Last week, I spoke on support groups in general with The Support Group Blues. Today’s column will address the needs of those who have only one child when it comes to support groups.

Leaders and Members alike need to be aware that those with only one student have different issues than the average homeschooler. Larissa Kay of Eclectic Homeschool wrote, when reviewing my book, “Having more than one homeschooled child myself, I had never before considered some of the special challenges faced by parents who are homeschooling only one. Leaders need to understand these challenges and how best to help the parent.” 

Just being sensitive to those with only one student (only child or otherwise) is a primary step. When a question or a plea for help is expressed, stating the obvious is not what is helpful, e.g. answering, “Oh, you have it much easier than I do with four children!” For one thing, that may or may not be a true statement. It is definitely a generalization which normally does not ring true in most real-life instances. What is hard or easy for one is most likely going to be the opposite for someone else. For another, it does not validate the plea nor make the questioner feel like a “real homeschooler,” nor that their needs are important. 

Most, if not all, support group activities are extremely important to those who only have one child. The over-publicized socialization issue is more of an issue when one doesn’t have a “built-in play group” in their family size. We have to seek out social interaction, play groups, field trips, and park days for our child. It’s also important to us to give our child opportunities for one-on-one time with another child. Being involved in a support group helps us to find other like-minded families and hopefully therefore a child who will connect with our own as a best friend. For those who have many children, they can be so busy with life that they forget to be hospitable, making room for one more for an afternoon or a couple of hours. Those who have only one end up initiating all activities, often without any reciprocal consideration by the other family. I have heard from many moms who say that the mom with a full house often looks at them like they sprouted another head when it comes to meeting at a park for a morning or afternoon of free play. With their built-in play group, they don’t necessarily have to leave their home, and due to so many children, may be out of their home more than they can handle anyhow. Having a support group as a whole understand our need to get together one-on-one is helpful. Having individual families make room for one more is priceless to us.

As much as activities are seen as important by the one-child family, having a super-structured support group can be overwhelming and more than what they can handle. Finding the right mix of member volunteerism and “busyness” can be difficult. For all members, no matter their family size, having a group that has a good balance is key. For some once a week activities are too much, for others once a month is just right. Sometime it’s helpful to have a built-in play date on a given day of every month, so the membership (and visitors) know that there may be a crowd turning up or they might be on their own, (i.e. having the third Friday be a Park Day, meeting at a particular park in town at 10 am). The same could go for a Moms' Night Out at a restaurant--put it on the calendar and that way those who need it have it available.

As groups survive with volunteer help, it’s important to have people realize that being the parent of one takes just about the same amount of time as it does with many. I’ve just recently heard a frightful story of a group member accuse another for being selfish because “every child needs a sibling.” This accuser went on to say it was selfish having only one because of having too much time to do as one might please. Of course, the assumption here was that having one child was a conscious and purposeful choice for this particular mom, which was far from the truth. This can be a very private issue involving infertility or even the death of a child. Sometimes, this "family size question" may be a purposeful choice or something thrust upon the parents by circumstances. Either way, this should be between God and the couple, and is no one else’s business, other than to reach out to them in love where they find themselves. Judging a family based on family size should never be allowed nor encouraged. 

There are also other expectations or subtle judgments being made about those of us who have only one. The undercurrent feeling seems to be that we’re a bit odd, not having more than one child. Most likely they are just not thinking. They may not mean their words to be unkind. However if they were the one on the receiving end, would they take these kinds of judgments very well?

There can be an expectation that with only one we are extremely available, while another mother is not, to do whatever “legwork” might need doing for the group. With only one child, there is only one nap time, probably the same for those with many children: they all go down at the same time. When does the mother get to leave and go do something she would like to do, or is suddenly available to do the errand-running for the group? There may be times where they are able to work within their daily schedule (one child or many) to work for the group, but it should not be assumed that having only one child automatically implies the time is there. When we homeschool, we are in charge of our child (or children) for 24/7. I’d like to see what that accusing lady had in mind when she felt the mother had so much free time. The only free time I got was when my husband was home and I got to leave the home for a bit, or be “off duty” at home when he was there if I didn’t want to leave the house. Besides the lack of logic to this accusation, all of this is terribly judgmental, harsh, and is throwing stones at someone whose past is not necessarily public knowledge. Does anyone truly wish to be unfairly judged? Think before you speak! And remember that you may not have all the facts in the case. 

Another judgment is about the character of the only child. One lady had someone assume her daughter was selfish or a brat when they had not even spent any time with that child. I have a feeling it is a case of the “one bad apple spoiling the barrel.” I am sure that at some point in that person’s past they had come across a Spoiled Only, and that made them jump to the conclusion that ALL only children must be spoiled. I’ve never been a fan of zero tolerance as it does not take into account the individual person nor the circumstances surrounding that individual. Assuming all only children are spoiled is taking a “zero tolerance” attitude. Does anyone truly like being lumped together in one group without regard to personal circumstances?

One HOO member wrote, “People assume that an only will be shy, selfish, self centered, spoiled, rude and generally speaking, a brat, yet when they see this behavior in multi-children families they don't say, ‘Oh he must have siblings that's why.’ It is definitely an odd observation to note that those who have children with the ‘only child mannerisms’ weren’t ‘cured’ because the family had more children. There seems to be a tendency to be quick to assume that an only will always have those characteristics—in triplicate. In a way, it’s like when people say someone is shy or socially inept because they are homeschooled. More than likely, that shy or socially inept person is that way because of who they are, personality-wise.” They would be that way whether they were in public or private school. It’s not where they are educated or if they have siblings or not, which determines a child’s character. It is their upbringing and what the parents allow or do not allow. Many parents of onlies would welcome more children, not because they feel their child must have a sibling or built-in playmate, but just because they would love to do it all over again, being able to share the love.

From replies to last week’s column, I’ve heard there is a lot of apathy in groups. People are not wanting to step up to plate to do their part to make their group a success. One mom remarked that she felt this was “based in part because so many of these folks have many children and don't really feel like they are getting much from their support group.” Whether you have one or many children, realize that being part of a group is a good thing. A successful homeschool support group needs all of its members working together, no matter their family size. Grace should be extended for those who are at the end of their rope, but even those who are overwhelmed might be able to take one portion of a job to help the group as a whole. Breaking down a large duty into smaller portions helps to carry the load. Those who can’t handle a big job like being the newsletter editor or head of the phone tree can still help the group be successful for everyone. And those who have more than one child but aren’t sure what the group is doing for them may need to consider membership duties simply as the “price” of having group field trips and other times for their children to spend with others of diverse ages. Their involvement helps those who have only one student who need that interaction with other children, so there is a bigger picture if they are willing to see it that way. 

In conclusion, I’d like to have everyone who is involved in a group, or who is needing to be in a group, to stop and think before you start being judgmental. It’s a slippery slope for anyone when they start pointing fingers and accusing others of sins. As Jesus said, “He who is without sin should throw the first stone,” and I doubt that there is a one of us who has that distinction. Support groups are supposed to be for everyone’s benefit and support. Remember that the reason we’re on this earth is to serve one another. As you get involved with your own local group, please keep these things in mind. I hope your coming year (and years to come) are all they need to be for your family, whether you have one child or many.