16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5

I give thanks to the Lord that He does not abandon us.  In any time of need we are not alone for He is with us and sustains us.  His love endures forever.

But dear sisters, this waiting is hard.  The waiting to know whether hope is fulfilled or delayed is difficult yet leads to ultimate joy or renewed hope. This waiting does not.  This is the waiting of disappointment and dread. Today what should have been seen was not.  What should have been the beginnings of a growing thriving body, was instead a tiny dot.  Too small to house even a 5 week old human being.  Too small.  We are not without hope, for where there is God there is always the possibility of the impossible.  But we are without hope that any earthy change can alter the outcome of our dear little one's fate.

So the wait.  The outcome is bad or worse.  She is either gone from us having never really taken to her earthly home, or she is wrongly placed and cannot be saved.  That is the worse.  She may still be with us, but positioned in a tube rather than in her proper home.  If she is planted there, all our medical knowledge cannot move or save her.   So while I ache to know that she probably left me a week ago to ascend to her heavenly home.  I pray that this is the case, given the alternative. 

I know that if she's misplaced she cannot be saved and I know that I have to live.  But oh no.  I have faith then that she is gone from me and there will be no choice to make.  Tomorrow morning my doctor will review blood tests to determine how in fear for my life we need be.  In one week we'll look again to see if God has in His grace chosen to perform a miracle.  Because dear sisters, only a miracle will bring back to me what has been lost.  I know that He is all powerful and can choose to return my child to me.  But I obey His will not my own in this matter.  I release her and know that she awaits me in better care than I could ever provide on this fallen world.