I’m really hopeful that those who have many children or have the “Quiverful Philosophy” as their own would leave some comments to share after reading this column. I pray the comments can be civil and loving, and we can truly get some good dialogue going between those who have quiverfuls and those whose quivers have only one arrow. Perhaps the comments that HOO’ers (those who Homeschool Only One) receive are not meant as they are perceived. Although for some comments, it’s hard not to assume the worse. A few examples of comments that HOO’ers have gotten, as well as the HOO’ers’ thoughts on the subject, are as follows:

Tammy wrote, “I have actually had Christian ‘friends’ look down on me with sadness because I have only one. Like I somehow was cursed or God did not want to bless me as much as them. It makes me feel like I am inferior somehow.”

Jennifer wrote, “The one comment that always gets to me is, ‘....you only have one so you probably don't understand’...I almost feel judged somehow by a comment like that. I have a mental dialogue going on in my head, and really try to ‘bite my tongue’ and not defend, if you will, why GOD made our family the way He did. I usually don't say anything. I've often felt hurt by silly comments people make, but realize that people just say things out of ignorance. Having an only [child] has been such a wonderful blessing, just as God planned for us..…”

Carrie wrote, “I'd have several children if I could! I just wish that people could just get off this topic and leave married people to make this decision about family size before God on their own! I never judge people for their family size but I have heard all the comments ‘Hope he's not spoiled!’ ‘Don't you want a sibling for him?’ ‘You'll really know what being a mother means when you have another one.’ I've learned to answer all questions about our family's size by saying ‘why do you ask?’ This usually stops people.”

Donna H. wrote, “I have never even thought of evaluating anyone's righteousness or godliness by the size of their family. If that were the case, Abraham and Sarah were not very godly, nor Elizabeth and Zachariah. Esther was an adopted (and apparently an 'only') and saved the entire Jewish nation. Was Samson an only? (Can't remember) I mentioned John the Baptist. Hannah had 'only' Samuel. And then there's Jesus (God's Only)!! … Some pretty amazing 'only's!!!!” (Hannah was blessed later in life with more children, but after being barren and then having Samuel, it was like Samuel was an only. “And the LORD visited Hannah, so that she conceived, and bare three sons and two daughters.” I Samuel 2:21.)

Stacey wrote, “[I] went to one of our local home school co-op orientations [where] I got hit HARD. I walked in with DD who was 5 at the time. The lady in charge asked me why I didn't bring all of my children. I told her that I did bring all of my children. She looked shocked and said that it would be difficult for me in this particular co-op with only one child…. When I pressed the issue trying to understand what difference it made, she got testy and told me that they were very pro-family and she just felt that a person who only had one child obviously wasn't. It made me feel like they felt I was anti-family! I left very disheartened…. Another time (again at a Christian home school co-op) I was told that they only accepted families with at least 3 children. Stacey continued, “We all need to make a conscious effort to think before we speak!”

Perhaps those who have strong Quiverful persuasions are just plain unthinking. As Jen wrote, “I really believe that most people who have more than one child or who never had problems conceiving a child, really [don’t] think about it. They see the verse about many children being a blessing & are excited about their own children - never really thinking about those who are in a different situation. I think they say things without really thinking at all how it sounds to others.” One can hope that it is just pure thoughtlessness which spurs on some comments. Harder to accept would be that people speak knowing that their words are hurtful.

I almost feel like taking the position of the snake in the Garden, saying, “Did God really say….?” So has God actually come out and said, “You who have MANY arrows in your quiver are blessed above and beyond those who have only one or even none?” The verse that is so often used states, “Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.” Psalm 127:4-5 (King James Version) There is no mention of number. Yes, happy is the man whose quiver is full of those arrows, but is it an understood thing on how many arrows each man’s quiver should hold? ...must hold? God determines the number of children. A + B does not always = C, no matter how much mankind may think it does. It’s not an automatic conclusion. God opens and closes the womb. “He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD.” (Psalm 113:9 KJV) He is also the One who spoke in Isaiah 54:1: “Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child: for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the LORD.” (KJV)

I have done a bit of a study on the places in the Old Testament where it mentions the barren woman. I am no trained Bible scholar, so I may not have each point down perfect, so please give me grace. Of course, it is a place of great joy and rejoicing to be able to have many children. Especially in Old Testament times, as well as in other agricultural times and places, it was extremely important to have many children. More hands to work the fields, flocks, and herds. Those who had none were reproached and looked down on. Look at how the two sisters who married Jacob fought to have more children and used those half-brothers against one another. (Genesis 29+) And even now, I would heartily agree that it is still a great blessing to have many children. There are many pros to having a large family—sibling relationships, caring for the elderly parent, etc. There is no argument in my book against those who have many children. That choice is between husband, wife, and God.

Thanks to Linda for sending links to Matthew Henry Complete Commentary on the Whole Bible online with this particular passage:

In the increase of the family. He shows, 1. That children are God's gift, Psalms 127:2. If children are withheld it is God that withholds them (Genesis 30:2); if they are given, it is God that gives them (Genesis 33:5); and they are to us what he makes them, comforts or crosses.

And with this passage:

That they had been long childless, Luke 1:7. Children are a heritage of the Lord. But there are many of his heirs in a married state, that yet are denied this heritage; they are valuable desirable blessings; yet many there are, who are righteous before God, and, if they had children, would bring them up in his fear, who yet are not thus blessed, while the men of this world are full of children (Psalms 17:14), and send forth their little ones like a flock, Job 21:11. Elisabeth was barren, and they began to despair of ever having children, for they were both now well stricken in years, when the women that have been most fruitful leave off bearing. Many eminent persons were born of mothers that had been long childless, as Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Samson, Samuel, and so here John Baptist, to make their birth the more remarkable and the blessing of it the more valuable to their parents, and to show that when God keeps his people long waiting for mercy he sometimes is pleased to recompense them for their patience by doubling the worth of it when it comes.

I have even heard of ladies who have had direct comments saying that there must be some “hidden sin” that has caused their childlessness. Deuteronomy 7:11-14 does indeed say that if the people keep the Lord’s commandments, His statues and judgments, He will bless the fruit of their womb (no number is mentioned however), and that there shall not be male or female who are barren. It is possible that sin can indeed be an issue on why one is unable to have any children (or just one). But it is also very true that in this fallen world, the just are still afflicted with barrenness, illness, cancer, and death. However, is it the role of a fellow believer to make that judgment call pertaining to barrenness? To be hurtful and ask a woman if she has any hidden sin… don’t you think she has already spent sleepless nights petitioning to the Lord, asking Him what the answer is?

Deuteronomy 7:15 says, “And the LORD will take away from thee all sickness, and will put none of the evil diseases of Egypt, which thou knowest, upon thee; but will lay them upon all them that hate thee.” I believe God’s word, but I also know that He allows things in this life which we can neither understand or fathom. Hannah also knew this, as she rejoiced at God’s giving her Samuel with words similar to Job’s “the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.” (Job 1:21-22) Hannah’s words are recorded in I Samuel 2:6-7, “The LORD killeth, and maketh alive: he bringeth down to the grave, and bringeth up. The LORD maketh poor, and maketh rich: he bringeth low, and lifteth up.”

Michele wrote, “I think, however, the most important thing that people miss when they ‘enforce’ the quiver-full notion on others is that the primary issue is one of obedience, to both God and our husbands. … God knows what's best for us and He knows our hearts. If we believe on that and submit to it, then where we are is where we should be—whether it's one child or many. ”

Briva wrote, “I think any comment on how different you are from the 'standard' or perceived 'God's way' is wrongful judgment. God blesses each family with children or not, and it's in His timing, too. We should all rejoice with those with many, or onlies, or just a couple...a family's a family, no matter how small (or big!).” So often, we as HOO’ers feel the sting of comments about our family’s size, but often those with more children feel the sting all too often also—only directed in the other direction, and most often by the public at large, those not homeschooling. We all have to remember that “anything outside of the ‘norm’ is a target,” as Christina wrote.

Job laments that those who are “evil” in this world “prey on the barren and childless woman” in Job 24:21 (KJV). The New Century Version words it this way, “These evil people abuse women who cannot have children…” So often those with only one child also fall in the category of “women who cannot have children” and the one they have was truly a miracle of God’s work. Should they continue to be abused by fellow Believers in their family size? I surely do not think so. As James said in essence, “My [sisters], this should not be.” In James 3:9-11, he wrote, “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and saltwater flow from the same spring?” Why does number of children have to continue to divide the Body of Christ? Let us “rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep,” (Romans 12:15) instead. From all the ones I have been in contact, HOO’ers truly do rejoice with those who rejoice when they are blessed with more children. They also weep from the heart with those who have had to deal with infertility, miscarriage, and death of children. Should not the mother who has been blessed with many children not do the same?

Donna Conner lives in Fort Worth, TX with her husband, Glenn, their son, Mike, and their dog, Lucia. Donna and Glenn have been homeschooling their son since the beginning of his education. Mike completes his homeschooling this year. Donna is an artist and has always enjoyed writing. She wrote Homeschooling Only One five years ago, after discovering that there were many other families homeschooling only one child. Her website is devoted to those with only one student in their homeschool, with listings of online resources. You can visit her website at  http://donnac.com and read her blog at: http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/DonnaC

copyright © 2008 Donna Conner ~~ All rights reserved. Content may not be reproduced in any form without written permission of author, except in the case of brief passages embodied in critical reviews and articles where the title and author are listed.