In what situation has the Lord moved in a way that you struggle with. How did that circumstance bring you closer to Him?

The following is my own testimony of how the Lord moved in a great time of struggle and grief in my life.  I am convinced I would not be who I am today in the Lord, without the struggles I have faced along this narrow way.........

I was feeling so complete in my life.  The Lord had carried through on His promise to me and gave me another son, after my husband had said he didn't want any more children.  The Lord was doing major heart surgery in our lives and for the first time we were feeling so much joy!  Our hearts were finally in sync and we were BOTH desiring more children.

One night, after my husband had returned from a trip to Haiti to do mission work and visit the little girl we were adopting, I had a dream.  I dreamt we were dining out somewhere and among our children were two little boys, about 18 months old.  I can still see their little faces when I close my eyes.  One of them was stockier than the other one was.  He was a go getter.  The other was quiet, thoughtful and complient.  I woke up right after the dream and knew that moment,that I was carrying twins.  I had never had a dream about twins before.  I hadn't ever even had a thought that I would like to have twins.  When I told my husband about the dream he believed right away, as well, that we were being blessed with twins.

After telling the children that mommy was going to have another baby our oldest son, who was 4 at that time, said, "No, mommy, you have TWO babies in your tummy."  My children didn't even know that could happen!  This was comfirmatioin for me.

As the weeks went by I grew quickly.  We finally decided to go in for an ultrasound, as a family, to comfirm what we already knew.  We were not expecting what we were hit with that day, though.  I can still feel it.  I can feel how cold the room was...death and grief hit me when I wasn't even close to expecting it.  There were no heartbeats.  I tried my hardest not to cry right in that moment but when I looked at my little girl and saw her confusion and tears welling up in her eyes, I lost it.  I sobbed and sobbed.  This really wasn't happening!

I had choices to make.  I had to choose whether I wanted to go get it all “overwith” and have a D&C or if I wanted to wait until my body let go on it's own.  I chose to wait and did so for a few more weeks.  My body didn't want to let go.  I was so torn because I knew that when it finally did decide to let go that it was going to have to all be final for me.  I still felt they were apart of me, still close to me and I didn't want to let them go.  On the other hand, others were noticing my pregnancy and asking when I was due and offering their congratulations, not realizing that my body was not carrying  life any longer.  So, when I started to labor, part of me was relieved that I was going to be moving on to the next step.

I truly didn't expect an actual labor, but that is what happened, only it was more painful than real labor.  I truly think it was this way because as I labored, there was no joy, nothing to look foward to.  Just pain and agony in my ripping my heart out!

My grief went on and on and on.  I didn't think I would ever survive this.  I was not only grieving our boys but I was wrestling with the Lord.  Why did He give me the dream I had and then take my boys away from me!?  I was so confused. 

Each day I faced I kept hoping would be different.  I finally realized one day that I needed to force myself to do more than just survive, for the sake of my children.  I remember laying on the couch one afternoon, just feeling like I wanted to die, when I picked up a devotional on our end table.  Admittedly, it had been months since I had even touched my Bible.  I did a lot of talking with God but don't think I was doing much listening. 

I opened the devotional (by Mrs. Charles E Cowman) and read words that saved me that day.  I read about how someone who is grieving the dead may become so wrapped up in this loss that they forget there are others around them still living. 

 I looked up, for the first time since my boys' deaths, and looked out the patio door and noticed the little ones as they were sniffing wonderful spring flowers.  I realized, then, that I had forgotten all about the beautiful people surrounding me! 

 It wasn't easy, but that day I made myself get up and take the children for a walk.  It was then that I really noticed it was springtime.  I still felt grief, but I knew I had to trust the Lord would carry me through it.

A few months after I lost the twins I became pregnant again.  I was still really struggling and was completely detached emotionally.  I couldn't bring myself to believe I would be holding a live, healthy baby at the end of my pregnancy.  I was still waiting for joy but still felt so empty.  My day to day life, serving my family, was a daily decision...definitely not something that came from a feeling. 

 Most of my pregnancy was filled with grief.  I was due with this new little one in May but God had much different plans. 

My oldest son, the one who told us we would be having two babies, told me our baby was going to be born on Easter Day.  Two days later, on Easter Day, labor began.  Something else was happening though.  I could feel it strong.   JOY was beginning to birth inside of me.  Everyone at my birth recalls this day.  I was LAUGHING!  In the middle of labor I was laughing and feeling so much JOY! 

After a few hours I gave birth to a healthy baby boy!  After three days of praying about what to name him, my husband and I decided part of his name needed to be Isaac, for laughter.  Little Isaac was sent as our JOY after the Mourning!  The best part of it….Not only was our little Isaac born on Easter Day, but April 11^th …the same day our precious twins were born, the year before!!! 

Sometimes I still cry for Gabriel and Zachary.  I still have days when I feel my heart may fail me with the grief that rushes in.   I miss them incredibly.  Recently, when  I realized I was losing another  baby (my fourth), I cried again for the twins and for little Faith, remembering they were gone from me for now. 

God is so good and brings us comfort when we need comforting.  He has used my little Isaac to bring me His comforting many times in the past two years.  Just yesterday I was feeling so heavy with grief and it was as if he sensed it.  He separated himself from the activity of our household and he lifted up his chubby little arms to me.  I picked him up and he laid his head on my chest.  I stroked his soft little face and remembered that I had hope because God IS FAITHFUL in bringing us joy.................. when we never think it will come again.