Welcome again to Special words for special needs. This week we are going to be talking about the all important Thanksgiving family meal. Yes, I do mean the large group of happy, noisy loved ones that cram into grandma's house once or twice a year.   Does this bring a gentle smile to your face or more like tears as you consider the rages, stemming and other unacceptable behaviors.  Or do the words of Uncle Bob ring in your ears still, "In my day we would have just given him a good spanking and all this nonsense would be done with!"  Instead of a time you must get through, use this as a wonderful social learning time. Not often can we get together a group of loving, truly concerned people together to help teach your child some group social skills.  

First step is to scope out  the location. Is this get together at a home near by? Is it a home your child is use to?  Yes, great you don't have to worry about the location, just remind you child of a previous good trip there so that you are relating it to a good memory. If not is there a way to arrive early and get use to the home first?  

Also consider how far you can successfully travel.  Can your daughter really stay in the car for a three hour ride and then be in a strange place for a family meal?  Is it possible to travel a day early?  This can be more time involved and expensive. Consider the alternative; you drive  three hours to see family, your little girl rages in mid-introductions and then proceeds to head bang on a wall until you take her out to the car. Where you wait while hubby has a meal and brings you a cold plate. Then you drive three hours back home again. 

Next the parade of relatives. If you have a little time try copying off a family tree and putting pictures next to the names. This helps children connect the abstract idea of family relations with a real concrete  picture. Now the hugs and kisses are doled out but your little one can't take it. One trick I have found that works well is to give your child objects to hand out. Hand made turkeys or stars. If their hands are occupied and they have a job to do it can be just enough distraction to take away the initial panic of too many people. Also have a parent handy during the introductions to gently discourage a lot of hugging, kissing or teasing.  

On to the dinner!!  Are you expected to sit through a formal meal?  If so practice ahead of time. Not only to teach your child manners to use, but also to see where the problems lie. Does your child get lost in the reflection of water? If so the glass of water right at his eye level may be too much temptation.  Also have an escape plan. Choose which parent will take your child out and when or if they should try to return.  Talk to your host ahead of time so they are not upset at people suddenly leaving the table. 

At my in-laws there is a casual atmosphere but the kids are seated at the children's table. We found that if my son could see us he did MUCH better. You can see about recruiting a  family member to be a buddy, pick a child that knows your child quirks.

Talk with your host ahead of time and choose a time out place. This is a place where, when things are too intense, your child can retreat to and calm down. This can be an upstairs bathroom that is not being used for the group. A guest room, or other extra room that is not as intense, hot and overwhelming. 

Finally be ready to leave when your child cannot calm down. This may mean that you only stay two hours. That is a shame and I feel vaguely guilty when I leave family get together's early. But every time we have tried to stay longer behavior dissolves into raging and self destructive behaviors. Leaving early rather than forcing a longer stay will leave everyone with a better feeling about the get together. 

While Thanksgiving and the holidays can be a great way to enlarge your child's abilities, think also of your family. When you are asked questions about autism and in general the problems your child displays be ready with a gentle answer. My husband and I have two levels of answers. One level is for the people that ask you out of social form not a true desire to know or so that they can tell you what you are doing wrong. These people get bland general answers so that I am not encouraging the conversation to get private. The second is for people who honestly want to know or help. I will sit and answer whatever asked for how ever long needed. 

For children with autism there are general everyday dangers that are magnified in the holiday hustle and bustle. Take the time to stake out areas of concern. The house you are going to will most likely have decorations up. Decorations can catch an autistic's attention such as twinkling lights or shiny crystal vases.  Alert those in the kitchen about your child's lack of danger sense so that no one puts down hot foods next to them. Be aware that a lot of people are going in and out so watch the doors carefully if you have a runner on your hands. If you child is prone to walking or running off and is not responsive to returning to you or unable to talk you may want to consider a child locator.  

Okay I know that is a lot to consider and work through. Take it in small chunks. I know that when my husband and I prepare for a big outing with the kids we talk about one or two items then stop. Talk again later letting everything settle in. Be prepare to relax the rules a little. Some stemming in the time out room to help with calming could be considered. Work together as a team with your husband and family. Pray on the way in; pray while you are there; and pray when you leave!

Happy Thanksgiving! God Bless!

Heather lives in West Virginia. She and her husband have been homeschooling their 5 children for 7 years.  Due to a genetic disorder their children have multiple special needs. Living life to the fullest for the glory of God is their goal!  Visit Heather's page at  www.homeschoolblogger.com/gfcfmomofmany/

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