Apr. 4, 2009
life these days
Posted in family life
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so, back to blogging. After such a long absence, it has been hard to start back. Like, I should have this amazing new perspective or incredibly interesting things to say, to justify another post after all this time. But life just rolls on. I have missed, at times, being able to come and write about the little things that make my days happy, or unhappy. So, no. No amazing new insight. With my feeling better but not completely well, life has been about balances lately. I will have a surge of amazing energy and start all these projects, then suddenly fizzle and have guilt instead about good plans not being acted upon just because I am tired. If anyone knows anything about thyroid though, it is a gland that regulates both metabolic and mental health. Hypothyroidism is not supposed to cause anxiety, it is supposed to cause depression but for me, the thing that finally caused me to seek medical help was not just the overwhelming fatigue or feeling I was not quite the person I used to be, it was these horrible panic attacks that came at night. Not just worry over this or that, but fear tinged with hysteria. An inability to calm down or reason with myself. It was like being in hell. Am I ever going to be a good girl now. lol So, I feel cautious about becoming too tired or pushing myself too hard. It wouldn't just be a matter of laying down to a good night's sleep, but a very scary night. One thing that has come out of this which I think is an important lesson sent from my Heavenly Father, is that I need to simplify my life. I was never one with a million places to be, but my disorganization along with my feeling that I needed to be on top of everything created undue pressure on myself. I am sorting through and finding the things that truly bring both meaning and joy in my life. And mostly that is my family. My children. After that afternoon with the field guides, Levi keeps bringing me the insect guide and asking me what that "amazing creature" is. We go over names and I have shown him how to tell how long one of those "amazing creatures" actually is. His short, stubby little fingers position themselves on the line and raise up in the air this long or that long. It is adorable and my heart swells every time. Another thing is sitting down with the family after my husband comes home from work and before dinner to read the scriptures together. We just take one chapter, however long it is and go around reading verses. There is a serenity and a comfort found in that ritual. Like a warm blanket. The other night, when I was helping my six year old with her verse, telling her word for word, because she has not quite taken off in reading though she is getting there quickly, there were words she knew and could read herself. What a joy that was! We both giggled together. I know those verses she reads can be a trial to the other children, and I have thought sometimes perhaps we should not let her interfere with the comfortable flow. But, that her first non-reading book words were read in the scriptures, the same as her older siblings, that is part of our family and it gives me great joy. Her as well. Other things are starting to come back to me. Having the children help me cook. Sitting down to a large stack of books and a cuddle with the little ones. I know you would think you cannot be too tired to read to a child, but you can. And you can be too tired to find joy in it even when you make yourself do it. It feels sometimes like I have been given a second chance. I know that is melodramatic. It is not like I am recovering from cancer or anything remotely serious. But I thought I was going to be tired for the rest of my life. I thought it was part of being middle aged. I was trying to find ways to be the wife and mother I wanted to be, while being tired. I thought that was just a life lesson that needed to be learned. Purification of my soul. I feel like I did come through the refiner's fire. I know things now my younger self did not know. About priorities and balance. But now, I have the chance to take that knowledge and the energy of my old self, or younger self I guess and go forward into a new life. I have been cautious about making myself a list, too much pressure some days, but I have an idea in my head about goals for my house. I am deep cleaning one room at a time, while the children maintain the other rooms. Simplifying the possessions in them, either through organization or elimination. Making them calm, serene, comfortable spaces for us to live as a family, a happy family. I do have some goals, some ideas of parts of my life I want to focus on. I have some ideas for changing this blog around a little, making it more like other ones I have seen. Where things are divided into themes, so I can write and keep tracking of my progress in these areas rather than just randomly blurt things out. I have been keeping this blog for three years! Wow. I cannot believe that. I was looking through some old posts yesterday and remembering good things. It would be nice to organize my favorite posts as well. One things at a time though. Always my problem. This already feels like a beautiful day to me. I have slept soundly for five nights in a row, what a blessing. I wake up in the morning feeling happy and ready to start the day. The children are still asleep, except for Ryan who is taking his ACT today. He had a father's blessing last night and after that, I feel very confident that he will be able to accomplish his goals today. Or at least, accomplish what he needs to,what will allow God's purpose in his life to unfold. I guess Samantha is awake in Moscow as well. Our General Conference is this weekend, where church leaders speak to us from Salt Lake via satelite(ok, seriously, homeschoolblogger needs a spell check! I have no idea how to make that word right). Eight hours in four sessions over two days of hearing the Word. It is like a balm to my soul every time and especially welcome right now. And I have a painting project to do, between sessions today. I am painting my old hutch robbin's egg blue. Bold choice huh? I may, if it is too bright, antique it with wood stain. I have been wanting to do this for years! It will be lovely and just in time for Easter. |
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