Boy have I had enough of those!  This draw was to see if my levels were going back down as they should.  I can feel that they are so the visits to the ob/gyn office seem less than necessary.  But I guess better safe than sorry, apparently there are some very rare complications from time to time.  Plus, I think they check for anemia,.

Now the bad part- I'm handling things "OK" I think. I am doing as well as can be expected and have not been too upset by things like having to go to a baby doc's office for a blood draw.    But today while I was there, they were making the afternoon phone calls.  Some poor woman was getting the same call I got two weeks or so ago.  I felt so bad for her.  They tell you next to nothing- "Hi, your levels aren't quite what they should be. Come back in on Monday and we'll do another blood draw."  I knew more about her condition than she did because I overheard what they said before the call! 

"What do you mean, aren't what they should be?  What do you mean, see ya' Monday?  What am I supposed to do all weekend?  Am I pregnant or not?"  Poor, poor woman.  I could tell she didn't want to wait, they were confirming with my lab tech that she would be available to take this woman's blood at 8 a.m. Monday morning, the earlist possible appointment.  In the meantime she has to sit around all weekend and wonder what on earth is happening and why no one can fix it.   There is just no support out there and no information from your doctor when you are in the in between zone. 

So if you think about it, say a little prayer for this lady and all the other moms out there who are facing uncertainty and waiting for answers.  I pray that they each feel the power of God's peace. 

I am afraid to go to sleep.  I am awaiting that which, absent a miracle, is inevitable.  So I'm afraid to go to sleep.  There have been only the very mildest of signs (2 out of about 10) so far, but there are signs.  I don't discount the possibilty of a miracle, I know my God is all powerful.  But I also feel that I am more like David after the loss of his son. What is done is done and now is the time to move forward with my life and my service to God. Nonetheless, despite my faith that all things will work for good, I dread this coming event.  So I am wasting time, looking for things to do- none of which are productive. 

Soon I will be able to dance for the Lord again and revel in the joys of my many blessings.  I long for that day as I long for this night to end.  Bless all of you who have had this wait and made it through.  May you remember God's comfort always. 

I did try to use part of my time productively this evening.  If you visit my website, I now have several links to support those who are pregnant and a special page of links for those who have experienced a loss. 

The intial blood results are in and there appears to be no risk of an ectopic pregnancy.  We are very thankful to the Lord for His mercy in this.  My HCG levels were in the mid-8000's.  Not enough to sustain, but not enough to give up hope either.  So tomorrow I will have another blood draw and get same day results to let us know what direction matters are headed.  Though, my body is giving me an answer already as my moods have shifted and I've stopped growing larger.

I am sorry to post such negative news, I know many of you have faced heartbreak of your own.  We remain strong in our belief in God's plan for our family and praise Him for his provision of comfort both divine and human during this time. 

By tomorrow afternoon I will know whether I have to let this little one go until eternity or try to fight to keep her with us. 

Be blessed and be a blessing today.

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5

I give thanks to the Lord that He does not abandon us.  In any time of need we are not alone for He is with us and sustains us.  His love endures forever.

But dear sisters, this waiting is hard.  The waiting to know whether hope is fulfilled or delayed is difficult yet leads to ultimate joy or renewed hope. This waiting does not.  This is the waiting of disappointment and dread. Today what should have been seen was not.  What should have been the beginnings of a growing thriving body, was instead a tiny dot.  Too small to house even a 5 week old human being.  Too small.  We are not without hope, for where there is God there is always the possibility of the impossible.  But we are without hope that any earthy change can alter the outcome of our dear little one's fate.

So the wait.  The outcome is bad or worse.  She is either gone from us having never really taken to her earthly home, or she is wrongly placed and cannot be saved.  That is the worse.  She may still be with us, but positioned in a tube rather than in her proper home.  If she is planted there, all our medical knowledge cannot move or save her.   So while I ache to know that she probably left me a week ago to ascend to her heavenly home.  I pray that this is the case, given the alternative. 

I know that if she's misplaced she cannot be saved and I know that I have to live.  But oh no.  I have faith then that she is gone from me and there will be no choice to make.  Tomorrow morning my doctor will review blood tests to determine how in fear for my life we need be.  In one week we'll look again to see if God has in His grace chosen to perform a miracle.  Because dear sisters, only a miracle will bring back to me what has been lost.  I know that He is all powerful and can choose to return my child to me.  But I obey His will not my own in this matter.  I release her and know that she awaits me in better care than I could ever provide on this fallen world. 

For His mercy endures forever.   (Psalm 136:1)

Today I raise up a special thanks.  I have been bestowed with great honor and a glorious blessing.  Today an answer was given and it is good.  If only for today, I know that I have been given a most wonderful gift and that gift will be with me in eternity. 

I do not know the number of days that I have on this earth, nor do I know if I will ever see the face of my new beloved one here. But I plead upon the mercy of God and know that His love will answer and my little one's name will be in the Book of Books.  Oh joyous day.  That our God allows us this glimpse at his power of creation.  How blessed is woman, mother to man.

Many trials lay before me, many fears may fill my heart.  But I know always that the Lord is good and his mercy endures forever!

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. (Philippians 4:6)

May you feel God's peace today and know that He hears your cries.

You ladies know what I’m talking about, right?  That wait. The “am I” or “aren’t I” wait. 

Sigh.  I know, I know, if there are two lines it’s positive; any two lines, no matter how faint.  But, I also know that there’s just that tiniest trace of a line where the 2^nd line should appear even with a negative result.  It’s sometimes just a gloss across the strip, but if you look really hard you can see it.  Trust me, I’ve done this a few times.  In fact, I buy my strips 19 or so at a time via an online seller.  (They cost less than a $1 each and you get free shipping when you buy in bulk!)

 So, the question becomes, “Am I looking too hard? “Is that faint line I see just the chemicals placed on the strip, or does it have that slightest tint of pink to it?”  If it’s pink then it’s a surprise. Well, sort of a surprise.   We have 3 children, so it’s not as if we don’t know how these things happen.    But about the time our littlest starts toddling around and learning to talk, we forget the sleepless nights and 9 months of long hard waiting and just see how absolutely cute those babies are when they are sleeping.  Then these things happen.  I blame the baby; he’s so cute we forgot about all the hard parts. 

Don’t get me wrong, I know every child is a blessing.  Of this I have no doubt.  I know that God knows what the results of that test will be.  I know that He already knows how long this child will be with us, and if there’s a child at all.  But receiving a blessing doesn’t mean our lives are going to be trouble free.  We aren’t always sure we want to be blessed. We aren’t always sure we are up to the challenge. 

I don’t fare well during pregnancy  (huge understatement), our littlest one is still sleeping in the crib, and the middle child still doesn’t have a bed of her own.  We did finally get her bed made, but it’s still awaiting paint and a mattress.  Besides, I’m not young.  In fact, I’ve had quite a few symptoms in the past year, triggered by the loss of one of my ovaries to a benign cyst that led me to believe two pink lines might not be possible.  I think having hot flashes and morning sickness at the same time is just a little unfair!  Did I mention that I’m old?  You ladies who are “mature” moms know what that means.  The first thing my doctor will have to do is ask if I want “those” tests.  No, I don’t.  I’ve always declined.  I have enough to worry about and knowing won’t change a thing. But it is a not so subtle reminder that our number may be up.  This baby may face challenges that we’ve not experienced before.  We may face losses that we’ve never faced before.  I certainly have been more than blessed with 3 babies for 3 pregnancies to date.  These thoughts can’t help but go through my mind as I wait.

So here I sit waiting.  Waiting for enough hormones to enter my system, or not, so I have a definitive answer.  Though based on my mood and the fact that I can’t brush my back teeth without gagging, it would appear that my remaining ovary is still going strong.  I am blessed though with a strong faith and with a husband with even stronger faith.  First, he’s not worried, and second in response to my fears he can say with full confidence, “whatever happens, we can handle it.”  I love him for that, and for so many other things. But I really love him for that.  He’s not young either. We may have just pushed his retirement back several years!  Yet he greeted my news with a laugh and a smile and full confidence that God is in control.  We are so blessed.   

We are waiting to tell the children, of course.  But we won’t wait long.  They will be thrilled.  Or at least the older two will be. The “baby” will have some adjusting to do, as he likes his position in life right now.  But that’s a bridge to cross later. 

As I write these words I know that God has answered my prayers, He has pushed all my fears to the side.  He has reminded me how each of my children has so richly blessed my life.  Not in just the way you might think.  My children have truly saved me more than once.  My first suffered medical complications in his early life that brought me to my knees and to my Lord.  His birth made me the person God had always intended me to be.  His faith is mature well beyond his years, he teaches me about God and the purity of God’s message through his words and his perseverance.  I am truly honored that God chose me to be his mother. 

My second pregnancy gave me a little girl.  What a magical gift.  A little miniature of me, of my mother, of my sister, of my husband’s mother, sister and grandmother, cousins… We look at her and see our past in the way she tilts her head or the way she laughs.  I look at her and I see my future in the way she says, “I want to take care of my babies like you mommy.” Every day, she reinforces God’s message to me that I am now on the path He has planned for me.

My third pregnancy may very well have saved my life.  We weren’t surprised by this one, but we weren’t expecting to succeed in our efforts quite so quickly either.  Our third child was born before our second was 2 years old.    He has grown so quickly that they are nearly the same size!  But that’s not what saved my life.  I wasn’t due for an exam for several months, but when I learned I was pregnant at Christmastime, I scheduled an appointment.  On that first exam, my doctor thought something was not quite right. She didn’t say anything to me but ordered an ultrasound.  This didn’t concern me because I always come in early, they can never find the heartbeat, so I always get a 10-week ultrasound.  I LIKE that, and have come to expect it.  But I’d never had this type of ultrasound before. 

This was a look around a LOT ultrasound.  Then it was followed by the technician saying she needed to go talk to the doctor before I left.  Ok, for those of you who are a little less experienced, the tech NEVER talks to the doctor if everything is normal.  At least, they never have in my experience.  I told my husband, I must have a tumor because we saw that the baby’s heart was fine.  Well, call me clairvoyant. I had a cyst- a 6 cm cyst! 

Now it wasn’t the really scary cancer kind my doctor assured me.  But, it was the kind that was big enough that it could twist inside me (torsion), cut off circulation to my ovary, cause and infection that would kill me if left untreated!  Besides, who wants a big ol’ thing growing where it’s not supposed to be?  The cyst hadn’t been detected 6 months ago during an exam, so who can say how fast that thing was growing.  I do know that because my baby boy was on his way, I had an exam far earlier than I would have otherwise, and this little time bomb was discovered before it could do any harm.  We kept a close watch for the possibility of torsion during the pregnancy and it was removed right along with my very big baby in a scheduled procedure.  That little tennis ball did cost me an ovary, but obviously, I am functioning just fine without it. 

So now my children have saved my soul and my body.  Plus, the last one was so big that I could barely carry him.  I was so out of shape that I literally couldn’t tend to my children.  I had to start working out to get in better physical shape shortly after he was born and have been doing so ever since.  As a result I am physically stronger and healthier today than I have ever been in my life.  I am so grateful for that command from God to get into shape.  He knew a year ago that I’d need to be strong right now to meet this new challenge. 

My children continue to improve me each day.  In teaching them, I learn.  In nurturing their spiritual growth, I nurture my own.  In watching them, I see the wonder of God’s creation every day.

So I wait and I wait, hoping that tomorrow morning I get a clear answer.  Tomorrow I’ll find out if God has another life-changing event planned for me.  Oh it’s hard to wait on God’s timing isn’t it?  Whether you are waiting for that blessing or waiting to find out what will happen next.  It’s just hard to be a mere mortal sometime.  I pray that each of you will have your prayers answered as mine have been. That God will give you that feeling of comfort and confidence that can only come from Him.  May you feel that blessed peace that is knowing your Father loves you and that His plans for you are good.