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Jul. 15, 2008
Miscarriage
I miscarried...Wednesday, July 2
It started early in the morning (around 5 a.m.), after I had taken another pregnancy test. I couldn't tell if the test was positive as I thought that I saw a faint pink line. I sat there in the bathroom and prayed, I wanted an answer. God heard my prayer, and answered. It was His timing, though as I had prayed that same prayer time and time again.
It was bittersweet to know that I was miscarrying, as I had hoped to keep this little one for my own...but God took this little one to be with Him. I can't argue with God, but only be thankful that He thought so much of this child to never allow him/her to enter this cruel world.
But miscarriage is hard. You don't have a present at the end, a little bundle of joy...a tiny form to hold close to you and gaze upon...just empty arms. I have struggled with that thought every time I have miscarried...
December 22, 1999...June 3, 2001...August 4, 2006...July 2, 2008
But I have cherished each and every one of my children even more after I have miscarried. I have grown closer to the Lord with each miscarriage. And I have learned to put all of my trust and hope in my Lord Jesus Christ. His will for our lives includes all of these difficult times as well as the good, for nothing happens outside of the will of God. He has already ordained each and every detail of our lives, and though we might fight against it, we CANNOT change God's will.
Why did He take away my precious child from me? Did I deserve this?
It is possible that He used this miscarriage to open my heart. You see, I was feeling quite overwhelmed with all of my children. I struggled to keep up with everyday tasks and almost every day I prayed for a rest from pregnancy saying, "Lord, just give me a little break, a little time, I don't think I can handle another baby right now...please Lord, just a little more time..." My heart was closed. I don't think I was ready for pregnancy again, not until I realized that I was threatening to miscarry. And then I did everything in my power to keep the pregnancy...but it was out of my hands.
Am I ready now? Absolutely!!! And I am regretful that I was so "against" being pregnant again. Will God bless again? Who knows? But I will be content either way, as the Lord knows what He is doing and why.
I have cried, and when among dear friends I find more tears... I know this is God's perfect will, I accept it... but I am still grieving the loss. Nothing really replaces the one's that we lose in miscarriage....
Sometimes I wonder, "What would my baby have looked like? What color hair & eyes? How big? A soft cry or a gruff cry?" Those questions I will not know here on earth.
And I know as time passes, my heart will heal, and I will look back and see the "Big Picture".
Maybe you are ready this a praying for a pregnancy...my prayers are with you.
Blessings, my friends!
Heather
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Jul. 15, 2008 - I am sorry for your loss
Take care of yourself and get some rest. I hope you are feeling better soon.