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Special Words for Special Needs ~ Do Special Needs and Divorce Have to Go Hand in Hand?

2:24 AM, Feb. 27, 2009

Special Words for Special Needs. After reading all the newsletters this week I realized the month of Love is almost over. Where to start? At the begin seems fitting.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful , and multiply , and replenish the earth, and subdue it : and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.
Genesis 1:27-28

God designed us to have help mates. This is incredibly vital when the needs of the family are pressing and ongoing as in a special needs situation. The divorce rate in this country, christian or non christian, is about 50%. Some rates go as high as 80-85% when you have a child with a special need--these rates were given for families with autistic children. So why are families that most need the extra help divorcing? Also why are christians divorcing just as fast?

I can't really answer those questions. I can point out some raw areas and hopefully give some tips to help them. My husband and I have been married for thirteen years. We have made it through military deployments. We have both been chronicly ill for the last couple of years. We have lost two beautiful children. We also deal daily with the medical, emotional and learning issues of our children. We are no stranger to financial difficulty. We had to go a year and a half with no job and very little money. The strains we have felt and overcome I hope will help guide you.

The biggest problem in marriages, financial problems. The strains of one income are usually there for homeschooling families. Now add in medical co-pays, gas to get to the appointments, prescriptions, and extra learning equipment. You can quickly become what my husband affectionately calls, medically broke.

-Try looking into any state programs you feel comfortable with. Careful some states and programs come with strings attached.
-HSLDA has a charitable organization that can assist with members special needs, Homeschool Foundation You need to be a member and apply.
-Ask at the dr/specialist/therapist's office to see if they have an in-house special circumstances financial program.
-Look into the makers of your medicines; some have special programs that help you get discounted or free medicines.
-Econobusters has a few very good articles on how to cut some cost corners on medicines and health.

Another sore spot, time. The extra time involved in meeting the needs of your child can become a problem. This is at its worse when your spouse's love language is quality time ( for more information on read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.) They crave your time to feel fully loved. Your child needs you to care for them and soon you feel trapped in the middle.

-Stop you can not be everything to everyone. Set your Godly priorities. Give time to God, your spouse, your children, your health, and well being.
-Write out a schedule so that others can help you.

Physical work is part of parenting children with special needs. This is quite noticable when the child is physically disabled. The work you put in moving them, or chasing after your autistic child, or dealing with all the sleepless nights of feeding schedules. These can all sneak up and physically exhaust you. You can hurt your own health if you are not careful. Then where is the energy to be a good spouse? Even the ability to sit and listen to your spouse talk and not fall asleep!

-Find a babysitter or relative that can watch your child even if it is only long enough for you to take a long walk around the neighborhood.
-Be upfront and honest with your spouse. Have them take one whole night of wakings, then the next night you trade.
-Workout when you can. Be as healthy as you can. You have a spouse that needs you and a child that is relying on you to be there and able for a long time.

The hardest to repair once strained are emotions. There is a large strain dealing with a child that has delays or an inability to communicate clearly. As a parent and provider you want to care and comfort your child. When the way to do that is blocked frustration moves in. That frustration can lash out at anyone. Unfortunately you spouse is often the nearest target. Or, you are so spent that you shut down at the end of the day.

-Deal with argument before you go to bed that night!
-Seek help if you feel the problems are escalating or not being resolved and just simmering.
-Check out the resources of Focus on the Family

These are the extra stressors that can affect our families. Staying together through them is a matter of decision rather than emotions. I know my emotions rocket up and down especially when I have little to no sleep. I stay and do not think of leaving because I vowed to God and my husband that we are in this through thick and thin.

If you are facing that mountain of anger and bitterness that has built up between you and your spouse, realize you can only control your reactions. Give the pain, anger, bitterness, and unworthy thoughts over to the Lord. Get help! There is no shame in seeking Godly counsel on such an important issue. Tell a friend to build a prayer group. Watch the words you use to describe you spouse. Use uplifting words and stories. Do not belittle your spouse or yourself Jesus loves both of you!

In short if your marriage is not healthy the family is not healthy. When you have additional strains from special needs on top of a weak marriage something may break. Marriages can be repaired, divorces can be rethought. Through God all these good and worthy things can be formed again, made stronger.

Heather lives in West Virginia. She and her husband have been homeschooling their 5 children for 7 years. Due to a genetic disorder their children have multiple special needs. Living life to the fullest for the glory of God is their goal! Visit Heather's at GFCF Mom of Many

Posted in specialneeds, 1 comments, Link
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Comments
Special Needs

5:46 PM, Feb. 27, 2009, posted by creativeclassroom

hi- I was encouraged by your post. If you'd like some encouragement, check out my blog and click on the Special Connections link on the right. We started a program for families of children with special needs at our church and this link takes you through the 8 week class. It sounds like you're doing well, but I thought you might like it. -Jennifer www.homeschoolblogger.com/jennifercleveland

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