My dh and I have had an ongoing discussion about our two teenagers (15yod, 13yos) and their apparent lack of motivation to achieve excellence. You know--only doing the minimum. I want to encourage them to do their best BUT I am concerned (maybe overly) about being one of those pushy parents who drive their kids too hard. I certainly don't want my kids to feel that "nothing I do is good enough for you". Any advice?

 

Here was my first attempt at a response. 

 

I would say that students should know why they are being asked to do their best. And that "why" should come from Scripture. I always put before my teens the fact that I wanted them to excel and to proceed into adult life. They didn't have to earn adulthood, but they did have to prepare for it well. In my seminar and in the introductions to Tapestry year-plans, I talk about the importance of teaching on liberty and self-control, taken with permission from Gregg Harris.  This has been so formative to my thinking, and to what we have done right in the teen years.

I regularly reminded my teens that all humans were put on earth to serve and to glorify God. Jesus Himself modeled this: He came not to be served but to serve and to give His life a ransom for many. My husband and I have always said the equivalent of this: "Work hard, and go to Heaven tired!"  In our paradigm, the teens' role, their duty, their job in the teen years is to prepare for service in adulthood: marriage, civics, and vocation. Mine were excited that we were for their growing into adults; some of the problems I've noted in homeschooling teens seem to stem from parents who are timid about letting their teens go.

 

Becky then asked me to clarify what I meant by the last statement, and I wrote:

 

"As in... really cheering them on to become adults. As in expressing to them often that you are excited about God's purpose for them in the world. What I've seen in the homeschool movement in general is what I'd call the "bunker mentality." We hunker down in our isolated bunkers 'cause there's a war going on out there which is, frankly, scary! Especially when our children are young, we seek to batton down the hatches and protect them from the world. All this is normal and beneficial until a certain point when it becomes better to begin to teach them how to function outside the home.

In the early teen years, kids are asking big questions like "is my parents' God my God for real?" and "What do I, myself, think about: drining, driving, sex, and politics"? "Do people like/esteem/respect me (and my parents) and why or why not?" "Does my parents' message match their daily choices, and if not, why not?"

This stage, then, presents a new challenge to parents. Suddenly, it's not enough to be the benign dictators. Our kids peek behind the curtains: they see our flaws and that sight can be shocking. Depending on how much we've grown in humility and servanthood, WE can be shocked at their noticing our faults. We have a choice at the start of this stage: either humble ourselves and gracefully step down off our pedestals, seeking to give up our cushy jobs as benign and exalted dictators and become instead sinners who partner with other sinners as we limp down the road of life together, or be knocked down off those pedestals by our children as they rush out the door to get as far away from us as they know how.

We chose to posture ourselves as more excited about our children's growing independence than they were. We began when our boys were 12 to push and train them to accept responsibility as soon as it was moral to do so. Recognizing that the suburbs present far too few challenges to healthy young males (no rocks to climb, wood to chop, or fields to till), we sought ways for them to arise, go forth, and conquer in the context of serving in our local church. This, we hoped, would set a pattern for their adult lives as church members, husbands, and fathers. And, while they remained at home, we also supported them with a buoyant safety net woven of love, prayer, and compassion. Somehow, the dynamic was that if we focused outwardly and looked towards indpendence (rather than working and working to make them strong and perfect before we released them into the big, bad world), they sought us more. They wanted our advice and wisdom because we did not smother them with it. They were trying, and failing, and finding their limits quite quickly; as a result they wanted our help. Growing up is tough! We always offered that help willingly, and sought to encourage them to try again."

 

This seemed to help some people; but what do YOU all think about motivating/pushing teens?  What have you seen that works?  What mistakes can you share that others could learn from?