The following post is a journal entry I wrote today.  I am only good at writing my heart, and although I tried to come up with something to write on my blog today that might cheer and uplift others, the Lord kept leading me back to where my heart is this day.  I have peace in knowing that nobody is forced to read my words.  I only hope that someone might be comforted in knowing they aren’t alone in their own sorrows; or perhaps someone out there who has never known such heartache, might still see that there may be someone in their life who is breathing it everyday………………someone who might need a phone call, an “I love you and I care” or a simple prayer.

A friend recently said to me, “You are such a warrior.”  I couldn’t help but chuckle, and remember Twila Paris’s age old song A Warrior Is a Child.  I am not a warrior at all.  I am just a child of God, hanging on tight as can be to His enduring promises and ever so gentle Hand.  He is the only reason I have been able to walk the road that has been laid out for me.  He is the reason why I could ever have any joy in this life.

The past few days have not been easy ones for me.  I really was having a difficult time putting my finger on it, though.  I am a person who likes to have things figured out.  Those normal “feelings” that can’t be figured out, and come to everyone at sometime or another, have always bugged me.  How can you work through something if you don’t even know WHAT that something is!?  Many times I have just had to lay these feelings in the Lord’s hands and simply trust Him with them; and other times I really do figure it out (with the help of the Almighty, of course J). 

Sometimes He shows me I have some stubborn sin in my heart that needs to be worked through.  Sometimes He shows me I need to get my priorities refocused.  Sometimes He simply shows me I am not stopping long enough to feel that my heart is aching.  He is always gracious in the ways He reveals these things to me…..last night He used another HSB to help me to see that my heart is needing me to stop, to breath in and allow to hurt for a time.

I remember, after the loss of our precious twins, my doctors words, “this is a long road.  You will find a stretch of time when you finally feel you are pulling out of the grief and then all of a sudden it just hits you.  You may also come around certain dates and feel a certain way and not even realize, right away, that your heart is hurting for a real reason.”   

Well, he was right.  This time of year brings many clouds my way.  My twins would have turned three last month and our little Hope was to be born this month.  Of course, one cannot push away the other blessings that would have not come along had these little ones stayed with me.  I wouldn’t know my 2 year old’s joy and I wouldn’t feel this tiny soul within me now, had it not been for the passing of my other precious children.  Still, it would be easy to use that to stuff feelings down, and today I realize I just need to feel it. 

I cried out to the Lord in my heartache last night.  He comforted me.  I longed for my husband, who was away working, but sometimes the Lord isolates us so we will reach out to only Him.  I wish I could say I walked away feeling lifted up.  No, He doesn’t always choose that for us either.  I suppose if it was always that way, we might never just feel what we need to feel, all the way through. 

So, I cried.  I cried for my babies lost.  I also cried for the one within me, pleading with the Lord to allow me to hold and nurse him/her.  When a little one is lost, there is a reality forever engrained upon a person’s heart.  I am thankful to know the Lord is ever patient with my fears, and to know that no matter what happens He will never leave me alone with it. 

So to my precious sons and daughters, who have gone on to that Home we are all waiting for, I love you.  I miss you so much and in my human state, so long as I am living here on this earth, my heart will never stop yearning to hold you!