparents (and subsequent extended family) being supportive of whatever educational path we took. Concerned at times, but never overstepping the bounds and trying to be the parent of their grandchild. I know that I am blessed, and not every homeschooling family has such a luxury.

Even though I've not had much personal, first-hand, negative experiences to share, here are a few pointers that I've created. You need to be prepared for the inevitable conversations that will come up, and will probably come up more than once, during your homeschooling years.

1) Make sure you do your research before you open this subject, and that you have made a firm decision on homeschooling before you encounter your relatives. If you are still not sure and are in the process of deciding, why bring this up with individuals who may be offended in some way with this education choice? They may indeed be supportive, but they may also be antagonistic, seeing your choice as a commentary on how you were raised. If you know that you will be homeschooling, and know the reasons why, then it will be easier to approach them and let them know what path you are taking.

2) Don't sound defensive. Even if they sound like they are attacking you, keep your wits about you. When you start sounding like you are defending yourself, it can appear that your stand is not as secure as it should be. "Maybe you don't have all your facts or haven't heard what we've heard," your relatives may think. Make your replies in a "matter-of-fact" manner. Don't sound like you are close-minded, but that you've researched and have made the very best decision for your child.

3) Don't sound indecisive or wishy-washy. If you use phrases such as "we're thinking of homeschooling" or "we may homeschool the first year only," or even "we'll be taking it one year at a time," you will present the idea that you haven't made up your mind as yet. This can give your relatives a toe-hold to start their counter measures. You need to wait until you have a decision made about homeschooling, if you think you will get any grief from your or your spouse's extended family. If you have decided that you will homeschool only until a certain age or learning level, you don't have to share that information. (Besides, if you change your mind down the road, more than likely you'll be up for another major discussion.) If you are going to go "one year at a time" and see how it goes, you don't have to share that. Again, that can give the wrong message to the family. Sounding "strong" can help when dealing with those "outside" your household. Remind yourself that you have to be the parent of your own child. You don't have to be disrespectful to your parents and loved ones, but you can be firm and present a healthy boundary when you announce you will be homeschooling.

4) Don't be argumentative yourself. State your position, or even better, just let them know that you are planning to homeschool. See how their reaction is, give them answers to questions they may have. If you approach them in a confrontational manner, it could set the tone of the whole discussion. Do your homework beforehand and present this alternative educational choice as something very normal and beneficial. Don't give them every bit of information that you've discovered. You are most likely excited and energized about your decision and all of the information you have found. That's great! But you don't have to do a song-and-dance in front of your relatives. Be basic, but answer their questions to the best of your knowledge. Don't "beat a dead horse;" however, so be informative, strong, matter-of-fact, and don't present an argument-in-the-making, daring them to contradict you.

5) Keep your answers short; if they want more information, they will ask. It's similar to a particular portion of private-health information presented to children. Sometimes they are not ready to hear all of the nitty-gritty details. When a child asks "where did I come from," the parents are wise to ask a bit more information to know whether the child just wants to know if he was born in the current city in which he lives, or wants more specific data about how he arrived in this world. And even if it is the latter, it is the wise parent who presents "bite-size" facts, allowing the child to lead the conversation to the proper depth for that child. Even so, for some children, the answer must be: "When you are older and we know you are ready for this information, we will sit down with you again."

Same thing goes for family members concerning homeschooling, although you don't want to sound condescending in your approach. There may be a time in your conversations that you may need to "retreat," putting an end to an extended debate. Allow them the time to digest all you've shared, and the possible "shock to the system."  Make sure you don't overwhelm them with your exuberance! Your presentation doesn't need to take over the whole time you are visiting with them. Offer to lend them some of your "beginning homeschooling" books, so they can read up on it from those who have "been there, done that."

6) If you know they have differing ideologies/belief systems, choose your words carefully. For you, perhaps homeschooling allows you to teach a strong Christian worldview. If your relatives are atheists, you don't want to focus on that. You can put more emphasis on the in-depth study you and your child can spend on history, for example, which of course you will do from your own worldview. There is no reason to antagonize your extended family! Remember that they love your child and want the best for him or her also.

7) Go easy on them when it comes down to "socialization"! Those who are homeschooling tend to roll their eyes when the inevitable question comes to socialization. It's just not as big a deal as those outside of homeschooling think it is. However, when you have an only child, it should be given some consideration. It's obvious that your family doesn't have "built-in" playmates for your child to learn sharing, as well as other such day-to-day, important lessons. You don't want to disparage your family's concern. Mention that there are many homeschool groups to interact with, and outside classes abound today for those not in an institutional setting. Find the right balance in your answer, without belaboring your point.

I hope that some of these pointers help you as you present your extended family with your decision to homeschool. I hope your discussons with your loved ones go well and they can be supportive to you and and your child. Having the family in your corner, not fighting you every step of the way, is a blessing.

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