His Abiding Love
• Apr. 3, 2008 - How I Won the Heart of My Mr Command Pt 1
My dh is a Mr Command type of man. If you don't know what that is, then please go to this page:
Three types of Men
and read that article.
Anyway, when we were first married, I had no clue what a 'command' man meant. I knew that a man was supposed to be the 'head of the household' but I was not really sure what that meant. I kind of thought it meant the 'spiritual' head, like he was supposed to lead us in spiritual things, but if he didn't, then I should. And really, when we first married, I wasn't all that interested in church or God anyway. I did know one thing. My dad had once stated that when he married my mother, they'd made an agreement. He'd always listen to her opinion, but when the decision making time came, he made the final decision. I knew that *I* was never going to put up with that. That was ridiculous. I had a *brain*. I even foolishly quoted Laura Ingalls Wilder's book These Happy Golden Years, telling my dh that I would not promise to obey him in our wedding vows, because I could 'never obey you against my better judgement'.
*note* I now understand that Mrs. Wilder was making that statement out of a knowledge that she did not want to make a vow before God she was sure to break, not because she was some kind of feminist. ****
So we entered into our marriage, each with a 'command', need to be in charge, first born child personality. We both liked to have our way, we both wanted to be 'large and in charge'. Many fights ensued. Nothing huge, but fights, none the less.
Then something happened with my dh, that caused me huge concern. I was 7 mo pregnant and I did not know how to 'fix' this. I don't like not being able to fix things. Someone tells me a problem, I want to figure it out, give them the solution, fix it. This problem was not like that. I could fix nothing. I could not make my husband do anything differently. So I stuck my head in the sand like an ostrich and pretended everything was a-ok.
We had our first dd. She was gorgeous, and tiny, and she couldn't survive without us. Everything about life changed for me that day. I couldn't do the things I used to do, I was someone's mother now. I had to set an example. It was then that I realized we needed to get back into church. After all, we needed to take our little one to church, right? So we dutifully began trying different churches. We finally settled on one. We attended every Sunday, and then lived how we wanted during the week.
We continued to struggle for control. My dh did whatever he wanted, and I threw fits because he wasn't doing what I wanted him to do. I did not understand, didn't he SEE how wrong he was? I was sure if he'd just listen to me for a few minutes, he'd see I was right, and he was wrong, and all would be right with the world. LOL, I certainly was living in a dream world, hmmm? My dh still had the same problem he'd always had, and I ignored it pretty much 95% of the time, pretending it was not happening.
We had more children, and eventually we moved to a different state. By this point, I had read about submission, but still thought it meant to obey him, but not if I *knew* that his way was just wrong. (Oh, I am shaking my head at my arrogance. I cannot believe I was so self righteous) I seriously thought that I was some holy person, but my dh was just a sinner and needed to change. Oh dear LORD, forgive me my self righteousness. I could cry when I think of my pride. It makes so sad now.
I took to piously praying in front of him, insisting on praying with him, praying for him, etc. I would deliberately start up conversations with him about sermons we'd heard at church on topics I thought he needed to hear. I wrote notes for his lunch with scripture on them that I thought he needed to hear. I was so throughly convinced I could just talk him into changing, that I could just *make* it happen if I tried hard enough.
We struggled for control constantly. Oh, I appeared submissive on the outside, but my heart felt that he did not deserve control of our family, that *I* knew better than he did. I would not have said this of course. I read Mike and Debi Pearl's articles, and I knew he was the 'boss'. But still, I thought 'they don't know my dh'. "they don't understand how things are"
I was subtly showing him I didnt' trust him fully in many little ways. I never obeyed on the 'little things'. I knew he wanted clean clothes in the drawers in the mornings, but many many times(virtually daily) he had to go out to the cold garage and get them from the (by then) cold dryer. I knew he liked a clean house, but ours was far from clean, it was totally filthy at most times. I knew he didn't want me sitting on the computer or watching tv all day, but I did it anyway, doing the bare minimum to care for the kids, and keep a few dishes clean.
I put on a good show, my friends. People thought I was so submissive, and he was so demanding. I would talk about how demanding he was, roll my eyes, complain, etc. I didn't realize these things to a Mr command are a betrayal. They mean his wife does not trust him to know what's best.
I heard Debi Pearl was writing a new book, Created to Be His Help Meet. I thought "I would like to read that, I bet she has some good things to say, and then I can recommend it to Sister Smith, Sister Jones, Sister so and so, etc etc" Oh, goodness, I was so FULL of myself!!!!
You see, I really thought I was submissive. I would *never* go against anything my dh flat out told me to do. I wouldn't have rebelled against him. I was obedient, but not submitted in my heart.
Please don't think our marriage was awful. It wasn't. We had a wonderful family, and many good and wonderful times together! But on my part, my attitude was often "If only he would......." or "I wish he'd ....." etc. I wanted him to change into what I thought was the way a good man of God was supposed to act. I have always loved my husband very much, and never could make it without him. The good in our marriage has far outweighed the bad. He has always always been my #1 advocate, always having my back. He's always been a wonderful provider, and never misses work unless he just cannot get up out of the bed. We're talking about *MY* wrong attitudes here, and *MY* failings, not him or how wrong and awful he was. Because things would have changed SO much if I had changed my own self. It is my shortcomings.
I read books on marriage, I read articles, I tried this method and that method, thinking if I did them, they'd change him. He'd start acting the way I wanted and doing the things I wanted him to do. Do you see how self righteous I was? I would ask friends to pray for us, to pray for him, I'd share shortcomings with them so they'd know how to pray, etc. I'm so ashamed of that today, and I wish I could recall those words with all of my being.
By this time I had an online friend whose dh has a similar personality to my dh, and whose personality was similar to mine. She helped me so much, challenging me, showing me that I needed to work on myself. She challenged me to read my Bible, to stop relying on the church (a church that taught false doctrine, and was undermining my family greatly) for my relationship with the Lord, and to develop it myself. To make my relationship with God real, regardless of how things were at church. To get into my Bible, to pray without ceasing.
I read Created to Be His Help Meet. I got to Chapter 8, and I began reading about the Mr Command man. I started nodding, 'yep, that's him' and 'OH, has she got dh pegged!' Then I read this "He seems to be sufficient unto himself. It is awful being shut out." and tears came to my eyes. It always hurt me so much that it seemed that except for the children, dh really seemed to not need me. He could do all the things I did for him if he had to. He didn't really *need* me for anything. He loved me, I knew that. But I didn't feel that he really needed me or that he'd be lost without me, at least not very often.
I kept reading. I read this sentence, and my very soul cried out 'THAT IS IT" Here is the sentence that changed my life. "A woman married to a Command Man has to earn her place in his heart by proving that she will stand by her man, faithful, loyal, and obedient. When she has won his confidence, he will treasure her to the extreme."
Do you see that bolded part? "earn her place in his heart". That never occured to me. NEVER. I never thought I had to earn his heart. I thougth I had it, just because I was his wife. I started to think about it. He always backed me up. I could say or do anything with the full confidence that in public, at least, he'd never side against me, or tell me I was wrong. He would not deliberately embarass me, or make me look bad. Did I do the same? Well, sometimes. But I didn't always take his side when we'd be debating something with friends. After all, I had my own opinions. And I had scripture to back them up, and.....well....I was *right*. Of course then I remembered something I'd heard on Dr Phil of all places. "Do you wanna be right, or do you wanna be HAPPY?" I wanted to be happy. I wanted to have that glorious marriage that Debi Pearl talked about. I wanted to be the wife God wanted me to be.
I read that book til the pages were worn. I think I read it 5 or 6 times in the first month I had it. ( I read fast, so I read the whole thing in 2 days after I had gotten it in the mail, but I read it over and over to make sure I got it all. I forced myself to read it slowly several times) I cried til my eyes were swollen.
I finally got it. I got why things were tough. Dh didn't feel like I trusted him totally. He didn't feel like I was truly submitted to him. He felt that I was submitting because I *had* to, not because I wanted to. About this time, we started discussing this book online at one of my forums I visit (Raising Godly Tomatoes) It was so interesting to hear the other ladies talking about their dh's and how the pictures of submission looked different in every home. See, I'd tried different things ladies had talked about to 'submit' before.
Once, for example, I did what someone suggested, when dh was home, I referred every decision to him. I had the children ask daddy for *everything*. I thought I was respecting his authority. I did this for several days. One night my oldest dd asked "Can I have a cookie" and I said "Ask you dad--" and he burst out with" ARE YOU INCAPABLE OF MAKING ANY DECISIONS AT ALL???????????//!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" LOL!! I jumped, startled and said 'well, no, but I was trying to be respectful of your authority and show the kids you're in charge and--' he rolled his eyes and said "well knock it off. I work all day, I dont' want to make every little decision all the time. You have a brain, use it!" I grinned at him and said 'Ok'.
Another time, I was reading a book on scheduling your life, and it said to ask your husband to help you with your schedule. I kept asking (nagging) my dh to help me set up a schedule. I was being submissive, right? I mean, I wanted him to tell me how he wanted it done. He finally said one night "Look, you're not a little kid. You know what I want done. I shouldn't have to tell you what to do every second of the day"
(sidenote; Interestingly enough, this also drives him nuts at work. He is driven insane when he has to 'babysit' a crew member, when they won't do anything without him telling them exactly what to do every second of every day. He wants them to show some iniative, to prove to him that they *can* do their job, and don't have to be told exactly what to do every second)
So I was at a loss. I didn't understand, I was trying to submit the way everyone told me to, but it didn't work, my dh didn't like it. But then I read Created to Be His Help Meet, and it was like a light bulb went off in my head!! I wasn't supposed to submit like that author said, or this lady told me to!! I was just supposed to do whatever it took to make *my* dh happy. I wanted his heart to safely trust in me. (Prov 31:11, " The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil") I wanted to prove to him that he was more important than anything or anyone else, besides God. That no one else on earth mattered more than him and our family.
Love Samantha
P. S. See Pt 2 , below................ |
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• May. 5, 2008 - Untitled Comment
I am on hearthkeepers and noticed you left (sad face) and that inspired me to go and check out your blog. I really needed to read this about Mr. Command Man. THANK YOU! I also printed of the list of help meet cheat sheet - I know that will be invaluable.
I will miss seeing you on hearthkeepers.
Blessings,
Laura (in NC)
I do have a login but, I can't remember it. I haven't posted to my blog in several years (I only have one entry)