I've always known God had a plan for my life by having me adopted into a family that has loved me and whom I have loved. A mom that I miss and a dad I wish I saw more, who I have very fond memories of at the beach, in his chair falling asleep after work, taking me to college...and my sisters, who although miles have separated us for years, and we've all gone slightly different paths, remain forever embedded in my heart as people I count on to be there. As I accept them, they accept me, and we grow older, it is a fast but joyful journey. All this to say, that this upbringing and family was the foundation for me to be launched into part two of my life.
Off I went to college, where I was reborn into God's family and reborn into my husband's family. There not only did God lead me to the man He knew along would be a tremendous part of my sanctification, I found the woman He knew would continue the path of mothering. As my relationship with my husband began, my own mother was passing from this life into eternity, yet God had someone waiting with open arms to pick up pieces and put them together, enhancing the picture on the puzzle as she went, with her gentle and careful hands. There have been times through the years I've wished to not feel for her as I do, for one can only bear the loss of a mother once. But try as I might, it is too late. And one day she will pass and a part of me will die with her. Our family will feel the loss powerfully, and as much I dread it, it is how it should be.
Originally written 11/22/07
Dear Mom,
It is hard sometimes to start a letter when you have just a little to say and it's something difficult to communicate tactfully. I know I'm still young, but sometimes, especially days like today, I feel keenly aware of the passage of time and how each special family memory is truly a precious gift from God. I know you understand what I'm saying, though from a different vantage point.
There is simply nothing like being with family, people who your life is interconnected with and who you feel truly at home with. There is something so intangibly comfortable about just being able to be ourselves and feel relaxed. We don't have to all be identical, yet we have enough in common to make us a family that loves one another.
Today was a very emotional day. I found myself wanting to memorize the pattern, the flow, the feel of the day--realizing that if any one person were absent, the day would be totally different. I suppose this is a bittersweet aspect of maturing. In the blink of an eye we can be left with only happy memories of days like this that have gone by. As I write I'm comforted by the fact you are upstairs sandwiched between two precious girls with a sweet boy nearby, T slumbering heavily and J cozy in the den. Even our dear Jakey is here sleeping. Many of the people I care most about are safe and warm. Yet part of me struggles to find complete quiet as I realize that it will not always be this way. How many times since our firstborn came along have I wanted to stop time and savor the moments.
It is days like this that allow me to marvel at God's goodness when we are so undeserving. How can I, a woman who continually struggles to sufficiently show love and kindness and temperance, be so blessed? At this moment I have everthing I've ever wanted. Your grandchildren love you so very much and I am so blessed to be able to encourage them in that, knowing you will not let them down.
I appreciate how graciously you accept us as a family, with all of our unique traits. Thank you for loving us through our differences, especially holiday traditions that might be hard to accept sometimes. Most of all thank you for accepting me as I am. God gave me three mothers: 1 to birth, 1 to raise, and 1 to help heal me and help me grow in ways I always wanted to but never had an example of. You have helped me see love in action and self-less mothering.
Happy birthday, love,
me
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